Wife Feels It Takes Me Too Long to Ejaculate

Mon, 12/19/2016 - 08:59
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

Most of your readers complain about them or their men not lasting long enough to enjoy sex. My problem is just the opposite. I enjoy sex and want to enjoy it as long as I can. This means that I can stay erect and have sex for over an hour on average. This has become a problem as my wife feels I take too long.

She says that sex with me is hard work and take a lot of effort. In fact, I am the one doing all the hard work while she enjoys it with her head in the pillows. To please her I try to cum earlier but thats not easy for me and leaves me unsatisfied.

Can You help me figure out how I can finish quickly and enjoy sex at the same time. is there something wrong with me?

Thanks, R

Dear R,

Well this is different from what I usually hear. She just doesn't enjoy fucking and wants it to be over with. Reach down and stimulate her clitoris while your fucking. After you've done it a few times to show her how good it feels, you can ask her to stimulate her own clitoris while you're having sex. Or let her read her Kindle while you are fucking her. Too bad she didn't marry a fast ejaculator. They are everywhere. I married one years ago. An hour is just about right for a woman to have her own orgasm with additional clit stim. Try it.

You can also invest in some sex toys and spend more time masturbating. I'm told the Fleshlight feels as good as the real thing and in your case, it won't complain if you take too long. Also try masturbating and getting turned on right before you do vaginal penetration to speed things up for wifey poo.

Will wonders ever cease?

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Fun?

Thu, 12/22/2016 - 02:43

In fact, I am the one doing all the hard work while she enjoys it with her head in the pillows.To please her I try to cum earlier but thats not easy for me and leaves me unsatisfied.

It doesn't sound as if your wife is getting any pleasure out of the hour that it takes you to orgasm, which is entirely believable if you're describing stright PIV sex. What exactly is she supposed to be getting out of sex with you: the warmth, the intimacy, the "show", an orgasm? To be frank, she doesn't seem to be getting a great deal here and you don't sound very sympathetic.

I'm trying to imagine your wife insisting that you lie still for an hour most nights (or a random selection of nights) whilst she completed her pilates/yoga/suduko puzzle/whatever. I'm wondering how long, for how many years you would be patient and encouraging in her new hobby or fitness routine before getting a bit fed-up just hanging around waiting for her to finish up so you could get on with life, go to bed, have a cup of tea etc. Is she supposed to be admiring your stamina, just taking pleasure in your pleasure? Because that could get a bit irritating after a couple of weeks never mind the years most of us put in to a marriage.

So taking a big step back, the obvious question is what are you trying to achieve with sex with your wife? What bit of your hour long penetration are you enjoying and what part of the process do you believe or expect her to enjoy with you? What is the most important or significant part of partnersex for you and importantly for her? Is it just your orgasm at the end or is it the "show" that you are putting on for your wife? Does the build up and orgasm have to involve penetration?

If you want her to share sex with you, then there needs to be something in it for her.

She needs to be having an orgasm herself, or at least sharing in some kind of intimacy and connection. If you want to share orgasms together, you need to sit down and work out what pleases her rather than focusing on what pleases you. If she's orgasmic, then maybe spend some time watching her orgasm, and understanding what she needs. If that's not an outcome she's looking for, then you need to make the experience more satisfying for her emotionally, more intimate and part of that might involve making the time shorter.

Because obviously you could orgasm on your own, or go to bed 30 minutes earlier than your wife, bring yourself near to orgasm and then share the "fun". There are lots of ways to make sex pleasurable for both partners,not least of which is mutual masturbation that takes away the stress and time constraints you seem to be living under, if that's what you both want. But after a few years of lying there just waiting for you to finish up, you run the risk of exhausting your wife's goodwill and patience & it does sound as if soemthing needs to change. 

YAY YAY well said. !!  It's a

Thu, 12/22/2016 - 14:11
lsjb (not verified)

YAY YAY well said. !!  It's a good thing your wife can still walk.

Men relax. No need to give clit-stim that isn't on the wishlist

Fri, 12/23/2016 - 10:10

What I'd like to see here in DR, is, more scrutiny & critical thinking on the proposition that:
'With practice, it's possible to do two things at the same time'.
In the advice above we have this idea again as Dr. Betty says, "Reach down and stimulate her clitoris while you're fucking. "
Also, R, is to ask his partner to stimulate her clit herself while the couple is having intercourse.
Think about it. This is what official as well as alternative sex ed is professing, but is the advice working? I don't think so considering the same problem is popping up ever so often. If the challenge could be fixed as easily as the advice tells us, couples round the world would have got it already.
Besides, this advice is embedded with more than a hint of blame. What? Still complaining? Clearly you're lazy, go practice some more!
Is it reasonable to expect that a person can do PIV sex + adequate, orgasm inducing clit-stim for the partner, simultaneously?
Can R or any average male of any age accomplish these two tasks at the same time so that neither his nor the woman's developing arousal curve towards orgasm is not in danger of being disturbed?
We know that stimulation needs to be individually tailored, uninterrupted, adequate by pressure, rhythm, etc., and psychologically focused, for as long as is needed until orgasm. 
Can a woman successfully self-stimulate herself to orgasm while receiving PIV intercourse? Not by far many, is my guess.
We know it can be tricky playing the piano with our right hand and patting our stomach rhythmically with the other, uninterrupted for as long as 30-45 minutes.
Think of keeping a plate in the air with a stick when dancing tango with a partner.
This is not for everyone, and futile from the aspect of meaningfulness. Orgasms for two can be reached with other, easier ways better. (See topics in the left side-bar column of the front page of this website.)
Trying to learn to do advanced acrobatics just does not make sense.
When giving this type of advice we may want to pause to think what kind of abilities we are talking about. Anyone can read what the science says of kinesiology, adaptation through exercise or neuroplasticity. Bodily biomechanical changes take years to emerge, if they happen at all.
So, no use even going there, I'd say. No multitasking needed.
Sex with and without partner is connected with pleasure, rest, effortlessness and release, not with strenuous training, performing, tolerating or enduring. Laziness is fully accepted.
Could we just not admit that PIV sex represents solely, specifically, male genital stimulation, not hers, which is quite OK!
It is safe to say that PIV sex likens itself to male masturbation (not female) and there is nothing wrong or guilt inducing about it.
Women need to stop faking they are aroused (during PIV) when they are not. Men need to let go of their shame of having the floor selfishly for themselves during PIV.
There is no basis for guilt, nor is there a need to give the partner sporadic, 'going through the motions' clit stim that in no way can be effective simultaneously with PIV. And it is nobody's fault.
Now that mutual pretending is out the door there is room for true feelings of awe and even, love. 
As fellow commentator NLH is saying, there are plenty of creative ways to make the intercourse a pleasant experience for both.
Honesty is helpful here, as always.

She Comes First

Tue, 02/07/2017 - 16:57
Older Lovers (not verified)

Divide your love making into thirds.

Focus first on foreplay, mutual masturbation, some anal play, anything and everything to her delight, etc.

Then ask her to let you know when she wants to come. Do anything and everything to maximize her pleasure and help her reach her O.

After she has been satisfied, then the two of you can focus on you. Perhaps you need some time for PIV pumping or oral sex, even further masturbation. Just be certain that you don't make her sore or wear her out. Reach your O in a variety of ways.

If, perhaps, you only want to O through an extensive PIV thrusting period of time, it's clear why she is frustrated and it's physically hard on her. You'll need to figure out ways for her to be maximized fulfilled and you as well.

She Comes First

Tue, 02/07/2017 - 16:58
Older Lovers (not verified)

Divide your love making into thirds.

Focus first on foreplay, mutual masturbation, some anal play, anything and everything to her delight, etc.

Then ask her to let you know when she wants to come. Do anything and everything to maximize her pleasure and help her reach her O.

After she has been satisfied, then the two of you can focus on you. Perhaps you need some time for PIV pumping or oral sex, even further masturbation. Just be certain that you don't make her sore or wear her out. Reach your O in a variety of ways.

If, perhaps, you only want to O through an extensive PIV thrusting period of time, it's clear why she is frustrated and it's physically hard on her. You'll need to figure out ways for her to be maximized fulfilled and you as well.

Thank you for this response.

Sun, 03/19/2017 - 12:20
Anonymous 350227658365926 (not verified)

Thank you for this response. Ive been having this exact problem with my husband and reading this helping me to explain some of what i was having trouble articulating. He believes size is all that matters and puts no effort in understanding how female arousal works.  Then calls a lack of arousal and desire to eventually end something that cannot go anywhere laziness. You hit it all right on the head.[/size]

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