Who Wouldn't Want to be the Next Elvira?

Wed, 06/16/2010 - 08:53
Submitted by Anonymous

It's a rainy, gray Sunday. I've masturbated twice and I still don't feel tired enough for a cat nap. In these situations, I either write or watch the boob tube. Writing, however, is a luxury - a vacation.

So boob tube it is! And boob tube is what I received... along with a blast from my past!

I first spotted this buxom brunette at our local supermarket. She, well her cutout, held a platter of cardboard beers. Being an eternal fan of Halloween, Elvira's look attracted me right away! Her black bouffant hair and cascading locks reminded me of a large, silken tarantula. And her body was cartoonishly perfect, with her heaving cleavage and skintight gowns. Since Movie Macabre was shown throughout the 80s, I completely missed her boat. But, she did have her classic films, movies I'd like to consider the worst of the worst as well... and thus my favorites!

So, to my surprise I happened to stumble upon a reality show that resurrected Elvira from the dead! And how appropriate! In The Search for the Next Elvira, several ladies must compete to find out who will become the next Mistress of the Dark!

Now, for me Elvira was an icon because she made two sometimes awkward and frightening subjects rather funny: Sex and Horror. She harmoniously dished out provocative banter along with some fright-related pun; first she made slut jokes at her own expense and then snuck in a few more sexual innuendos whenever necessary. She made being a slut look like fun, and she represented an element of Halloween that is devoted to the goth look, but doesn't take itself too seriously... how refreshing!

Naturally, I thought the only thing this reality competition would have going for it is Elvira herself, who must possess some supernatural power (or excellent genes and lighting) because that woman hasn't aged a bit - the cardboard cutout at the grocery store boasted more wrinkles than Ms. Elvira of today!

All of the ladies who competed looked like they had a blast! Even the chicks who lost were eliminated all showed grace and devotion to the headmistress. And, let me just say that the spirit of Elvira was in every element of this show. The entire tone felt pretty farcical, as if I watched a really bad B-version of a reality show. Perhaps that's how one would describe The Surreal Life. If do, then it fits! My favorite part of the entire show is when Elvira eliminates one of the unfortunate souls who couldn't make the cut. And, how would she get rid of these failures? Zap them with a laser beam that makes their body explode and their bones disintegrate. I'm serious!

So, of course, I fantasized about being on the show. I would slink in with my best velvet skintight gown in a dark navy blue or purple, my hair teased up to Bride of Frankenstein proportions, with the signature white streaks at either side for authenticity. I could totally impress Elvira with my comedic rhythm, my Marlene Dietrich as I dramatically float from one side of the room to the next, and my Carol Burnett type whimsy that pops up at the right moments.

The Search for the Next Elvira was not about competition. There were no cat fights or prima donnas... if you don't count Elvira's MANviras, two longtime impersonators and fans. Instead, the show was a celebration of Elvira, a type of celebration befitting a B-Movie Goddess. Even after the show has ended, it can be said for sure that none of the contestants, not even the winner, came close to embodying the same spirit and persona that had made Elvira infamous for so long. For me, Elvira made it okay to like a woman's pair of huge knockers and be able to joke about it, breaking the sexual tension instead of causing it.

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Sat, 12/02/2017 - 12:10

Can't tell you how many time I got off watching Elvira late at night when I was a very horny teen. Even today, at age 65 I still enjoy and collect some great pictures of her. What a knockout, sexy lady.


Sat, 12/02/2017 - 12:16

Can't tell you how many time I got off watching Elvira late at night when I was a very horny teen. Even today, at age 65 I still enjoy and collect some great pictures of her. What a knockout, sexy lady.