The Sexier Shades of Halloween: Witches

Today, I want to discuss an often misunderstood and somewhat degraded character that comes up time and time again in Halloween traditions: The Witch.

That's right, guys! You've seen how she's turned out. Frankly, there's only two places you're going to buy the average witch costume: Ricky's and any bargain store that sells a ratty black wig and green make-up. And maybe a fake witch's mole. But that's it.

So, we've taken very polarized images of a witch, the oversexed, less-than-scary "sexy witch", and the ugly, old, and comical "Witch from Wizard of Oz" look. Not much of the Goddess's image has been explored ever since.

My point is this - like every other monster I simply adore, the witch has to have her thing. And we hardly celebrate her thing anymore. Werewolves - they're ferocious, uncontrollable, and they give us a good excuse to experiment with bestiality; vampires - they're beautiful and pale and want to seductively tap our necks for blood. Even zombies get some love too for being lobotomized, flesh-eating, hellhounds. But, a witch is simply not loved for being a witch anymore.

Witchcraft is sexual and unpredictable in this sense. Not to mention that witches are very gynocentric. We are the providers and creators of this world and that of the supernatural. We can summon up demons and spirits. We can understand how the psychic gears that move our world work and we can use that to hopefully move towards peace or serenity. And, of course, to unleash curses on our haters, sacrifice children, worship Satan, and cast our spells in the nude.

So, let's say you're planning to become a witch this year. Here are some authentic representations that are sure to turn heads:

-The Heretic: Whether you're a puritanical maiden pinned to a cross, bound in shackles, or charred while on the steak, you can use this image of the witch to conjure up very real images of what happened to "witches" in Europe and America.

-The England Witch: This is my favorite look. And I still see this style used as a Halloween costume and elements of it in fashion. This witch is one of the old-school. You may have seen her in the film "The Worst Witch" starring Fairuza Bulk (who I will talk about later). She is seen in black or gunmetal dresses that are heavily corseted. The bottom could be a hemmed dress or one that is balled. She may have puffy little shoulders but her hat is stylish and sleek. Remember your broom: Perfectly trimmed bristles and a sturdy handle. You're a lady so make sure to ride your broom sidesaddle.

-The Grunge Goddess: These are witches that I grew up with. In high school they wore the best clothes. They were heavily into provocation and were fortunate enough to practice their worship in beautiful places: The forest, the beach... Oh, and they could receive whale sacrifices in exchange for their worship. And they could totally kill you. F*ck brooms. They flew through the air. They levitated. They were badass. They probably listened to Hole.

-Whore of Satan: Let's face it. The torture of persecuted women in the 1600s was sexually fetishized by religious fanatics. They forced women to spin tales of seduction and obscenity, nightly trips to the Master's Den with the other mistresses, blood-soaked orgies, and drinking Satan's icy sperm! Ugh! But, if I may, such illustrations of horror showed how much those religious fanatics (and most men) are frightened by our sexual power and by our gender. They continually use us to objectify their mommy tendencies and to grope at their sexual urges. But, remember, all women have sexual power. And if we all have sexual power, why not meet with the devil in the middle of the night? Why not experience supernatural ecstasy with a monster? At least he doesn't have any hangups. And, you would get to bond with all of your girlfriends in an orgy! Maybe being the "whore of Satan" isn't so bad. So, make sure to look really orgasmic and somewhat post-coital... (undone hair, crazy look in your eye... covered in twigs and smeared in mud/feces). You may also want to have Satan nearby... or a goat (You might be f*cking one of them later on).

-Nature's Goddess: Return to the Pagan traditions and become the Goddess. This can either be a sappy angelic look or one that can play out very well as a horrific figure. I would call upon the references of the Goddess Hera and even Persephone. Hera is my favorite. She exercised her power for her own desires. And, nothing's scarier than having complete control over the universe.

-The Old Crone: We've all seen the old crone played time and time again. But, be creative. Let the old crone be seen as a wise and somewhat unnatural looking character. Her face has aged but may still retain a tan or earthy tone (not just green, guys, think beiges and browns). The Old Crone isn't to be trusted, but you have to if you want her to help. Just be sure that she can give you the type of help you need... you might end up in a coma or as one of her familiars.

So don't be so predictable, ladies. Really celebrate the iconic symbolism of the witch and bring some charm and mysticism to the role.

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