At the beginning of each season, I head to my closet and try on my clothes from last year. It's about figuring out what I "want" to buy and what I "need" to buy before heading to the shops. For the last several years, I've spent xmas in Barbados so it's only been a few months since I've been in jean shorts and sundresses.
Did I have to do a body reset. Since going off the pill, my body has been in a state of flux. First, I gained a few pounds right on my stomach. I didn't freak out but decided to embrace my new body. Then I noticed that my hips and ass kind of leaned out a bit...that was fine too. I've always had to sculpt my lower body because that was where I put on weight. Now it was about my core. Got it.
I guess I haven't been paying much attention to myself lately (kind of in a stressful bit right now). So you can imagine my surprise when I started going through my summer wardrobe and couldn't zipper anything.
My breasts grew 1/2 cup size. If I'd known that my boobs would get bigger, I would have gone off the pill years ago. I could zip up most of my dresses but when I got to top of the dress right by my breasts...it wouldn't budge. My Calvin Klein dresses - done. Even my DVF - over.
Then I moved on to my knit dresses thinking these would be a sure bet. Oh no, my friend, as it turns out my ass is higher and bigger. I picked up some leg lift exercises on goop.com (compliments of Tracy Andersen) and now I have the ass of a fucking superhero. Thank god most of my jeans have some spandex or I'd have nothing to wear. Jean shorts I wore three months ago - I can't even get them half way over my ass. I had to let go of 15 dresses that I loved and looked great on me *sigh*
I feel super juicy and that's kind of intimidating. I would have never thought that I'd experience this sort of body change at 40. Then again Betty says that 40 was when she hit her stride - it was one of her best "sex" decades.
I'm at a place where I don't know what's next - where I'll be living, who'll I'll be spending time with, or what my body has in store for me. But I'm not going to freak out or try to control things. I'm not dieting. I'm not online dating.
This is a moment to reflect on my life and create my future. In a way, I feel like my new body is teaching me to accept change and let go of the past.
How do I feel about my body: she's never let me down and I love my new curves.
How do I feel about my orgasm: I can give myself full-body orgasms and that's enough for now.
In the end, what else does a girl need?