Today I read a recent post by Dan Savage entitled "Broken".
The question begins with: "I am a 23-year-old female, sexually active for seven years, and I can’t reach climax. I am extremely frustrated..."
Dan Savage quotes Tracy Clark-Flory who discusses the evolutionary 'by-product theory'. According to this theory, "the female orgasm is an evolutionary hand-me-down—or, more cynically, lukewarm leftovers".
I was wondering what you thought of this Dan Savage column and the 'by-product' theory.
Dear Dr. Betty,
I'm a 25yr old single male. I've been single for 2yrs now, and have not had sex in those 2yrs. It hasn't been easy. I've had the opportunity to have a few one night stands but I haven't gone through with it. That's just not my thing and I'd prefer it to be with someone that I'm in a relationship with.
Long story short, self-pleasure has been my only release. I do this 3-4 times a week on average. Sometimes I masturbate on a daily basis. Lately I've been wondering if this is a bad thing. When I do meet someone and become intimate with them, will I be so used to masturbating that I ejaculate quickly? I feel like I've set myself up for embarrassment and that I should lay off masturbating for a while now. Any advice?
I have just made the recent horrific discovery that my mouth is really small...I'm concerned that I won't actually be able to fit a penis in my mouth for blowjobs. Help?!
If that's the worst problem you ever encounter, you can still have a great sexlife! I'd be more concerned about receiving good oralsex than giving it. If you hold a man's penis with your hand covered with lube and use your tongue to tease his glans, few men will ever complain. Meanwhile nothing wrong with opening and stretching your mouth including exercising your tongue muscle. I'll bet there is a book somewhere that goes into details about this. "Google that shit" as we say around the office here at D&R.
Thank you for your reply! I am very glad your internet page is there! After weeks of surfing the internet I find your approach is the only serious one and there is going beyond what can be found in books (!). - I am loosing a lot of energy when ejaculating. I can feel it for days. It puts me in bad mood. I find that some ejaculate too much. One can see it. They look old with 35. I find rapid ejaculating without listening to the body is a form of violence on ones own body. I find pleasuring without wanting anything but being with what can be sensed, can be a tremendous experience.
I, like many other women am sure, have been sexually abused. I was very promiscuous for quite some time, and still like random fucking every now and again. My problem is is that I find myself in situations with men that I am not really interested in and end up getting involved, sexually, because of either manipulation, my vulnerability, and/or lack of major boundary skills.
For the most part, these relationships are extremely one sided.. I rarely get off and then feel pretty shitty afterwards for allowing myself to be in that situation. I would love some advice (perhaps a video?) on dealing with this type of stuff. I understand that just speaking up etc is what I need to do, but what if that, in itself, is extremely hard while still being very sexual? Help!!
Hi Dr Betty!,
Here I go with another question for you. This one is about vaginal tightness. I have noticed when I use a bigger toy, it doesn't stay in. It's like my vagina pushes it out. This gets annoying when I want that full feeling when I orgasm, but always have to keep pushing it back in. Will this be an issue in a partner sex situation? Will I push him out of me? Or will I be so tight that it's uncomfortable for him? (I'm not being overly concerned with 'him', I already know full well that it's not going to be absolutely comfortable for me.) I also have another question about a subject I know you loathe!
Writing you again, as you see :)
My coworker and I were discussing the crime reports in our local newspaper (yes, I still read the old-fashioned, newsprint-on-the-hands newspaper). She and I are both in our mid-forties and we noticed that the instances of stranger rape seemed to not be a prevalent as they were in the seventies and eighties. I don't mean to belittle anyone's experiences with rape but it just seems like stranger-jumped-out-at-me rape either has decreased in our area (Baltimore suburbs) or it is not being reported in the media.
I know you get this question of "I've tried everything, but I still can't orgasm," but I'm asking again...I'm 28, have had twenty something partners and have been married for a year now. I know you say some people just don't recognize it, but I really don't think it's happening. It NEVER has, at least not sober. It's gotten to a point where I don't even want to have sex. I mean, for what? I believe it really makes my husband think he's inadequate, but it's ME...quick facts about our relationship: I used to drink heavily and had lots of sex under the influence and I used to soak the sheets!
I am a 63 year old widow and have not had vaginal penetration for 14 years. I normally orgasm fairly frequently within a few minutes with manual stimulation of my clitoris. Sometimes I insert a finger and press on the anterior wall of my vagina to help relieve that empty feeling. I have never used sex toys. I just realized that in the last year I haven't been masturbating quite as frequently and my orgasms are often not as intense. Lately I have noticed a burning sensation around my vagina and any penetration feels painful. There seems to be a little sign down there saying' keep out!' My self-imposed celibacy suggests why should this bother me but I just retired and since I have almost an empty nest at home I was thinking about actively looking for a new relationship.
Thanks to Lawence O'donnell for telling it like it is. We need more commentators like him. Yup, we got a police state but is that really any news for those of us who are awake? I don't think so. Fascists had their black and brown shirts. We have a crew of sexually frustrated overweight limp dicked white shirts who throw boys and girls on the ground and pepper spray them when they are corralled like animals. For shame!
The Revolution continues. SlutWalk is on Saturday Union Square at noon!
Hi Dr. Betty,
I wrote to you yesterday regarding my fear of my boyfriend's sexual behavior. I mentioned that we have anal pretty often, sex pretty often. I believe you concluded that based on his behavior he could be bi. I grew up in a household that didn't talk much about sex, this is my first time living with a man and I have no idea whats normal. He's into "double penetration" porn and fantasizes about having another man join us. We are going on our 2nd year living together, but this has come up since last year.
I just read the question and response from the guy whose girlfriend pushes him away when she's close to orgasm. I do the same thing with my boyfriend, but I think the reasoning is different. I've been with my current boyfriend since my late teens, and prior to dating him had only recently lost my virginity. At the beginning of our relationship he knew that I wasn't able to cum, but he became so frustrated eventually I just started faking it (I blame my youthful lack of judgment), figuring I could work it out on my own later. But now it's five years later, and I'm stuck with the same problem.
I know that everyone has different opinions about sex in this life and we all need to be happy. I think masturbation is fine when you're not in a relationship, so that you can learn about yourself and experience pleasure. I firmly believe against masturbation in a committed relationship and that you should please each other sexually. I am open to using sex toys on each other to keep things interesting and fun and am willing to try different techniques to attend to my partner's pleasure.
I am 21 years old and I believe my orgasms and sexual self-esteem have forever been tainted. When I was a young teen, about 14 or 15, I believe I was having orgasms voluntarily. I could sit a certain way and I would have great sensations and vaginal contractions. It felt good and I believed I was in the small minority of women who could have orgasms that easily.
I was enjoying myself by doing this whenever I wanted until I told one of my friends about it. I was 16 and still a virgin at the time, she was not, and as I explained it to her she assured me that what I was feeling was not an orgasm and that I'd know what a real orgasm is like after I had sex.