He's in Pain. We Can't Have Sex. I'm Tortured

Mon, 07/25/2016 - 07:56
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty.

Before I start, I apologise for the length of my message.

I am 42. Married for 20 years and counting. I was diagnosed with Leukeamia at the age of 20. (Still fighting the battle.)

I lost my virginity to my husband who is ten years older than I from the UK. Now I'm not blowing/tooting my horn, but he's a skilled lover and spent the first few years of our marriage teaching me. My 'lessons' as he called them.

Took me a long time to accept sex as a good thing. 'Cause I was raised in the South with fanatical religious southern baptists. And all things sexual including masturbation- you name it- was my one way ticket to hell.

Also coming from a back ground of mental abuse from my stepfather, my poor Michael had his work cut out for him. But eventually he got there in the end.

Now that you know some of my history, maybe you can help me.

My husband was diagnosed with a sever bowel disease back in 2008. Having to deal with extreme pain, our sex life pretty much came to a screeching halt after 2012. As of today, it's been nearly 4 years since we made love or touched one another sexually. It's difficult for us as we've always been open about our love. Sneaking deep kisses when the kids leave the room or outside playing. Touching foreheads and holding hands etc.

We talk about the past alot because my husband nearly died last year and has lost 85% of his memory. It's slowly coming back.

I'm finding I want to make love to him all the time, but I know I can't. Because of his pain. I tried masturbation, but I don't enjoy it. I can't understand why. I've used vibrators, I've watched porn... nothing seems to bring any satisfaction. I feel like I'm loosing my marbles.

If you could give some insight. Perhaps I've asked too much of you. I don't know who to turn to. Friends and family don't understand the bond that we have. We've never been apart except for when we've had to stay in the hospital.

Do you think I'm doomed?

Thank you for listening.

Kind regards,

Dear A,

Well, you have certainly been tested for patience and commitment. From all that you've shared, I would recommend cannabis for both of you. If you don't feel comfortable "scoring" then consider getting medical marijuana that is available in NJ. Soon to be in NYC also. It's the best for pain management and at the other end of the scale for pleasure enhancement. So I say it would serve both of your needs.

As a senior heading for 90 in a couple of years, I have never taken any meds prescribed by a doctor (other than when I had hip replacement and a denture). Pot has been my medicine throughout my long healthy life. Let me know how great it is after you've taken advantage of this healing plant. I have no reservation about recommending marijuana.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Heart & Hopes

Tue, 07/26/2016 - 13:13

Dear A,
My heart and hopes go out to you and the loss of your intimate love life with your partner. Anything I write, is always going to be from a position of limited understanding so my apologies in advance if I seem clumsy or straightforward ignorant. 

Reading your post my first question was how much of a conversation have you had with your partner already and how much of the intimacy between the two of you has been lost?

It might seem impossible to have the discussion with someone who so clearly valued your shared sex life, for fear of hurting them or over-emphasizing your shared loss, but I imagine that he's also feeling the loss of intimacy in your relationship. Maybe it would be useful to ask him whether he's had any thoughts or ideas, whether he would like to help you maybe "teach" you to follow through with the "lessons" from earlier in your lives but this time with your masturbation technique. 

Shared masturbation, or maybe if that isn't at all possible, just observed masturbation as a shared endeavour, may be a way for the two of you to start to move forwards.

Wishing you only the best.

“He's in Pain.. I'm Tortured” - Honor others with our Presence

Wed, 07/27/2016 - 09:42
??? feminist indignation ??? (not verified)

As the NLHW so eloquently points out it is impossible to know if we hear “Dear A” the way “Dear A” intended. It is always a guess to reflect back to the speaker the way in which we received the meaning of the speaker’s words.

And so maybe very incorrectly I hear, “Dear A” through my lens of age and seeing many close relationships drawn apart by sickness and dementia. So in “Dear A” words I hear a morning for a loss of a spouse even though he is very much alive. This loss; this morning manifests it’s self in so many different ways and each one is a special kind of loss; a special kind of remembrance; a special pain within herself to see the suffering within someone whose connection to her is so much a part of her own personhood.

So I don’t hear a crazy woman “I feel like I'm loosing my marbles.”
I hear a solid, wonderful person who is the bedrock of her family and therefore community. I hear the terror of loosing so much of what is so special to her.

When loss occurs, communities can gather around the ones who are in pain. Oddly the location that pain is experienced in the brain is the same for physical and emotional pain. So as community when we gather around this couple we tend to sooth both the physical pain of the husband and the emotional pain of the wife. As community we hear them; we see them; hold them; in our presence even when stoping the natual progestion of life to death is imposible. No one can fix their losses.

Readers please recognize this is just a guess that perhaps when “Dear A” holds a vibrator on her self it may bring orgasm but it is not the same of feeling the one she has lost to her husband’s illness. Is what she in morning is the loss of experiencing his orgasm not the loss of her sexuality? This kind of loss for a spouse is experienced so many different ways so many times a day it is hard for us in community be begin to understand. That intense pain invades so many aspects of a lover’s life most people take for granted. Our job as community is to gather around and honor the pain within this couple. Grant them support when the reach for us and reach for them with support even if no one can change the natural course of nature.

Honor others with our presence.

Be your best lover

Thu, 07/28/2016 - 06:48
bila kolbe

Dear A, Your wonderful letter coincides with Betty and Carlin's video post this week with the caption: "We can't be good lovers unless we're the best lover for ourselves". Unfortunately, religious dogma, societal taboos, and misconceptions have blocked many from realizing the above fundamental concept. Masturbation IS our birthright; our own wellspring of self-love; an exercise of self-intimacy contributing to our physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. Masturbation becomes a path of liberation leading to a deeper, more conscious experience of life. Dear A, reflect upon your beliefs about masturbation. Chances are that you have some that are limiting your openness and comfort regarding this natural and enjoyable exercise. Try suspending those limiting beliefs, find a quiet place, spread some nice aromas in the air and on your body, and be your best lover. Embrace yourself, allow youself to uninhibitedly experience ecstasy. The inner orgasm, your eroticism, is with you as you feel the beauty of who you are.