Having an orgasm on camera is the most intimidating thing you can ever conceive of doing. For many of us, having an orgasm at all is a challenge. Add a camera and orgasm becomes the greatest honesty.
After we shot the Bodysex film and flew off to Norway to film a private session for NRK, it was all over: I was a woman who'd had an orgasm on camera. I'd crossed the line from lawyer to porn star. There was no going back.
If I had a nickel for every time someone said, "Carlin, you don't need to do these things", I'd be a rich woman. And it took so much away from the experience. Betty and I were so excited to think of these sex positive images being distributed across Scandanavia. Our episode ran on Norway's MTV equivalent. We'd imagined how different our lives would have been if we'd viewed authentic images of orgasm instead of the typical male-centric pornography.
Deep down I'd hoped for some sort of congratulations for having the confidence to present my sexual self to the world...for displaying that sort of vulnerability. Maybe I thought they'd see the difference between images that titilate and images that educate. Ultimately, there is no difference.
Not only did my choice affect my relationship, but it affected me. I experienced intense feelings of liberation. The worst thing you can call a woman is "whore". The worst thing you can do is have a sex tape go public (although a sex tape launched the Kardashian brand). As a woman, you can be sexual but you have to either repent or blame your boyfriend to get back in America's good graces. I was unrepentant. I owned it.
Relaunching the bodysex workshops took my liberation one step further. There's no greater feeling than healing women's body shame and sexual guilt. You can't do this work and hold on to any baggage. You must be clear, grounded, and open. And I love being naked with other women in a non-performance/no agenda environment.
After doing 6 workshops, I realized the brilliance of Betty's orgasm techniques. Taking the women through her rock n' roll technique to the pillow fuck and indian style vibe positions was transformative. It just works. I started to script out in my mind how I'd perform all these positions and techniques on camera.
I didn't think about it again until one of our bloggers, Lawrence Lanoff, sent me a text to say he was in town. Lawrence was a real film director in another life. To have someone like him work on this project would be perfect. It could be me, Lawrence, two cameras and one mic - nothing more. I texted my proposition - Lawrence was in.
Over the next week my entire life imploded. My long-term partner started radiation therapy, I was given two weeks to move out of my apartment, and my relationship ended. It was so intense that I thought about cancelling the shoot. Then I realized that it was exactly what I needed.
We shot from 11 am to 6pm. I literally orgasmed for 7 hours. We set up two cameras for each orgasm position - a tight pussy shot and a wide body shot. I looked right at the camera and described how I was stimulating my body...what I was feeling...why orgasm was important to me. I was panting - out of breath - sweating from head-to-toe. At one point, I just collapsed on the floor. Lawrence grabbed the camera and ran it down my body. I shared how my fingers and toes were tingling. The camera panned to my pussy to document my erection...the reddening of my labia and plumping of my clitoris.
It was so intimate. It was so pure. It's the most honest work I've ever done.
When we wrapped, Betty came into the living room, "I want to masturbate on camera too". Lawrence and I couldn't believe it. We'd created such positive sex energy that Betty felt compelled to share her orgasm. That next day we were back on set with Betty. The images were so powerful. To see an octogenarian stimulate her body to orgasm...to see her wet pussy and her flush skin was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed.
I know that these clips will be the best we've ever produced. Now we have Betty's orgasm method documented for the ages. To be the woman given this opportunity feels amazing. In the end, it is an honor.
And I know that my choices are polarizing - that most people won't be able to "handle" them - but none of that matters. Despite all my loss, I am happy.