How Do I Explain My Sexual Preferences to My Partners?

Thu, 08/11/2016 - 07:41
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hello Betty,

I am a 29 year-old African American heterosexual male and I came across your videos on you tube a few months ago and first I want to thank you for all you guys and gals do and your great work.

Now about me... I'm currently very frustrated because I'm having difficulty explaining to potential sexual partners that prefer to be more submissive in sexual encounters with women. I grew up in South Texas, where I was taught by my father to be a "Strong Black Man" and any ceding of control to a woman was lack of manhood and it even had signs of being a homosexual. And of course we are deeply conservative and religious as well. I didn't lose my V card until my 21st birthday and I had pretty standard sexually encounters during my last few years in college, but I felt something was missing and sort of suspected women were faking orgasms to make me feel better.

I discovered that I preferred being more submissive when I was 24 and moved to the East Coast to attend medical school and dated a 45 year old woman for around 4 to 5 months. She knew I had a type A personality and found out how hyper-competitive I was during a game of putt-putt golf. LOL. Anyway, she exposed me to BDSM and knew how to take advantage of my desire to be controlling by making me being the submissive partner. She was especially awesome at using edging and it drove me absolutely CRAZY. As a control freak in my normal day to day work, it was one of the most liberating feelings in the world to give and trust somebody else control over you when you at your most vulnerable. Up to that point, those were the most intense and pleasurable orgasms I ever had and she showed me how delay the "reward" for longer.

In addition, I learned that I STRONGLY preferred oral sex, both giving and receiving, instead of "normal" intercourse and that became our main method of sex with others mixed in for variety. She showed me how important it was to make sure your partner was satisfied as well and I learned how sexy, beautiful and amazing seeing a female orgasm was and they made my orgasms much more intense. It was the first time I could be open and honest about sex with somebody else and not being judged for having "different" needs.

She broke up with me because she wanted me to go out have more and different sexual experiences with other women which has been okay but I have run into issues with women I've dated and slept with over the past 5 years. When I explain to potential partners that it drives me wild to be the submissive one in an encounter, I get strange looks from women I've dated. Some have accused me of being weak or soft and one even stopped the relationship. Another one got upset with me because I didn't want to have intercourse even though she gave me most amazing orgasm from oral and I gave her a good one too (she couldn't move :) ).

When I explained this to some of my male friends and fraternity brothers from college, I got accused of being a bitch, a deviant and other things I won't say here. Many of them strongly believed I had to be weird and strange to not want vaginal intercourse often. So I stopped talking about sex with anyone because I became deeply insecure about myself and stopped having sex and dating in the past year because I feel ashamed and afraid to express myself sexually.

I've run through the scenarios and encounters through my head and wondered maybe I'm approaching these conversations wrong and wondered if you had any advice so that I get past this mental block in my sexual life. I wanna get back on the horse and go for it, but I'm scared to death about being judged and potential rejection. And how to break through my own subconscious feelings that I have to be certain way because I'm a black man.

Thanks, all the best, and much love!!

C

P.S. Yes ladies, men get very insecure too!!!!!

Dear C,

There is no reason I can think of for you to be unable to connect with people who are into BDSM. Actually it's become quite fashionable lately, which unfortunately, causes it to lose some of it's edge. Of course most women fantasize a virile man who takes control and fucks them into multiple orgasmic bliss. I give you Shades of Gray, that awful piece of crap that was devoured by women the world over.

So you need to be more discerning about the women you approach. Look for gals who know what they want, are more outgoing and appear to be in charge. Most young girls are longing for Prince Charming to awaken them from sexual repression. Sorry, that's up to them not some dude who has his own problems. Just like the woman who introduced you to SM, perhaps you need to look for more mature women. Or if you are dating college girls, don't go into a submissive posture immediately. They have few ideas of what to do in partner sex so asking them to "take control" would be scary for them. Find a more subtle way to share your desire to be "topped" by a gal.

All of us who have ever been in the scene know that to be a good top you must know how to bottom and the reverse is true. If you can access online dating sites that would also help. When you're with "the boys" don't be so open about your sexual preferences. Most of them are most likely having issues with staying erect during all that fucking they claim to be doing. Meanwhile they haven't been laid in months. Don't lose your sense of humor especially when it comes to sex. And be thankful that you have discovered a sex style that works for you while you strut around campus looking lean and mean. So many women are intrigued by bad boys. So play a role until you find another like-minded gal.

Dr. Betty

PS. We have discovered that men are as or more insecure than women! So we are not surprised.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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I sympathize with this man.

Mon, 08/15/2016 - 16:11
Bill M (not verified)

I sympathize with this man. Unlike him, I am not submissive. But, at 74 with partial ED and lingering effects of prostate cancer, "regular" sex is not as frequent as I and my partner would like. But I LOVE performing oral sex. I will do this as often as possible with no expectation (well maybe sometimes) of her returning the favor. Some may consider this abnormal. I don't care; as long as I can do what I want, I am happy.

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