It wasn't until C and I actually took the first, and tentative, steps into cuckoldry that I grasped just how much of a voyeur I think I have always been.
Sure, I had watched my fair share of porn, but that's quite a bit different from the rush of seeing your own wife with another guy. With porn, it's two people you don't remotely know. But, with cuckoldry---it was my wife there in front of me with another guy!!!
After 30+ years of marital fidelity, my wife got bored with our sex life. It's as simple as that.
It didn't have anything to do with not "loving" me any more, either. It was the 30 years of the daily routine, that any married couple goes through! Over the years, two people get to know one another so well, that nothing about that person surprises them any longer. They get to the point where they can almost guess what the other is about to say about nearly everything.
Yes, there can be a certain degree of comfort in that, but, familiarity can also blind a person.
As you know, my wife and I have been undergoing an evolving revolution within our marriage ever since it became clear to her that I was bisexual.
We went through a lot of ups and downs for a while, until we both decided that we didn't want to just throw away all those years of marriage---but, it was obvious that things could never be the same as before. While on a recent trip out to California, we had a lot of time alone, and we had some significant conversations regarding the future of our marriage and what that might look like.
The upshot is that (according to her) she's bored. She's bored with herself, her job, her "daily routine." She's bored with being taken for granted for years as a mother and wife, and she's bored with me, as well.
There is a tremendously funny series of videos I have been working my way though over the last several years, called Mister Deity.
They are the brain-child of a former Mormon by the name of Brian Dalton (Mister Deity, himself). There is no way I could do justice to these remarkably funny, but very observant videos. They are each no more than 10 or so minuets each, but there is a remarkable amount of biblical "exegesis" in each and every one.
I was Out to my wife about being bisexual/gay for a long time, but I had never discussed that with my son. Then, about a year ago, I did. But that's not what I'm focusing on here. What I am focusing on is how the conversation dynamic has shifted within my close family ties, since I came out more fully (and with my son, in particular).
For example, the build-up to the ENDA vote created many opportunities to discuss sexual issues generally; something that, while I was still (partly) closeted within the family, had never been possible before!
Thanks to your persistent encouragement over the last year, or so, I now regard myself as "gay", but married to a straight woman (who, fortunately, accepts this situation completely)! What a relief that is. I cannot tell you how relaxed I feel about my sexual orientation, as well as the future of being married!
I have also gotten more involved with gay rights issues! Particularly, I've become a member of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, and send my Senators and Congressmen my encouragement to pass ENDA.
I know that by doing so, I have declared my own sexual orientation fairly unambiguously! But, the greater the shrill craziness of the Religious Right, the more urgent I have felt the need to be more public!
Some of you may have seen the film Christopher And His Kind, a 2011 BBC TV film adaptation of Christopher Isherwood's famous memoir of his time in early 1930's, pre-world war Nazi Germany, but, if you haven't, and whether your gay, bi, straight, or whatever, I know that I certainly found the film a very interesting watch.
I love 'period piece' films, any way, but this one was nearly perfect in it's execution. Of course, if gay sex scenes make you queasy, then you might want to ignore this film. Not that any of the scenes are "pornographic", they aren't, but there is a fair amount of naked asses, and even a couple of frontal nudity glimpses, but that's about all.
Last night before going to sleep, I checked my e-mail and found that I had yet more replies from Craig's List. I guess I hadn't really expected to get much, if any, response to my original ad (the first two hadn't gone anywhere really), but I have been wrong about that.
For those of you who have read some of my posts, you will know that my wife and I have a "mixed orientation" marital relationship (now nearly 30 years).
If that's not complicated enough, menopause came along and tossed our previous sex life into a cocked hat! This took place during the time she and I were dealing with my non-heterosexual orientation; creating even more complications and frustrations.
For my wife (who I truly love, admire, and value), she went through a long period of struggle with her own self-image, as a sexually attractive woman, as well as a wife! It was not easy for her, realizing that she had been married to a gay(?), or bisexual(?) man for nearly 20 years prior. Where did sex fit in? Did it fit in any longer? Was I more attracted to men, than to her?
Looking back on it now from a perspective of nearly 5 years, I am sometimes amazed that my wife and I are still married. The odds of this were stacked against us at the start. After all, I was gay, having been in a nearly 10 year marriage. This was no trivial hurdle to face.
Largely thanks to you Betty, I now accept (at long last) that though I am a "married" man, I'm also gay. Okay. There. I've said it!
I'm so very tired of denying my true sexual orientation. (I have done that for years on end!) I mean, yeah, it might just as well be that I use the word "bisexual", and I do have a history of het-sex, still, when I have taken the time to really be honest with myself, and to think long and hard about it, the fact of the matter is: I'm gay.
Life is tough for everyone sooner, or later. You can, however, always find a sadder story, or a more difficult personal struggle. Such is the ubiquitous reality of being a human being.
So, I do not wish to depict my life as having troubles that no one else has on this spinning planet. Instead, I wish to say that, if by merely being a human being, that life is full of difficulties, then being a bisexual in a predominantly heterosexual society can bring with it certain "challenges" that are slightly different from those who avow a "hetero" orientation.
I haven't written on D&R for a long time, and I won't go into the reasons for that here. (It's a long story.) However, recently, I had the chance to watch three films by legendary gay porn film maker Joe Gage (aka Tim Kincaid): El Paso Wrecking Corp., Kansas City Trucking Co., and L.A. Tool & Die. I had seen L.A. Tool & Die many, many years ago, but I had not seen the other two. So, when the chance came up to do so, I did.
Yesterday, my son sat down and confronted me regarding something he had seen (accidentally) on my lap-top earlier in the day. I had had a photo of a handsome younger guy that I had found erotically appealing as the background. My son walked by my room (I had gotten busy with something else for a few moments and was out of the room), and saw the picture!
My son was bothered by that photo all day long, and just as I was getting ready to go to bed, he confronted me about it in front of my wife. I knew the jig was up at that point, and though I had intended to keep my sexual orientation largely hidden from him, that was now no longer possible!
I grew up in a modest-sized, mid-western town in the over-whelming "red" state of Kansas. I had very religious parents, and attended church every single week. I grew up hearing the story of Sodom and Gomorrah told with exquisite relish.
I remember setting there on one of those hard wooden pews (designed to keep you awake during those agonizingly long, drawn-out sermons that Baptist preachers seem so fond of pouring over their congregations) and thinking to myself that I was going to go to Hell. I thought that for the simple fact that I was occasionally "fooling around" with several of my male friends in ways that I had no doubt would greatly shock and displease my parents.