I just read several question from women in their teens to fifty and beyond searching for their first orgasm. This sexual suffering seems never ending and it breaks my heart. Something totally natural has been perverted by religions in male dominated cultures. This is when wives and mothers are turned into a sexual police force controlling their daughters to be virgins until they're married. Patriarchy could never survive without a matriarchy to keep it in place.
With an absence of decent sex information or education women begin to suspect something is wrong with their genitals. Perhaps a part is missing, or there is something wrong with their clitoris. Even after they’ve “had sex” they still haven’t had an “orgasm” which is not likely to happen with penis/vagina sex. However, that’s the procreation model that’s most often preferred by men. It’s what I refer to as the “Male Model of Sexual Response” that doesn’t work for most women. Since the clitoris is a woman’s primary organ for pleasure, I recommend vaginal penetration with clitoral stimulation at the same time. And it's always best for the owner of the clitoris do the stimulating as she knows what works best.
With orgasm there is resolution. Otherwise, an untold number of women are left with the discomfort of an engorged sex organ along with pelvic congestion that takes hours for the blood to drain before everything returns to normal. When I imagine what that feels like, I suspect it’s similar to a person suffering from constipation. It's also similar to what guys call "blue balls" when they get turned on without an ejaculation.
For girls and women searching for their first orgasm, many end up speculating what might be wrong with their vulvas. Few have bothered to look at their sex organ in a free standing mirror with a good light. Far too many hold a small compact mirror with one leg resting on the bathtub with no direct light source. After a failed viewing, their conclusions are bizarre beginning with the clitoris; the hood seems too thick or the entire area appears surrounded by flesh, or the tip doesn’t pop out, or it’s just too damn small no bigger than a pin head!
Here is a prefect example of one young woman’s dilemma. “I'm starting to think my vagina is malformed. First off, I have absolutely no sex drive. I have never been "in the mood." I can feel touch to the outside of the vagina, but I get absolutely nothing out of it. I just cannot seem to feel pleasure. I don't think I've had an orgasm. I mean, I've had to fake it every single time. And I also can barely tell if I've been penetrated or even how deep. If the guy is big, all I feel is a general painful discomfort. I've been looking at diagrams of a normal vagina and mine just doesn't seem normal. I don't even think I have a clit. I have this large bit of flesh that usually hangs on the inside of the left "lip" about an inch when not stretched out. It's brownish at the edges and often cold to the touch. To the right, a smaller bit of flesh about a centimeter and a half. In-between those two folds, unlike pictured in diagrams, is my urethra. It's sensitive to touch, but it doesn't give me any pleasure.
Then, at the bottom is the vaginal opening. Normally, the clit is depicted up top, the urethra in the middle, and the opening at the bottom. But I don't see where the clit is? It's just all wrong. It’s extremely frustrating. But I apparently do get "wet". Also my nipples are basically numb too. I don't get pleasure from them. And generally can't feel them being touched unless they're pinched really hard. And then it just hurts. It would really be a comfort to get an explanation, and advice on what I could do to finally feel pleasure."
This from a sexually frustrated 20 yr old: “I am worried that I don’t have a clit or g spot. I have been sexually active for almost 4 years and have never come close to an orgasm. I barely feel anything at all. I have a massive sex drive and I get turned on easily, so what’s wrong with me?”
These are just two examples but I get hundreds of questions like this all the time. Inside the website we have a list of my essays that deal with the basic problems such as the two above. My questioners rarely search inside and instead go directly to “Ask Dr Betty.”
OK. LISTEN UP!
Your first problem is the inhibition of childhood masturbation. If none of us never received any negative messages about exploring our perfect sex organs by self-touching as infants, toddlers into early childhood and throughout our teens and beyond, none of these questions would exist. Very few families offer any privacy for children let alone teens to explore their sex organs. Plus most of us grow up with all kinds of negative messages about sex that's been drenched in ether romantic mush or hardcore porn.
Your healing process begins with the regular practice of masturbation. This is not an overnight fix. To give birth to your orgasms from the negative filth of sexual repression you’ve grown up with will take time, patience and dedication. Are you still with me?
Okay! Now tune into a beginners mind. Each of you must get rid of all expectations, ideas and definitions of SEX and ORGASM and PLEASURE. At this stage of sexual development keeping an OPEN MIND is essential. It is the only way to explore your sexuality. This will require the difficult process of “UNLEARNING” which adds a challenge we can meet if you want to experience pleasurable sex, first alone and then with a partner(s).
Imagine you are a ballet dancer working out at the bar in front of a mirror to learn the basic positions. Or you are the artist drawing from a nude model with a stick of charcoal. The results of either effort are not works of art nor will they necessarily result in orgasm. If a practice session feels good all the better, but this is not about results. This is about gradually training your body to respond to pleasant physical sensations while you massage your genitals without any demand for a specific response.
Simply Observe! Experiment! Feel! Enjoy! Practice! Practice! Practice!
www.dodsonandross.com has a wealth of information. The left hand column on our front page lists topics that are available. A large part of our sex information and education is free but it’s up to you to practice sex with yourself first and then share what you’ve learned with a lover or your friends with benefits.