Hello Dr Betty,
I found your website a little while ago and it's been such a relief to be able to read through so many informational posts and not feel abnormal anymore.
I'm 33 years old and until very recently I'd never had an orgasm in my life.
I have very little sexual experience (three partners, years apart, and the first was just a one-off to whom I lost my virginity) and although I love the idea of sex I've never felt the urge to masturbate, nor did it feel pleasurable when I started trying, in my early 20s. And I did try. I've never been able to fantasize in my head but watching porn or reading an erotic text sometimes made me wet after a while. But even in that state, I would never feel any pleasure from touching my clitoris or around it (and I never felt any pleasure during sex either). I didn't feel any pain either. I just didn't feel anything other than the touch of my fingers and always ended up stopping, bored and disappointed by the whole thing. I'd stay months, perhaps even years at times, without doing anything and then when I felt too abnormal I'd try again and the same wet/touching/nothing cycle played out.
I'd finally given up, believing that there was something wrong with me, that my clitoris was maybe "dead". I'm a horsewoman and thought that maybe my clit had become sort of numb due to the fact that it's often kind of pressed to the seat of the saddle.
Then last year I bought a Hitachi Magic Wand after doing a lot of research on the net. The first time I tried it, I thought I would fly away, the sensations were so intense. I didn't have an orgasm, I know that now. But I was so blown away by the intensity of it all that I cried. So I tried it a couple more times over the following days but could never get the same intense sensations that made my legs all wobbly that first time. In fact, I couldn't feel much of anything at all. After reading the articles on your website, I know now that I went too hard too fast. At the time I didn't know that though so I put the Wand away and only took it out about once a month with no real luck. Or so I thought.
It's only a few weeks ago that I figured out how to use it better (I can't say using it "properly" because I'm still feeling my way around) and that I realized that I had in fact been having a few orgasms without realizing it. Finding that sweet spot, letting it ache so sweetly while my breaths were getting heavier until I reached a peak and then some contractions of my vagina which I could see in the mirror. It was so far from what I was expecting that I didn't recognize it when it happened.
I'm getting better and better at having an orgasm. I'm at the point where I can have at least one every time I try. I've learned to use my PC muscle to get to the edge and I'm currently working on my breathing. But there's still the fact that I don't really get any pleasurable sensations prior to finding that sweet spot (usually next to the right side of the hood). The glands itself doesn't give me any pleasure yet.
But I'm worried. I've read in several of your responses/articles that once a woman has her first orgasms with a Wand, it's almost impossible to masturbate successfully with your hands or with a partner. And being able to do that is something I wish for dearly.
I bought the Wand as a way to "wake" a clitoris that had never known any pleasurable sensations in its life and it has fulfilled its role. I can't tell you how liberated I feel as a woman to know that, yes, I can feel pleasure and have an orgasm.
But my goal was always to know the joy of self pleasure by my own hands and, even better, to feel pleasure with the mouth or hands of a lover.
Is it too late to try and learn now that I've used the Wand (about 20 times in all I'd say)?
I've started your rock'n roll orgasm technique but am having no luck pleasure-wise so far. Touching my clitoris or around it feels just as it has always felt before: neutral and I get bored and frustrated after 15/20 minutes. I love my sex organ and I love watching myself petting it in the mirror but I feel no pleasure from the touching itself. Am I fighting a lost cause or do I need to persevere and get ready for months of practice?
My last relationship fell apart because my partner couldn't bear the fact that he wasn't able to give me any physical pleasure through sexual acts. And using a vibe turned him off completely.
I don't know how my future partners will react to my "problem". I would feel so much more secure and empowered as a woman if I knew how to feel pleasure with the soft touch of a hand or a tongue.
(sorry for writing such a long message!)
Congratulations on discovering you orgasms at 33. However, the minuet you get some real sexual sensations from a vibrator, you then go all Cosmo and romantic junkie on me with a desire to "come" from a lovers touch. Tough Shit Girlfriend!
Get rid of several thousand years of men ruling women via sexual repression and we can talk. Start with getting rid all organized religions that prohibit sex to control the masses. Please get real. Your pattern has been very spasmodic with big patches of giving up. This time I encourage you to let go of your unrealistic goal of coming from a lovers touch. Yes it's possible but HIGHLY improbable.
You can share orgasms with a lover by incorporating a vibrator into partner sex. Get my book Orgasms for Two that goes into details on how great this can work. For now, you need to continue treating your body to some consistent orgasmic energy and explore pleasure with yourself. Any man worth the time of day will accept your preference of using a vibrator! I've been doing it now for years and I repeat. If you have a lover who doesn't like the vibrator, recycle him and keep the vibrator.
Porn is conditioning men to expect screaming orgasms from their penis, tongue or fingers. So now they think they "Give Us an Orgasm!" That's BS. We are each responsible for our own orgasms. They masturbate inside our vaginas and we get to hold a vibe on our clitoris so we can come too. Wake up! Continue to enjoy those newly discovered vibrator orgasms, enjoy your body and embrace a technology that's here to stay.