Thrusting Becomes Painful During Sex

Mon, 08/01/2016 - 15:42
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hello Betty! Your work is amazing and a wonderful contribution to people everywhere.

MY PROBLEM: Perhaps you have some insight. Sex seems great until my husband of five years starts thrusting. I feel a mixture of pleasure, but then soon, a growing tearing/burning pain often cuts the sex short.

MY HISTORY: may be relevant to my issue. Since I was a child and before I even knew what I was doing, I have been masturbating. At age 15, my first time having intercourse was rape. At age 16, I started therapy and medications for depression and anxiety. Of course, I still loved to masturbate (pillow between the legs on my stomach). At age 19, I met my husband and for the first few years we lived abroad, AND we had sex like rabbits, fast and often and I loved it (though I never actually orgasmed completely during intercourse.)

Then we had to be apart for 8 months across seas. We jumped into bed as soon as flew back, but suddenly I had pain. I started dealing with my sexual assault through therapy, but the pain persisted. After doing research and a doctor exam, I was then diagnosed with vulvar vestibulitis, though I think now it has lessened to only vaginismus.

WHAT I TRIED: I was told to stop having sex for two months and use lots of lubricant. Sadly, after two months, the pain was even worse! I saw a physical therapist about it for a few sessions, and they told me my PC muscles were very tight (too tight!).

I've tried getting off certain medications, lubricants, different positions, different toys, different lengths and types of foreplay. Honestly, the only time I don't feel this pain is when I have sex straight from waking up or I've consumed alcohol or marijuana.

Obviously, I think it's a mixture of sexual trauma, my anxiety, and perhaps a lack of a long foreplay sessions, BUT then why does it feel good too? When he's inside me, it's perfectly fine! But when he starts moving in and out, the burning starts and increases along with the pleasure. Obviously, it's not good to have sex with pain, so when the pain becomes more than the pleasure, we stop.

Please, any suggestions or insight? Thank you for reading this!

Dear M,

The problem when intercourse becomes painful is the next time you have sex, it's only natural to become somewhat guarded (tense) expecting it to hurt again. This can become a self fulfilling prophecy. Another possibility is your hormone levels. Also what kind of lubricant are you using? After reading labels, I've settled for 100% pure Almond oil. It's thickness really helps. The most popular Astroglide is one of the worst. Also avoid water based lubes with all the added chemicals.

The exercise for tight PC muscles is doing "Squats". Just like women squatting at the rivers edge washing clothes. More complete description is on our website. I also approve of all the pelvic floor practitioners. However, beware of medical doctors diagnosis and the meds they proscribe.

I believe we are our own best doctors. Listen to what you said...."the only time I don't feel this pain is when I have sex straight from waking up or I've consumed alcohol or marijuana. Obviously, I think it's a mixture of sexual trauma, my anxiety, and perhaps a lack of a long foreplay sessions."

Bingo! Problem solved. So marijuana is your best medicine. Having an orgasm from masturbating before penis/vagina intercourse takes place works for all of us. Not only is "foreplay" inadequate but it rarely lasts long enough. So take care of yourself FIRST..

All of your youthful masturbation was positive except it didn't develop into actually touching your clitoris directly. Never too late to start. Also consider adding a quality electric vibrator to your bag of tricks. A good beginning vibe is the Eroscillator. More advanced is the Magic Wand rechargeable. Clearly marijuana is our best aphrodisiac, so if you can't get to a dispensary for medical marijuana just score it from your local dealer. Pot is my primary med as I avoid nearly everything Big Pharma pushes, especially antidepressants! Every woman the world over has been raped by our culture based on all organized religions. And every orgasm we enjoy is how we can change this. Let your healing begin.......

Dr.Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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! Practice Connection ! Vs. Thrusting Becomes Painful During Sex

Wed, 08/03/2016 - 17:17
?? feminist indignation ?? (not verified)

Dear M,

In reading your note to Betty, I am experiencing a lot of tension within my own body. I’m guessing I am feeling your tension as if it were mine. One has to be careful as part of my feeling your pain is felt through the filter of my own experience. Why our sex organs do what they do is often a mystery and only a problem if couples judge themselves based on some arbitrary performance criteria.

Like Betty I took special note that when you are relaxed or under the influence this problem of vulvar vestibulitis seems not to be acute. More interesting is the pain seems to have started after longing for each other during an 8 mouth separation! Unbeknown to us, our neurologic responses change millisecond by millisecond. It is no surprise that people’s relationships change overtime just as our bodies change in relation to experience and aging.

Therefore it is not at all surprising I sense such great tension in your note to Betty. It is really anyone’s guess what causes the pain it could be left over hypersensitivity to the effects of a past infection or a latent one. Something subtle like bleach, laundry detergent or fabric softener could be the culprit. Or that your body has just changed and needs a different lubricant.

However finding peace within your self while being “inside each other” may go a long way toward rejuvenating the pleasures of thrusting. In this sense “peace” is different than arbitrary performance criteria “… we had sex like rabbits, fast….”

It is not just peace within yourself it is his finding peace within his self too. So go slowly taking your time to feel yourselves go inside each other. It may take 10-40 minutes to get fully inside each other, don’t worry, take the stress off; just hang out and talk about the weather, snuggle or kiss makes no difference. Let your bodies and genitals adjust. Don’t bother with orgasm or climax. Do this for a period of weeks or months practice for years so your neurology relaxes your vaginal tension, PC muscle etc. This allows him to relax too and develop a feeling within his penis that far surpasses that of rabbit trusting. It opens your bodies to all manor of intercourse.

The key for both of you is too remove both of yours tension or also know as “elevated physiology” which may be the root of the pain. Stay out of the way of and give your neurologic systems the opportunity learn how to regulate your function for pleasure. Take time as you go and are inside each other to allow your bodies to find themselves and each other. When they do, don’t go back to judging yourselves. Caring for each other emotionally is far more demanding and really different from sex but like sex takes learning how to do it - how to reduce the pain of life’s separations (read 8 months overseas).

James Coan’s studies https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UMHUPPQ96c suggest that pain no matter what the cause physical or emotional is effectively lessoned by more secure attachment. So how we experience ourselves may have a lot to do with how securely connected we are.

Oh by the way it is impossible to maintain social bonds unless you work at it. Secure attachment means we can deal with what life throws at us more easily together. A lot or modern business management and couples therapy makes secure attachment more difficult. Working on your bond will go a long way to securing a pleasurable fit of your genitals. Check out a works of Marshall B. Rosenberg https://www.cnvc.org/about/marshall-rosenberg.html and Susan M. Johnson http://www.drsuejohnson.com/ ; “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” and “Love Sense” respectively.

Indecently Sue’s work with PTSD and traumatized people suggests secure attachment has long lasting therapeutic results relative to other therapies. Our neurologic systems are hard wired to depend on each other; fancy drugs and alcohol really are not a substitute.

M. here is to you enjoying “The Practice of Connection” with your husband!

Oh So Normal “thrusting becomes painful during sex” ET All

Wed, 08/10/2016 - 12:28
?? feminist indignation ?? (not verified)

Dear Readers,

In rereading what I wrote an in the absence of other comments I can see how readers might think that I find fault with this couple or seek to blame or fix something wrong about them. Very much the contrary, I see them as “Oooh Sooo Noooormal”.

Defining sex responses as static, precludes couples form understanding how normal it is for our bodies and neurologic systems to change as we age and as we experience the world. Defining people as “independent of each other”, blinds our way of thinking the how tremendous an impact we have on other people millisecond by millisecond. This is amplified the more attached people are. Couples have no idea how their mammalian brains are hard wired to be emotionally dependent on each other. People are totally unaware all that is going on between them below the level of perception or consciousness. But loose connection and the mammalian brain goes into danger mode before the couple knows what happened.

“M” did not ask a question about the emotional balancing of being in community or being in love. She was concerned solely with her tight pussy, which with Betty’s help is now before the community without all the corresponding jokes, thank god. Yet how I heard “M” and how I responded was not so much about vulvar vestibulitis as it was about how to be with one's self and others. Sex organs and orgasms are always giving their owners and their partners problems. That is “Oooh Sooo Noooormal” In this blog we have to look no farther than Carlin and her husband who had similar experiences which coincided with the joyous birth of their first child.

So it is not that sex changes pop-up in our lives. It is how “we are” as people and people together that allows emotional balance. If we have better emotional balance it is more likely we can understand and deal with all the conflicts and obstacles that detract from better connection.

The daily obstacles of life can not be avoided. Conflicts of every sort are “Oooh Sooo Noooormal”.

Readers what I wanted this couple to know is they are “Oooh Sooo Noooormal”. Yes, it is normal as Carlin has written about for one’s life and body to change; as one’s relationships and their bodies are stressed. What is different 2016, is with our newer understanding of neurobiology, love and connection we can understand and systematically teach each other how to respond to our seemingly uncooperative beings in ways that bring us closer not father apart.

So my suggested reading and engagement of genitals was not because I found anything wrong with them. It was because in my own experience; they are, we are, I am, your are, “Oooh Sooo Noooormal”.

The readings grant knowledge about one’s self, and the impact we have on our partners and others in community. If through the reading we can learn that; we can then join with others to learn how to better use our neurology to bring us more cooperatively together.

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