Boyfriend Can' Feel It When I Perform Oral on Him

Mon, 05/09/2016 - 08:16
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years now. In past relationships I have performed oral sex with success. I love to do it because of the reaction I get while doing it. It turns me on more. With my boyfriend, I have attempted oral sex on him, but he says each time, "I can't feel that". It frustrates me because I know i know what I'm doing, and am trying really hard not to take it personally.

I asked alot of questions trying to figure out why we have this problem. I asked him about any possible past medical procedures he may have had that would cause him not to be able to feel what he obviously should. He made me aware that he experienced kidney stones in the past involving his penis. I asked him to speak to his doctor to see if its possible that his history is the cause.

What do you think? I really, really, really want to be able to do this with him. Can you help?!!! I'm damn near desperate for answers!!

Dear F,

I suggest you figure out why blowing him is so important to you. If it's just a matter of being "in control" getting on top and running the fuck while you do your own clitoris is also being in control and getting what you want at the same time.

However, if you want to explore more blow job techniques, first thing I'd do would be to have him show me how he masturbates. Or have him jerk himself off while you tongue the tip of his cock. Another technique that might work is to do anal penetration while sucking him off (IF he will allow it). Most guys resist this yet they are more than willing to dive into our little butty holes. Finger nails short, lots of lube and plenty of sweet talk might get him to surrender. Just remember to have fun.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Bf can feel, but not enough for arousal build-up to get going.

Tue, 05/10/2016 - 04:29
Lizzie Smith

From your letter, F, may be concluded you both are a bit older, maybe fortyish. Perhaps older.
Actually, often persons who are younger, may find themself in a similar kind of situation you are describing. Oral stimulation is not sufficient, it's not enough to get physical sexual arousal happening. Neither in men, nor in women. 
A lover can have  the best oral skills possible, nevertheless, they cannot compete with years and years of self-stimulation performed by partner themself, in a certain, fixed way. 
'Oral' is an altogether different form of stimulation where the performer is in control, not the other way around. This switch of power may in itself be exciting, but it often disturbs focusing in arousal and orgasm, specially if there are health- and age-related issues present. 
Oral allows the receiving partner to have less pressure, less friction, slower pace and rhrythm. It may feel nice, but there is a long way from nice to arousing towards orgasm.
Sometimes 'nice' can be irritating, if you are prepared to anticipate an arousal to orgasm, and do not know how to tell your well-meaning partner how she could help you to get there.
As you observe how your Bf gets himself off, you may find he is accustomed to using excessive force and pace in order to come.
A guy who is used to come only by iron grip and tempo may be unwilling to reveal his habit. He's only saying to you "I can't feel that", which is literally the truth.
He intuitively realizes he cannot easily adopt a new way of getting off, so he doesn't talk about it. In case he is a smoker, drinker or in otherwise less than pristine health the need of rough, more intense stimulation is even greater as the addictions or medications take their toll from his overall sensitivity.  
From women's experience we know that it is hard, if not nearly impossible, to educate one's body, muscles and nerve-paths to a new, different, method of getting off, if you started with a strong method like a vibrator. This is a recurring theme here in D&R that can be found in the left hand side-bar of the front page. 
In short:
Oral sex gives the penile as well as the clitoral nerve-endings and receptors a substantially less powerful and less adequate form of stimulation compared with what we are used to by giving ourself manual (or vibrator) orgasms.
The best option is to accept this as a fact and include our habitual method of masturbation in some way in the sex play together. 
Getting this accomplished, sometimes you need to stretch the imagination and the concept of intercourse far beyond traditional conventions.
Relaxation excercises, conscious breathing, etc. may help reduce excessive tension and use of force.
Many men find Fleshlight a good method to bring back easiness and more gentle sensations to masturbation. A soft sleeve like Fleshlight is a recommendable substitute for harsh manual.  


Tue, 05/10/2016 - 14:14
Tsk (not verified)

That would be my guess.

Having been in a similar situation where I felt pretty much nothing and she had lots of experience (and no previous duds) I would guess it's a lot to do with his death-grip and loss of sensation from being circumcised.

Break out some almond oil and give him a hand job if you want to play that way.
Though it might be hard on you at the beginning depending on how hard you need to grip. Find out how hard he likes it and then back off some.

Feel free to pop a finger up, it's good fun :)