This past workshop was for women being certified to run their own Bodysex workshops and a lively bunch they were! Our Ritual Masturbation Circle took off and became outrageously hot, even bawdy, bordering on low down and dirty with women expressing immense joy with abandon. Someone pinch me to make sure I’m not dreaming that this actually happened.
Of course, any 87 year old woman who is crazy enough to spend a weekend sitting on the floor getting up and down umpteen times will pay a big price physically and pay I did! With only one day to recoup, I was off to the Big Apple Studios to do a filmed interview for National Geographic on West 28th Street. Just what I needed, I thought— “I’ll walk cross town and work out the kinks.” Wrong! I always forget the length of cross-town blocks so I was ready to pass out from exhaustion by the time I finally arrived.
The make-up artist was a Darling black gay man wearing a big diamond in one ear. He loved my butch dressed down outfit with everyday clothes along with my trusty old sneakers. Of course I wanted to get the works in make-up, but he insisted on keeping me “natural” and “fresh” was his words. I listen to professionals. So a little white haired lady in sneakers was escorted into the studio that was dark and spooky filled with massive equipment handled by an ALL MALE crew and I am the only woman. A dynamic I love! With no matriarchal presence, I am the postmenopausal orgasmic crone Baubo, a Greek goddess who still has a functioning vagina along with her bawdy dirty mouth.
My opening statement was loud and clear: “Look guys, let me say this upfront: Nothing I say that has any meaning will ever be aired. As per usual, this interview will end up on the cutting room floor. Do you remember when The Learning Channel produced Makers? Well the guys in the crew raved that my interview was the best they had ever filmed, but I was not to be heard from. So while you are going to get the real scoop on why you’re not getting laid enough or having mutually orgasmic partner sex out there in the straight world, we might as well cut loose and have some fun.”
I then get the first lame-o question: “Can you tell us what it was like back in the fifties?”
WTF? I suggested he watch MadMen on Netflix which is about drinking martinis, smoking cigarettes with horny admen selling shit while they’re cheating on monogamous wives. Back then, I was a freelance commercial illustrator married to an advertising executive who was a handsome Don Draper type. Unfortunately he was also a premature ejaculator! Since we were monogamous, I remained unfucked with a fabulous apartment on Madison Avenue that I decorated with expensive furniture. The best part about the fifties was how livable NYC was with a much smaller population compared to now. Then I suggested we talk about sex.
Next question: “What do you think about Joyclen Elders?”
I think she said the word “masturbation” out loud and because the press and politicians were present, she instantly became infamous. Meanwhile I’ve been on the frontlines teaching masturbation skills to women for the past 45 years in my workshops.
When he asked, “What happens in these workshops?” I answered with my X rated version. “Ten women get naked, sit in a circle and share how we feel about our bodies and orgasms. Then we view each others pussies under a bright light and give them pet names followed by a masturbation group ritual that’s really an all girls “circle jerk” using the latest electric vibrator. Today that’s the rechargeable Magic Wand vibrator.”
At that point my interviewer said he needed to take a cold shower, to which I commented, “Are you crazy? Don’t waste a perfectly good hardon, go to the john and jerk off. Orgasm energy improves our creativity.” The entire crew is laughing and I know I’ve got them all in the palm of my hand.
I then continue by saying the most relevant information missing is that most women do not orgasm from vaginal intercourse in spite of what you see in porn. Just remember porn stars are getting paid to perform so they give you guys screaming orgasms from being pounded by some dudes big dick. And after every gagging blow job, they fake how much they adore swallowing a load of semen! I’m sorry guys but semen can be some repulsive stuff. Have you ever tasted your own? I didn’t think so.
I ended my porn rant by saying I didn’t want to censor porn but I’d like our D&R website to come up first when a nine year old kid types in SEX. Instead he gets a tutorial by a porn star on how she prepares for anal sex. That’s perfectly good information but not for some kid in grade school. The best information for a child typing SEX would be to explain that masturbation is the foundation for all sexual activity. It’s our first natural sexual act. It’s how we first discover our genitals and the pleasure they can give us.
And when they type in “fucking” we need to explain that a penis ejaculating inside a vagina is procreative sex. So Mother Nature, God, Goddesses, Aliens or whoever created us saw to it that both women and men have a strong desire to fuck which is important for the continuation of our species! However, without some kind of birth control, this can lead to an unwanted pregnancy. Besides, most women do not orgasm from vaginal intercourse!
I’ll confess that “fuck” is one of my favorite words. I use it all the time to express something that’s great, awful or just kind of fucked up! We all know that Nat Geo does not allow four letter words like fuck! Or when was the last time you heard the word “clitoris” on national television? Just remember, you guys are getting some very valuable free sex information from a top ranking sexologist who usually gets paid $300 an hour. That’s actually modest. My former lawyer used to charge $450 an hour. My current business partner Carlin was a lawyer practicing on Wall Street, so how lucky is that?
Towards the end, I was asked if penis size mattered? I said you bet your sweet ass it does. “Wouldn’t you be concerned about the size of a dick that was going to be thrusting in and out of your asshole? Damn right you’d care!”
Forever protecting the male ego, I went on to say that each woman has her own personal preference. Most women are more concerned about the size of a man’s bank account.
“Although I tend to be a size queen, the longest lasting and most orgasmic sex of all my many lovers was packing the average five and a half inch dick that had a slight curve and stayed hard for a long time! Most important his foreskin was intact which is best! I hate to tell you this, but most of you have been genitally mutilated. Rise up to end this barbaric unnecessary surgery! The Victorians performed circumcision to keep boys from masturbating. So that ought to tip you off right there.”
When the interview ended, the entire crew came up to thank me and I got a lot of hugs. When a guy did the A frame hug, I’d pull him in by taking hold of his behind to make full body contact. That’s when I reminded them that I was a product of America’s 60’s sexual revolution where we used to fuck first and talk later.