Kiss Her & Then Grab Her by the Pussy

Wed, 10/26/2016 - 07:08
Submitted by Betty Dodson

This is what every red-blooded man would think! Or say! Or maybe do! Come on people, it’s way past time to be puritanical in the age of porn. The grownups are not keeping up with the kids if they really think this statement is so outrageous.

After all, what woman isn’t impressed with fame and fortune? Instead of railing against the sexual double standard and equal pay for equal work, they go after a stupid statement made by a guy who happens to be Donald Trump. It’s what happens to any man who is a celebrity and gets reported on some sex scandal in the news. Then all the repressed Americans can talk about sex via how terrible it is that so-and-so said or did this awful thing. Shades of Bill Clinton getting repeated again? In the meantime they are being titillated in speaking about sex negatively. Goddesses forbid they would do the same thing if they could but of course they are far too repressed, but they can have it as a fantasy.

I’m not condoning this behavior. But how come the woman doesn’t have the right to say “No” and how did she get into the situation in the first place? Any time a man ever asked me out or to come up to his hotel room, I knew it wasn’t just to talk. Women today seem to want it both ways…The freedom to take risks yet to be sexually safe! If you get drunk at a party and pass out, the chances you’ll be taken advantage of sexually are huge. If you go to his room, and you expect to be sexually safe, you are just kidding yourself. The nature of mankind is to be a sexual predator and the nature of womankind is to be as flirtatious as possible but safeguard against sex taking place. She still has the keys to her pussy until she’s unconscious and then it’s a free for all. This is because we still support a sexual double standard that says men will have sex as often as possible and a woman will only have sex if she’s in love. This keeps women at a serious disadvantage because in order to find Mr. Right, she has to keep going out on dates and be as attractive as is possible including short skirts and very high heels.

Listen I’ll be the first to admit if Donald walked into my place right now, as much as I dislike his politics and what he represents, I’d still be impressed. He’s super rich (not in cash) but in his lifestyle and he’s running for president for god sake. I’m sure if he had the desire to grab my pussy now that I’m old, I’d just grab his package and then negotiate what comes next. When I was young and still gorgeous and a victim of the sexual double standard, I’d just worm out it and make a joke of it, then change the subject fast. That’s what my own Mother did when she was young and pretty. We even talked about it when I lived at home. Now that I’m a sex educator, all my clients have one thing in common: They all say that sex was never discussed in their homes. That means their parents were sending their girls into the battle between the sexes without boot camp or any weapons.

I’m blaming the rape culture on parents who are too chicken shit to bring up sex and talk to their kids, both girls and boys. That’s right, the Moms and Dads who didn’t have the courage to bring up sex and share information with their own children because they feel too uncomfortable talking about sex when it isn’t working for them either. Nine times out of ten, the parents are religious and sex was never discussed in their homes.

Now go blame Trump for acting the way most men do and would if they could get away with it. I say blame our sexually repressed society for creating a Donald.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Really?

Thu, 10/27/2016 - 10:20

The whole American election is beyond understanding for most of us outside of the goldfish bowl. But Trump makes no sense and this post is perilously close to an apology for predatory behaviour that none of us want to deal with us in our everyday life.

Does every red-blooded man think this Betty? Seriously? Do men go to work, look at a co-worker and just think "where's the tic-tacs, I'm going to grab me some kisses and a pussy?" presumably before moving on to completing that spreadsheet for their boss.

Does every red-blooded man look at 12 year old girls moving up an escalator and think "How long do I have to wait before I can grab some of that?" 

Because the part of this that makes me uneasy, is not that a grown-man hits upon a grown woman in a bar or other setting where hook-ups are on the cards. The part that makes me uneasy, is the idea that he is constantly on the pick-up, his entitlement, his assumption that all women and young girls whatever the circumstances should be flattered by his attention, that in his mind they have neither right nor agency to say "no" and that when they do say "no" he refuses to take their refusal with any grace whatsoever.

There are many positive reasons for choosing who to vote for, and a few that rule out a candidate entirely. I could not trust this man in a room alone with my 16 year old daughter. Who could vote for that?

Trump and women

Thu, 10/27/2016 - 10:35
lsjb (not verified)

Trump is not the man who should be President specifically because he represents the lowest of our most primitive instincts.  And, he brags about it.  Please do not separate the issue from the context.
If most of us allowed our inner voices to tumble outside our mouths, we would be shocked to hear the unedited versions.  However, we don't let it tumble out, we do censor it, we do have a moral center, a civilized core.
Perhaps it is this  very assumption that till allows women to bypass their gut sense and go to a hotel room for "a night  cap." The things that Trump says are indicative of a diabolical sense of entitlement and arrogance.
That is not a President.  That is a jerk.
Politicians are never perfect but some are competent, brain rich and can lead where many of us prefer to follow.
I respect your right to say this Betty but I can't fathom  your timing.

English woman, here is my Dutch reaction to your comment:

Thu, 10/27/2016 - 14:48
Mrs Magenta (not verified)

At 16 one has a mind already of her and his own. A 16-year old is not under 12 anymore and consequently is able to think for her and himself.

Lady, your daughter is going to make up her OWN mind if she wants to be in a room alone with a man. Not you. You should be able to trust yourself i.e. your daughter. She is not yours, she came through you. She is her own. If, you assisted her from baby stage onwards with practical advice, with self-defence lessons from five year old onwards as Krav Maga does, with the freedom to let her think for herself, with values on many levels, she is equiped for life.

35 Years ago at 16 I had already at 12 lived abroad by myself during the summers in order to learn a language, and I had made up my mind that no one was ever going to touch me without my consent. I had only my mental powers for that, self-defence I was not taught.

A teacher at my Dutch public (i.e. private) school used to hit many of 13-14-year olds in my classroom,which in those times was not prohibited by Dutch law yet. but he never dared(?) to lay a hand on me. I wondered about that at the time. Now I conclude that it was because that was what I sent out to him energetically.
Unfortunately, at home I was beaten and called names. But in that classroom of his I was in command and I had decided that if that taller man would hit me, I would hit back. Hard. 

Recently I followed a course for women only, in Krav Maga also with many in their 10's, 20's, 30's. In only three months this self-defence practice empowered every of the 28 women. You learn among others to evaluate a situation, learn how men think sex/woman in general, you learn effective knock out techniques in order that you can escape, you learn to use mental, psychological, material tricks, and, most importantly you verbally warn a potential attacker three times and when he or she persists you strike out in order to eliminate him. Hard. Note: you do not end up in jail when you know when you have to stop your action of self-defence.

Those are the (self-defence) tools with with your daughter is able be in a room alone with a man when she decide herself so or if that situation occurs.
She is her own woman and not dependable on her mother, but can rely on herself for the rest of her life.
Do not project your own fears and opinions onto the human being who was created through you. All this I say with well intent.

thought I made myself clear but.....

Betty Dodson's picture
Thu, 10/27/2016 - 16:57

 Let me tell you what my point was......

I was blaming the rape culture on parents who are too chicken shit to bring up sex and talk to their kids, both girls and boys. That’s right, the Moms and Dads who didn’t have the courage to bring up sex and share information with their own children because they feel too uncomfortable talking about sex when it isn’t working for them either. Nine times out of ten, the parents are religious and sex was never discussed in their homes. Now go blame Trump for acting the way most men would if they could get away with it. I say blame our sexually repressed society for creating a Donald. We have a double standard for sex and money when it comes to girls and women.

To NLondonHousewife I say, you know me better than to think I condone this behaviour. Just recently you posted some concerns you had about your girls going out and about with all the predetory men running loose. 'And lsjb maybe my timing was bad because I gave the Donald an excuse to be crude, but you also know me bettier than that too. I was using his bad behaviour as example of what we as women complain about men acting out their sexual fantasies and saying shit that they seldom have the courage to act on. If they are rich and famous, they have a better chance of getting away with it.  Finally, Magenta speaks from an empowered woman's position BUT she wouldnt mind finding a nice guy now and I hope she does. But she said "NO" for too long until it became a habit.

We must teach our girls to say "No" when it is appropiate and to say "Yes" as well. But when it comes to sex, we get in the habit of saying No and are never given pernission to say Yes to sex without being in love......whatever that word means. That's the sexual double standard. We need a single standard for sex and when women make equal pay, she will be able to say her no to a rich dude because she makes her own money. And she'll be able to say yes to sex in the moment because she's horny too. That's my theory anyway.

social regulation is contextual

Fri, 10/28/2016 - 10:23
???? feminist indignation ???? (not verified)

It took me several times reading this post to guess at the possible meaning. So it was wonderful to hear the London Housewife reflect she heard and what came up for her. So it was equally wonderful to see Betty attempt for a second time to be heard and understood the way she wanted to be. I’m still a little in the dark as to what Betty wants us to know.

As Betty’s neighbor Trump is a rather controversial figure in the US and perhaps non-understandable to the English perhaps if we left Trump out of the analogy it would be easier to get Betty’s meaning.

The way I am hearing this is Betty envisions a world where people can express their sexuality freely and equally. That a woman should be able to ask for sex just as a man can now in western culture without any social implications of being a fallen immoral woman. But with that comes the reciprocal responsibility not to criticize men when they ask for sex. That’s what all the stuff about “I’d just grab his package and then negotiate what comes next.” was about.

So I’m guessing that she blames parents of this culture for not being able to teach their children about self and social regulation. Betty is right we are taught regulation. Sexual regulation is really not any different form any other kind.

What I hear the North London Housewife wondering is in what context should these conversations about having sex take place - on the escalator at Trump tower with a twelve year old, at work or on the subway. I sort of hear Betty like perhaps Housewife did that every encounter is like one at a sex party. I’d guess that was not her intended meaning. But knowing how and when to have conversations about sex (or anything else) is part of learned self and social regulation for young and old, girl and boy.

As Housewife seems to points out learned violence begets violence no mater if that which is begotten is cultural violence or violence in self defense as Mrs. Magenta’s Dutch reaction points out. The question being asked more subtlety here is how to teach that social regulation is contextual. How do we teach non-violent interaction (self and social regulation) so protective force (violence in self defense) is les likely to be needed? Or do we want a culture where everyone is armed because no one can self regulate?

On the subject of regulation, Trump has demonstrated contempt for it - both in his own actions and as a matter of public policy. The London Housewife asks a legitimate question. Why would the majority of Republicans nominate and stand by a man who as Housewife said “I could not trust this man in a room alone with my 16 year old daughter. Who could vote for that?” The answer is the majority of Republicans agree with his right wing racist, made up crises agenda. This should be troubling if not to Republicans, but most unquestionably to Europeans because even though they are mostly too young to have seen first hand where this can lead they are still more aware than U.S. Citizens.

The cross burning https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross_burning rhetoric of Trump should be called out for what it is. Many laugh at him as a buffoon, he is not. Very important people support his violence or lack of self and social regulation. They either 1) agree with him or 2) disagree but avoid the social responsibility to regulate anti social behavior because it benefits them personally. Neither are by-standers both are active participants.

wow...I normally agree with

Fri, 10/28/2016 - 10:44
Violette (not verified)

wow...I normally agree with your views but this post is a piece of trash. The difference is consent. This man doesn't care if someone wants it, he will just assault you. This post is victim-blaming and all together disgusting. Sorry but not all men fantasize about violating women. "The grownups are not keeping up with the kids if they really think this statement is so outrageous.". Being one of the kids, I can assure you that your views are really antiquated. It's like hearing my grandmother talk. I'll not be visiting this website again. Such a disappointment.

Betty Ann, You were crystal clear.

Fri, 10/28/2016 - 17:04
Mrs. Magenta (not verified)

Betty Ann dearest woman,

I got your point in your blog, it was crystal clear to me.

And I knew you would have the insight, as I have got the awareness, about my reserve, and my reserve towards men. You are correct, it became a habit, and then life passes you by, unlived. But (*I am smiling*).

Thanks to you I became really empowered as a woman by the grace of your open viewpoints, teachings, and what you gifted me. These set the standard for what I want. Have wanted.

With my resolve that I do not want men who propositioned me who have got all or some of the following in my view spoilers: 
are two heads shorter than I am, non-descriptive, who have not the decency to pay my drink or dinner and rest seated when I arrive or leave (to me that is indicative of how he probably will behave in the bedroom), who ignore my request to see their recent Sexual Transmitted Infections (STI) laboratory test results (which costs in NL Euro 200,-- when one is not additionally insured, and which nobody really requests as it is "custom" in the USA i.e. NYC. A preservative is considered sufficient here in NL, in West- Europe. And I know that Euro 200,-- is a lot for a couple of romps for me too), and this is to me a real spoiler: who are older than I am.
The men I want, do not want me or were not available (and the forth and last has procreated his first fruit of his loins).

All or some of these in contra, and I will say YES. Betty. Ha, ha, ha. Love you.

Projection

Sat, 10/29/2016 - 04:18

Do not project your own fears and opinions onto the human being who was created through you. All this I say with well intent.

Would you have prefered it, if my comment had ended with "I would not trust this man in a room alone with my 60 year old mother" because that would also be true. To take a comment made about a sexual predator, a man who clearly struggles with women (of all ages) who say "no" and turn it into a critique of mothering skills, is a bit weird, however well-intentioned.

But to address your comments: a 16 year old may well be independently minded and able to think for themselves. This is not the issue. 16 year old boys or girls should not have to deal with this kind of shit from predatory old men. No one should have to deal with this nonsense, whatever their age when they're just going about their everyday lives. No means no. Accept the rebuff and get on with life. 

I am truly sorry that you grew up in an abusive family environment and I'm glad that you find your krav magna skills empowering. Families should be supportive, and look out for each other, lift each other up rather than denigrate, protect and nurture each other. & it is part of human nature to worry about the people we love. My girls worry about me, just as I worry about them sometimes. Caring about family is not a weakness; it's not a bad thing.

My daughters are strong capable young women, who care for me much as I care for them - we love each other, worry about each other, celebrate the successes, help pick each other up from the disasters and generally have a great time.

I'm very sorry that you didn't have that.

timing

Sat, 10/29/2016 - 04:52

Betty,

You are right - I do know better than to believe that you condone the behaviour of sexual predators, of which Trump seems to be a pretty classic example and maybe it is just a case of bad timing all round.

As you know, my girls have been brought up to be comfortable talking about sex. They expect to make their own choices, their own decisions.They expect to say both "yes" and "no" when they find it appropriate, for sex, love and whatever else comes along in life. 

It cannot be too much to expect, that grown men be able to take "no" for an answer and not whine about it, belittle and bitch about women who have said "no". The men in my life do not behave like Trump so I find it difficult to imagine he is acting "as every man would if they could". Whilst it's possible that I've just been lucky in my life and my choices, at the risk of that tired cliche "not all men" are self-serving entitled bastards when it comes to sex, nor do they want to be.

A single standard for sex should involve a qualitative as well as quantitative standard. Men and women have the right to say yes or no. Surely men and women have the responsibility to take whatever answer they get with grace and decent manners 

Interesting Times

Wed, 11/09/2016 - 07:33

Well, I have never really understood how much America really dislikes women, to choose to represent itself with a self-confessed sex-pest, essentially choosing a well-connected carrot rather the flawed but perfectly competent woman.

I really thought that we'd won the award for suicidal politics with brexit in the UK but the year just gets better and better.

Looking forward to seeing that wall built, Clinton locked up, Muslims banned from entering the country (no visits for the London mayor to NY I guess) a resurgent KKK, a turnaround to the US Supreme Court, more abortion restrictions, trade agreements torn up, the withdrawel  of the US from NATO...

Even if it was all bloat and bluster, he's made a lot of unsavoury promises to a lot of people who are now feeling empowered.  We are living through interesting times.

May Some Higher Power Have Mercy on Our Souls

Betty Dodson's picture
Wed, 11/09/2016 - 12:08

You have just summed up many of our woes London House Wife. At the least, the next four years will be interesting. But I doubt all of the above will come to pass.

"But I doubt all of the above

Wed, 11/09/2016 - 13:13
Deera (not verified)

"But I doubt all of the above will come to pass." I hope you're correct Betty. But we all need to be vigilant. Trump will take care of big business and he will leave social issues to the ultra conservative Republican-controlled congress. These congressmen and their constituents want to roll back the clock to the lynching and burning days. I could see state-wide stop and frisk programs being implemented as well as oppressive measures taken against women and dark-skinned people for actions which are deemed by authorities to be "out-of-line."
Trump has some real problems that he must deal with which will not go away by just waving a finger or going all orange in the face. The faulty financial system is about ready to blow at any minute and the earth is tappped out. Even The Donald can't create infinite resources on a finite planet, but that is a subject for another blog.

Disrespect for consent

Thu, 11/10/2016 - 13:23

What offends me most about that statement is his utter disrespect for the concept of consent. The ONLY time it could possibly be appropriate to "grab her by the pussy" is if she has just said clearly, verbally, and explicitly, "Grab me by the pussy." And that's not what he was talking about.

Shame on you!

Wed, 11/16/2016 - 12:54
Anon90 (not verified)

Betty, I have read your website since I was a teenager. You taught me that girls masturbate too and encouraged me to incorporate vibrators and penetration into my solo sex life. I'm now 26 and I've been saving up to be able to attend a bodysex workshop; I finally had enough money and planned to try to get into one of the spring workshops, but because of this victim blaming post, as a survivor of sexual assault, I no longer feel comfortable attending a workshop. I can no longer look to you or your website for guidance. This is not about repression. No matter what a woman does, she should not expect to be sexually assaulted, EVER! Do most men want to touch attractive women when they see them? Yes, however, most men aren't sociopathic sexual predators, so they don't. No matter what, touching a woman without consent is unacceptable. A woman can like sex as much as she wants, but if she is touched without giving consent, that's assault. It seems to me like YOU have allowed rape culture to alter the way you think about sexual assault, that paragraph about "knowing what to expect" when you invite a man over is distributing and offensive. How dare you call yourself a feminist. I used to look up to you and you honestly helped me open up and enjoy orgasms, but after this, I am deeply hurt and offended. Did you ever think that some of us are repressed because we were raped? Women SHOULD be able to have it both ways. We should be able to act however we want and not get raped. I know this is not exactly a coherent response, but your post has made me feel so awful about myself that I don't even know what to say. You seem to have some type of antipathy towards sexual assault survivors, why is that? I'm sorry if we interfere with your message in some way, but my body is not just available for any man who wants to grab it. Again, shame on you, you are NOT a feminist and I hope that the younger women reading this post know that it is wrong.

Agreed, she's basically just

Wed, 11/23/2016 - 22:23
Anon90 (not verified)

Agreed, she's basically just saying that men are entitled to women's bodies and that if women would just loosen up and want sex more then it wouldn't be rape. Trash, is the right word. There are plenty of sex positive feminists out there who support victims of sexual assault rather than blaming them. If you look into the archives, this isn't the first time she shames victims of sexual assault.

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