I Remember the First Time I Experienced the Ying/Yang Dynamic Between a Dom/Sub

Fri, 10/17/2014 - 06:45
Submitted by Anonymous

HIM: Great to hear from you Sir, and I would love to explore less typical ways of experiencing the Dom/sub dynamic. Since it's mostly all in my head, the more subtle the expression, the more exciting…

US: what we do stems totally from two things - the first? our realization we are guys who simply are and always have been in charge - this understanding got refined like hot steel hitting water when we jumped into each other arms and were fucking within 2-3 minutes of seeing one another. wild unchanneled frenzied fucking, sucking - the whole works. each of us fucking the other. so much for roles.

We were totally in shock, then surprised, then had these big grins on our face. for we realized that the forms of being in charge, being dom, top, whatever the label, meant nothing in the face of lust - or love. when my husband fucks me i'm as active as he is when i fuck him.

The second is that being in charge includes choosing someone else to be in charge. this was brought home this summer when we met a lebanese top - (the details in a previous post) he’s a top's top - who totally plowed my ass 6-8 times a session and played my love's ass like a string quartet - each day for 10 days - it was like getting our ph.d.'s in fucking, sucking, kissing, nip play, erotic massage, and edging etc etc.

Never did I think about what we were doing as sub/dom, pass/active - it was ultrasexual - we'd joined a superclub - for then we did him the same way - without the blink of an eye - going through endless rubbers just as he did - except we had the advantage. while he truly had the skill we had the numbers: being able to muster four arms & hands, two cocks & tongues - he didn’t stand a chance - so he, excellent top that he is, chose to ride the horses riding him - yes, in topping, that’s how it is. true tops mindfuck in their bodyfucking - and in so doing multiply it and magnify it.

Dear lad, my cock twitches when it sees the photos of your ass, and those face pix. I want to plunge my tongue into your throat and tangle with your tongue till we both gasp from the pleasure but back to forms. We have the required restraints, sure. prefer the leather + chain. less fuss than rope. nothing should get in the way of passion. certainly not prep. We've got toys, dildos. but we really have little need. our sling? fun for one angle but the massage table is so much more versatile and doing four handed massage while fucking you in the mouth and ass simultaneously possesses you so much more totally than could be achieved in a sling - that's it. We do blindfold. that really helps your imagination run wild. but we blindfold ourselves. Making you wonder - and be in wonder - The State to be in while making wild passionate whoopee. But it's not needed if you are so possessed by the energy that's being generated simultaneously without hesitation from the gut, balls, and heart & head - then you are naturally blinded…

We want to possess you. and the best sign of that is leaving our cocks simply in your mouth and ass, stroking your skin slightly - with you knowing from your yearning from your lusting after the least movement, the smallest touch that we are in charge of you.

HIM: Wow, to be utterly possessed and controlled by two men in the way your describe is what I've always dreamed about. It sounds amazing and very special. You are two very special men!

US: Then we read each other loud and clear - and we love the message - we give and you get = you give and we get = mutual pleasure

HIM: very much so -- I remember the first time I experienced that ying/yang dynamic between a Dom/sub, what a miraculous feeling that was to discover that there were men who wanted to do things I wanted done to me...and it still excites me.

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I kinda always liked your

Sat, 10/18/2014 - 09:12
Dotty (not verified)

I kinda always liked your posts and the gay perspective but I am getting a bit tired with all the superlatives. Why is it that the male bloggers here always boast and brag and exaggerate so much?

a male perspective?

Sun, 10/19/2014 - 03:56

Dotty,
I found Bjorn's blog a bit of a turn-off this time around but was thinking it's maybe my problem rather than his.

It just read so very self-congratulatory and self-confident. That's probably a good sign for their relationship - it has to a be a good thing that they're so confident in themselves, right? - but it was just too difficult for me to empathise with.

I was left thinking well, good for you Bjorn. Now let us mortals return to the fray of everyday sex, with our everyday insecurities and emotional pitfalls.

Now I'm looking through the male bloggers posts and trying to work out whether it really is just the way men communicate about sex, lots of superlatives and extreme situations.

Let's be wary of stereotyping

Sun, 10/19/2014 - 14:33

I'm surprised, Dotty and NLH, that you reacted to Bjorn's post with such apparent willingness to extend your negative reaction to include all of D&R's male bloggers, or possibly even all men. We're all entitled to our reactions and our experiences have given all of us some preconceptions, but Bjorn is only one person. There are as many styles of communication as there are people. There is no one way that all men, or all women, or all male or all female bloggers, communicate about sex or anything else. There is not even just one way that gay male bloggers into BD/SM communicate about sex. And bloggers on D&R are by definition a small, select group, not a random sample of men and women.

Different Styles are ok

Mon, 10/20/2014 - 03:45

Patrick,
As per my post, my initial response to Bjorn's latest blog was lack of empathy which I largely attributed to my own inadequacies rather than anything innate to the blog. As you know, I have read and found many of Bjorn's blogs interesting in the past so this was surprising to me.

Having said that, Dotty's comments made me think. The communication styles of men and women can be very different. It's a generalisation, but one borne out by a number of studies in the workplace showing louder, more confident men are often rewarded above and beyond their equally capable but quieter and less obvious female colleagues.

It's not unreasonable to extrapolate that style variation to discussions around and about sex especially blogs, to suggest the language of men might be different to that of women, might be more confident, more superlative and more extreme, or maybe just more action focused than reflective. I see no need to be defensive about all difference; it's ok for there to be different styles as long as we can accept the generalisation isn't always true or over/ undervalued.

As it happens, when I looked back through the blogs, for a couple of pages I didn't really find any evidence supporting the idea on this site. Bjorn has his own style. Edgerman is very thoughtful and analytical. Betty tends to be very factual and direct in her message. Carlin tends to throw in pieces around art and political commentary. Dr Lulu, Princess and Helen Betty cover a lot of ground.

The bloggers on this site are a mixed bunch and all the more enjoyable as a result.

Well,

Mon, 10/20/2014 - 13:58
Dotty (not verified)

sorry for generalising. Probably happened because I remember several posts by Eric where wrote in a self-congratulatory way about his oh-so-perfect sex with his oh-so-perfect girlfriends.
My absolute favorite bloggers here are Betty, Virgin Monoblogger and Helen aka Liandra Dahl (where are you ladies, by the way??? I miss you) and Carlin when she writes about her childhood and life experiences. Why? Because they open up, show us their vulnerability and tell the truth, be it bitter or sweet or hilarious or.... And they are great storytellers.
Bjorn, your posts are hot but why dont you share with us something about your sexlife that is funny or embarrassing? Just for the change of it.

Negative over-generalizations

Mon, 10/20/2014 - 18:59

I agree that it's entirely legitimate to discuss communication styles, NLH, but it's a mistake to imply that everybody in a group shares the same (implicitly negative) style.  There might well be differences in communication style between the average man and woman in our culture, but where these styles come from is another question. I think that sexism and a predatory economic system have a lot to do with our conditioned communication styles, but these are learned and environmental, not inborn. And as you note, they're 'not always true'. As societies become more egalitarian, these styles will change for the better.

When I see assertions that ALL men or ALL women behave in such-and-such a way, I'm immediately skeptical. Particularly when it's some negative quality that's casually being attributed to a whole group or class. 'Boastful' and 'self-congratulatory', for example, are hardly neutral or complimentary terms and they are not traits that most of us would see as 'okay'. And since I believe that women should never have to put up with negative generalizations about their entire gender, I believe the same of men.

I'm not saying, of course, that there's no such thing as an annoyingly boastful person. We have a capitalist culture that actually rewards obnoxious egotism and has historically valued men over women, so I know that these negative qualities exist and that they need to be acknowledged and understood. I also know, however, that they're not universal or exclusive to men. I think it's in the interest of fairness to avoid broad negative generalizations about anybody. I'll second your observation, by the way, that D&R has a terrific, varied, and highly interesting group of bloggers. I only wish that we'd hear from more of them more often!

Men & Women Talking

Tue, 10/21/2014 - 12:11

Patrick,

I think that there is a real issue here around communication and how men and women talk about sex, both their own experiences and how they relate to other people's stories.

I found Bjorn's latest blog, self confident and self-congratulatory. To my mind, these are not critical descriptions. As noted originally, it must be a good thing for their marriage that they feel both confident and celebratory. & ofcourse it's entirely reasonable and ok for Dotty and myself to not enjoy a blog every so often. I find it easier to relate to the pratfalls and emotional disasters that I've some experience of in my own life but have very much enjoyed some of Bjorn's positive blogs in the past and will do so in the future.

It made me think about styles of communication, and whilst this site is a great example of a whole diverse set of bloggers I think that some generalisations around communication styles can be made and are useful to acknowledge.

Betty speaks very directly and very factually about sex but she is unusual - it's one of the reasons I really enjoy this site and really value the work that she does here.

Many women writing into the site seem unable to ask for what they want directly, unable to set boundaries or ask for their own needs to be taken into account. They often have difficulty talking directly and openly with their partners or when they try to do so, are met with incomprehension or disbelief. A lot of the problems in relationships described in letters are all about difficult communications, problems with women speaking and men hearing what is being said.

Looking back through the last few pages, men seem to write in with factual questions about how to have sex, how to improve sex (for themselves or what they can do for their partners). There's very little self doubt to be found compared to the letters from women. It all seems a bit more action focused, a bit more external with less to say (or ask) about the internal emotional or spiritual side of sex.

This doesn't seem especially surprising or contentious to me. As you say, moving towards a more egalitarian world, wouldn't it be great if we could take the best of both styles and fit them most appropriately to the situations we find ourselves in?

As always, enjoyable to discuss ideas with you. Wishing you well.

Communication styles and gender

Tue, 10/21/2014 - 16:06

Dotty and NLH, thank you both for your interesting posts, which I've found thought-provoking.

Dotty, of course we're all entitled to our opinions and impressions. You were honestly irritated and you should feel free to say so. What I had trouble with was really the (no doubt unintentional) implication that all the male bloggers here always share the identical off-putting qualities. People are too varied for that. If someone had said, 'It seems to me that men in general may be more inclined to superlatives and boastfulness than women', I might have agreed or disagreed with this impression but it would have been something we could have researched and opened to discussion. (By the way, I personally felt bad for Eric one of those times you're talking about, because he really got jumped on for saying, basically, that his wife really appreciated his lovemaking skills. Since Eric was trained by Betty Dodson herself it's quite plausible to me that his skills are in fact above average, but our society doesn't like us to imply such things ourselves even if they might be true). I also really enjoy your favorite bloggers and I appreciate something about all of D&R's contributors, but as you and I both wondered, why don't we hear from them more often?

NLH, I find your remarks insightful. I agree that women in our culture are socialized to be more tentative, less confident, more inclined to self-blame and to look inward for the source of any problems. Men are socialized to be active problem-solvers and to be fearful of their doubts and insecurities, sometimes to the point of avoiding all conscious awareness of them. Men are under tremendous pressure to be able to master any and all situations, in or out of the bedroom. Since mastering everything is impossible, men are usually quite vulnerable and self-critical under all that external self-confidence. Some men are super-confident in everything (e.g. Donald Trump), but in my experience such people are textbook narcissists and are not typical.

So men do experience a great deal of self-doubt, they're just trained to disown it. If a woman has difficulty asserting herself about her sexual needs, and her male partner has trouble hearing that he's not doing the great job that he thought he was doing, that's a recipe for misunderstanding and unhappiness. I think we'd all benefit from a more compassionate understanding of the difficulties we face in trying to make a relationship work. Sex education should really include training in communication, training that is honest about the misunderstandings that our differing gender-based socialization can cause. Men can learn to tune in to their own inner lives and accept their vulnerabilities, which in turn will lead to a greater ability to hear and understand their partners. Women can learn to be more assertive and also gain a similar understanding of their partners.

So in sum, I agree that men and women tend to have different communication styles, but these differences aren't absolute or insurmountable, and they're artificial---the result of assigned gender roles. I also agree that we can learn a lot by examining these differences. And I have hope. I think we've made more progress in the last fifty years towards that more egalitarian world than in all previous human history. Thanks to you as well for another enlightening exploration.

No probs

Wed, 10/22/2014 - 07:39

Perhaps so many men boast, that when a man wants to relate a great sexual experience, it's assumed he's boasting too. Though I don't think I've done anything really well without there being at least one tiny problem. And I'm not talking about my penis :) Geofrey as I call him is of average proportions. Oh to be gay and free of heterosexual bullshit, expectations and etiqette. *Sings* Sing if your glad to be gay, sing of happy this way, hey. :)

Well hello, Geofrey

Wed, 10/22/2014 - 12:29

Jake,

This totally made me smile. Geofrey? Really?
Not Bungle, Zippy or George? Apologies if the Rainbow association is too weird but it was my first thought.

Seriously, the only essential for heterosexual sex is the need for a sense of humour cos something always goes "wrong" and is usually the better for it.

Hello

Thu, 10/23/2014 - 05:18

Geofrey doesn't get out much, so he'll be pleased when I tell him someone said hello :)

Geofrey

Thu, 10/23/2014 - 09:27

Based on your sense of humor, Jake, Geofrey ought to be getting out more often!

A bottom / sub for you

Tue, 07/07/2015 - 06:37
Senior68 (not verified)

 Thanks for telling me about your Blog.   Eager to read of our sexual adventure really soon.  

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