Things are Beautiful if You Love Them

Tue, 03/29/2016 - 08:53
Submitted by bila kolbe

America’s premier advice columnist, Dear Abby, received a letter from a distraught young woman. While going through her fiancée’s iPhone she stumbled upon some gay porn sites. Concerned about her beau’s sexual identity and gravely worried about their upcoming nuptial, she posed Abby with the question whether viewing gay porn classified ‘Mr. Maybe’ as a closet homosexual or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Abby referred her inquiry to Larry Flynt and a psychologist. The creator of Penthouse ruled that the likelihood was great her fiancée did indeed have covert homosexual tendencies. The ‘shrink’ suggested people can fantasize about same sex dalliances but that does not necessarily bear any impact on their sexual orientation.

I think both of these responses undeniably carry some truth; nevertheless, they lacked some fundamental perspectives on sex, beauty, and love.

Without getting into the right-to-privacy and homophobic arguments reeking in Ms. Concerned’s letter, I’d first like to share what I learned from a good friend as to what is basic understanding about anyone’s sexuality/sexual orientation-identity. At heart, it is a function of who we love as our significant other, lifelong companion, or spouse. Pretty simple. This works for me. I’ve been married thirty-seven years to a woman I want to be with for eternity. I am eternally grateful to the benevolence of the Universe for putting me on this trail to the discovery of Love. I have come to believe that Love is the greatest source of power, goodwill, transcendence, harmony, healing, well-being, empathy, sexuality…I’m panting out of breath listing Love’s attributes.

Now Beauty. We find beauty in a birdsong, the Golden Mean built into the dimensions of the Parthenon, autumnal foliage, ideal human physiques, joyful smiles, genitalia, breastfeeding mothers…we are hard-wired to be awestruck by the infinite manifestations of aesthetics. This goes beyond our cognitions, even our emotions take some time to catch up to our initial response to first contact with archetypes of le beau ideal. The allure of beauty opens the doorway to our hearts. Saint Augustine stated, “For love is the beauty of the soul.”

No matter our viewpoint on the pros and cons of porn, among many of its performers are those with gorgeous bodies, living Greek statues of divine proportions that excite our amygdala. Beauty transcends sexual orientation. Beauty should not be stigmatized or charged with exclusivity. Beauty can be enjoyed by everyone. Males should not fear being vilified for admiring muscular, ripped, well-hung studs in any type of sexual enterprise. The same goes for women mesmerized by viewing sexual divas explicitly exercising their sensuality in the company of others or alone.

Since Abby didn’t seek my advice, I’ll recommend the following to Ms. Concerned: whereas your fiancée watches porn, he probably enjoys masturbating. And, since he likes masturbating, there’s a good chance he nurtures a generous portion of self-love. I’m guessing he even likes to look at and admire his own manhood. He might even have a name for him. And there’s nothing wrong with admiring or fantasizing about other people’s beautiful genitalia. On the contrary, your beau is quite lucky to be unscathed by the vitriol of homophobes and dogmatic catechisms. You are fortunate for having the opportunity to let Love clean away the murk of fear and perversion from your soul.

Things are beautiful if you love them (Jean Anouilh). Love the cock! Love the vulva!

love, health, music, sex

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Life Affirming

Tue, 03/29/2016 - 10:03

I love the way you describe your relationship, as well as the beauty you find in life all around you. Your blogs are always so very life affirming - thank you.

But if she were your daughter, and after you have seriously scolded her for sneaking through his iphone, wouldn't you at least suggest that they need to talk about a few things before making a (supposed) life-long commitment?

The lack of trust involved in snooping through his stuff speaks to a huge problem, that is not going to get better unless addressed, an issue of trust rather than sexuality.

And whilst I agree with you that his use of porn sites of whatever flavour needn't be a problem and regular masturbation is no doubt hugely beneficial, keeping secrets from each other from the start of a relationship just causes trouble later down the line.

If it does turn out that her partner prefers men as sexual partners in real life as well as porn but feels himself "forced" into heterosexuality then it's an issue best discussed and dealt with upfront. 

Forced into heterosexuality?

Thu, 03/31/2016 - 06:09
bila kolbe

Dear NLH, Thank you for your response. Per your question, if Ms. Concerned were my daughter, I wouldn't scold her for rummaging through her fianceé's iPhone. The issue at hand maybe trust, or the boundaries of privacy, in any case, your suggestion THEY talk things over is the best route. Again, the lack of trust is not the only salient motive for her cyber intrusion. As stated above, who we choose as our lifelong partner is a strong indicator of our sexuality, appreciation of others' attractive corporal aesthetics or sexual prowess is being innately human. Too bad society views such endeavors pejoratively and not constructively. Too bad anyone would succumb to being forced into heterosexuality.

Value of universal appreciation without labeling

Wed, 04/06/2016 - 17:59

 Wow, again I am awestruck with the elegance and heartfelt truthfulness of your comments about things-are-beautiful-if-you-love- them on Betty's blog.   Love, freedom, and compassion are the antidotes to fear, control, and judgment.     When one is not afraid to appreciate and love anything that is beautiful within creation, one can truly live in the flow of life.   There are so many messages in the culture that expect us to be fearful of not being fearful.  I know, to be afraid of not being afraid, seems ridiculous.  In my mind, one of the ultimate signs of a confident man, is to be able to appreciate and acknowledge the beatify of women and men.   If one cannot see the beautify of one's own gender, than how can one think and feel that they have something wonderful to offer to the other gender.    Numerous studies have shown that the most homophobic men are the ones who struggle the most with homosexual feelings. On the contrary,  men who can confidently admire the physique of another man, are the ones most comfortable in their own skin and have capacity to relate and connect with women and friends. [/i]