The Orgasm Wasn’t Important, The Touch Was. I Needed to Feel (Not Think) That Intimacy

Thu, 07/22/2010 - 08:49
Submitted by Anonymous

As someone who can and has achieved orgasm without touching herself, or only by needing just a bit of friction to come really hard, believe me when I say that it isn’t sex. Why? Because, orgasm isn’t the point of sex.

To me, it’s altogether different. Barbara Carrellas was recently featured on TLC’s mini-series “Strange Sex” for her ability to think her way to orgasm. Yay. Now she tells us that anyone is capable of teaching others to think your way through orgasm? Okay. I only watched the trailer for the show but I have read about this and experience it on rare and unexpected occasions.

My problem is not with the act of thinking your way to orgasm. Kudos to Carrellas and whoever can do this on command. However, my big beef is with the “spiritual” shit that we inject into this very pointless exercise. And it is pointless. Make no mistake. You can do it all day long but it’s ultimately pointless. And here’s why.

1) Um… last time I remembered sex wasn’t about orgasm. If I masturbate but don’t cum, is that still sex? If I fuck my partner and neither of us come, was it still sex? The answer is yes. As Carrellas showed us, an orgasm can be all mental, but that doesn’t mean you’re exercising any of your genital orgasms. It just means you’re thinking very hard and luckily thinking hard finally has a reward: Orgasm. That’s not sex. The orgasm is awesome but not essential, important, or even required for any sexual experience.

2) I can’t touch myself? Now why the FUCK would I want to find a reason not to touch myself? Sure, it’s cool to orgasm. But, I’ve done it enough to know there’s not much else you’re gonna get out of it. Sure, you’ll have big ones, small ones, violent ones. I just don’t understand how a mental orgasm is any better than touching yourself. Touch, especially self-touch is soooo important. Knowing how to be touched, what turns your body on, and even exploring the sexual limitations (or lack thereof) of one’s entire body is most exciting to me than thinking my way to orgasm. Fuck, let me tell you a story.

I’ve been suffering gastritis up the wazoo, and today was the worst. I was in complete head to toe pain and could only eat tiny bits of a tortilla chip at a time. Of course, I know that when I’m stressed I can masturbate (not orgasm, masturbate). So, I got on my favorite chikan porn and I used my fingers at first. MAN was my clit so sensitive. I was so afraid to touch her because the rest of my body seemed to fail. I cried because I had to pull my hand away. But, I went back to her, rubbed her til I reached a point where I felt like cumming, and finished with a vibe. The orgasm wasn’t important, the touch was. I needed to feel (not think) that intimacy.

Sex without touch isn’t sex to me. It isn’t.

3) All I see this being is another fucking trend, one in which women feel like this is an alternative to sex… IT’S NOT SEX! *ahem* Sorry Tourette’s, I swear. Remember the squirters? How many of you bitches wanted to squirt that pussy? Yeah, you bought the bullshit that it may have some healthy or even exciting benefits to it, but quite frankly some women will never learn how. Nor do they need to. Because, squirting, like thinking your way to orgasm, is a parlor trick. And, quite frankly, why are these somehow (squirting, thank God, isn’t taken as seriously anymore) taken seriously over Belladonna shoving a baseball bat up her ass surprises me.

My worst fear: Some chick who once thought herself to orgasm now feels like she might have to fake it when she doesn’t reach her Oh-ful nirvana or becomes too frustrated when she can’t. Ugh!

This brings me to my next rant, which is really why I’m just pfft about this whole orgasm bullshit. There are plenty of fun, wondrous sexual superpowers that our bodies are aware of or that we learn through experience. Some can squirt. Some just rather skip all of that (okay) and go straight to the ending, others can take three dicks (or dildos or hands) in one hole. Awesome! What I find interesting is how certain tricks are suddenly soooo “spiritual” while others are left in the dust. I truly wonder if Belladonna’s baseball ass insertions would fit well next to Carellas’s class on thinking orgasms. Why is one considered spiritual over the other? Because you’re using your brain? Belladonna is a smart lady; she has to be if she needs to figure out how to safely shove a stick up her bum.

Because “spiritual” or tantric sex is a trend, one that often connotes a pretentious “holier than thou” environment that makes other, equally nonsensical sexual acts seem disgusting.. mostly because they’re in porn. I like the explanation of it in this article, though he does try and sell you a class at the end so it’s best to look up various sources on what tantra really means… because I think spirituality is thrown around too often without anyone really asking what it means (like sex positivity).

One night at a networking party I spoke to a couple that teaches tantric sex. The fellow told me that they had a chance to teach tantric sex to some porn actors. I thought that was pretty cool because, hey, you don’t see the “tantric” method (whatever) used in adult films. But, the lady vehemently opposed it. I asked her why and she wouldn’t give me a straight answer. She just shook her head and said it wasn’t necessary and she didn’t want to be apart of something like that.

Hmmm… now of course they aren’t meant to represent the entire “tantric” community but c’mon. Don’t shit in an ice cream cone and tell me it’s a sundae. Judging by comments on sites like Dodsonandross and in other places, there’s already a pompous attitude taken towards porn, especially since we all love to say “Porn sex isn’t real sex.” Yeah, well, thinking your way to an orgasm isn’t real sex either and it isn’t safe.

It’s not safe sex. If Carrellas is teaching that, then she’s basically teaching an acceptable form of abstinence… because it’s soooo spiritual. Safe sex is masturbation. Safe sex is fucking somebody knowing you’re at optimal sexual health and hoping your partner is too; and if you don’t know then you need to put a rubber on it (fuck that ring, Beyonce).

Again, if there are girls who can do this, then awesome. There’s nothing wrong with orgasms. Let’s just be clear about where we’re learning it from and how it’s being taught to us, especially if you have to pay for it.

My advice: Just have more sex. Get dirty. Let your body respond and react, get wounded and heal. Get out of your head.

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umm... whoa?

Mon, 09/13/2010 - 02:51
User01 (not verified)

You know, I wouldn't mind your rant so much if it weren't just irritating on several levels.

Yeah, hands-free orgasm is a parlor trick. No, no one NEEDS to do it. I don't fully agree for many of the same reasons that you don't, because it does seem like a very embellished kind of abstinence and it does seem rather pointless. I haven't done it, though I've come veerrrryy close and thought I might a few times. It's great, feels fantastic and all, but I really don't care to go out of my way to refine my technique or anything. (Though I don't imagine the scenario of "What are you doing to yourself?" "Nothing. Just breathing." would be what most people would hope to hear during phone sex...)

However, it does create some interesting implications otherwise, including the notion that if a woman could literally think herself to orgasm without fail and wasn't using it as a "holier than thou" abstinence technique, it could make other sexual activities like vaginal intercourse, phone sex, or other things more orgasmic. Afterall, one of the best ways to help women achieve orgasm from penetration other than to masturbate on her own time and be well acquainted with her partner and her body is to masturbate during sex, which I find can be inconvenient and distracting at times. It's a stretch, but she might be able to use her orgasmic novelty to her advantage in that situation. And lets not forget that phone sex is a type of sexual activity.

Also, I had a problem with one sentence: "An orgasm can be all mental, but that doesn't mean you're exercising any of your genital orgasms." What? What were you trying to say exactly? Had you meant "exercising your genital muscles"? "Having a 'real' genital orgasm"? Honestly, whatever you'd meant, that sentence shows a pretty high-and-mighty attitude in itself. Yes, you can exercise genital muscles without stimulation, the pubococcygeus muscle contracts whenever you feel sexual feelings, not just during masturbation, intercourse, or Kegels. Thinking about sex makes them contract, relax, or expand. And I can't see why an orgasm had from thinking/fantasy would be any less healthy or good, since simply having blood flow in the area and allowing the vagina to lubricate is good for genital health, not to neglect uterine and cervical contractions.

Besides, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "Oh yeah, hands free is the way to go. Screw sex and masturbation. This is the real deal, no more of that for me!" Heck, if I could think myself to orgasm, I'd probably do it all the time! I love orgasms, even without stimulation! It feels great and helps me feel relaxed and in a good mood. Does that mean I'd give up on having sex or masturbating normally? Hell no! I love that too! Think outside the box, for Pete's sake.

Why dog on any kind of sex?

Sun, 03/13/2011 - 11:34
Kathleen R. (not verified)

For the longest time, for years, I could not orgasm by touching my clitoris. Only a few times had I ever had an orgasm vaginally, and I wasn't about to jump through hoops to do it all the time.
Yeah, orgasm isn't the end-all-be-all of sex. But I couldn't orgasm by touching my clitoris because I could hardly FEEL anything when I ever TOUCHED it. Recently, over the past two years, I have managed to mastrubate and do sexual exercises that have made my clitoris very sensitive and I can now orgasm a lot more often when I am in the mood for that from m clitoris.
However, before all of this and throughout my teenage years, my only way to experience any physical sexual pleasure was through thinking my way to it. I wouldn't always orgasm, but I often did. I always felt heat and pulsing in my genitals and I liked it. A lot.
My think-sex wasn't tantra (although I have enjoyed the pleasures of tantric sex, and before you knock down everyone who enjoys it you should give it a try first), my think-sex was porn-literature that my close friends on livejournal wrote. We would write fanfiction and other fiction (sometimes based on one's experiences) for eachother and get off on it. I wouldn't have to touch myself (because at the time, I was having frustration with getting off throught those means not because I didn't want to but because it was difficult. I could just think about the sex and visualize it and feel good from that. Think-sex saved me from celibacy in my teenage years, and I absolutely DO consider it sex because of how it made me feel.
Not everyone goes through their whole life being visual or physical people. it has always been said that the brain is the biggest sex organ, and for me sexual/intillectual stimulation has been the most frequent sex of my life up to this point. I don't see anything wrong with it.
Just because some think-sexers and tantric sex people and squirters think that "their way" is the only way to have sex, doesn't mean all of them are like that. To have predjudices against them makes you no better than the people you complain about. Just as there is nothing inherently wrong with BD/SM and mastrubration or porn, there is nothing inherently "holier than thou" or wrong with tantric sex or spiritual/sexual rites, or asexuality for that matter if that is how a person naturally is and comfortable with. All sex that is one with the attitude of seeking pleasure, being healthy, having fun, and not violating any one else is "good sex".
So, there is no need to go on an angry and bitchy rant about how someone other than you chooses to have sex.
Also, saying fuck in every paragraph makes you sound like a punk that was raised on the streets and has no manners. Grow up.

Why the hostility?

Kid For Today's picture
Sun, 05/22/2011 - 16:00
Kid For Today

Why do you care how other people get off and what other people enjoy? I thought this site was about being open-minded to the fullest extent, not chastising people for seeing things differently from yourself.

I'm a guy and I learned how to have a no-hands orgasm a few years ago on my own and without even knowing it was a "trend" or whatever. Although I don't do it often these days, it helped me grow sexually and intellectually. It helped me understand more about myself, about sexuality, and about the mind's functioning in general. Most importantly, it has helped me become better in tune with the woman's perspective on sexuality. I no longer look at sex as an exclusively physical act as most men; because of that, I now feel much more confident with women and am able to achieve true intimacy with them, both on a spiritual/mental level as well as physical.

You say that the "spiritual" stuff is thrown around too much without a true understanding for what it actualy means. This is true. However, that doesn't in any way discredit the actual notion of spirituality.

Sad logic.

Wed, 01/21/2015 - 13:50
salt shaker (not verified)

I assume that despite your enjoyment of masturbation you have not given up sex. Likewise, because some enjoy a different way to masturbate does not necessarily mean anyone is going to give up sex and traditional self-touch.
If "thinking off" is a form of abstinence then so is masturbation.
The closed logic in this piece is truly depressing.
Pointless?! I mean, isn't this pretty much the exact case some make against sex when not for the express purpose of procreation?
Final disjointed ponderance: if the orgasm isn't important, then why did you finish with a vibe that otherwise pain-filled day? Why orgasm at all?
In short, from one's high horse it is easy to call walking pointless, but shows a serious disregard of others' life experiences.