Hi Dr. Betty,
I am a 49 year old woman who was raised very sexually repressed. I got married very late in life just 4 years ago. I have a very loving relationship with my husband who is almost 20 years my junior (and I don't care what other people think). I have had sexual partners prior to my marriage, but I can't say that I am sexually experienced. The dilemma that I am facing is that I have problems with arousal and orgasm. I don't think I have ever experienced an orgasm, only in my sleep.
I know you are a big proponent of masturbation, which due to my repressive upbringing I have never tried and when a girlfriend suggested it several years ago, I didn't think I liked the idea of touching myself, which now I think is sad that I thought that way.
Now I am open to masturbation but since I don't get aroused I am not sure if it is going to help me. I don't feel any engorgement of my labia or any blood flow to my genitalia. Even fantasizing doesn't turn me on. I know that hormones decline as we age and I have spent a lot of money on bio-identical hormone therapy, which I am now using transdermally. Even applying testosterone topically to my genitalia doesn't do much. I think it is very sad that I am so not familiar with my own body and that I have not experienced what an orgasm feels like. I don't want to dwell on the past and I can't undo what already has happened,but I want to be able to have this experience which is our birthright.
Also, because sex doesn't bring me pleasure, I am not eager to engage in it and I don't want this to affect my great relationship. I waited very long to settle down with somebody I truly love and a healthy sex life plays a huge role in any loving relationship.
I really hope you can help me with both of my major problems, one being menopausal, which is causing my body not to respond to sexual stimulation or sexual fantasy like it used to and secondly, because of that not knowing what brings me pleasure, so I can learn how to climax. I know that I fully need to take responsibility myself and I don't expect my partner to be able to do that for me.
Thank you for the great work you do and I am looking forward to your response.
Thank you so much again,
Just so you know, 49 is VERY young and being post menopausal only means you can now focus on pleasure and leave all the birthing of babies behind in order to give birth to your sexuality. It's also a good time to get over being raised "sexually repressed" as that's standard procedure for most ALL women thanks to the repressed society we have all had to face.
Forget about "feeling any engorgement of my labia or any blood flow to my genitalia." And fantasizing won't turn you on without some kind of first rate clitoral stimulation!
What will work is a Magic Wand vibrator to awaken your sleeping clitoris. They now have a new one that is rechargeable (no cord). I have directions on the best use of the vibrator on our website. The left hand column on the front page has all of our available topics. Take advantage of this free information. You can order one from Amazon or Goodvibrations.com.
As for your husband, have him show you how he prefers his manual and oral sex. Ask him to teach you what he likes while you learn about your own orgasms. Once you can have orgasms with yourself and the vibrator, he can add vaginal penetration during or after you masturbate. All of this must take place with plenty of additional lubrication for both of you. I prefer organic almond oil. Coconut oil also works so does olive oil except we begin to smell like a salad. Any clean organic oil is fine.
Avoid any more Big Pharma and medical crap. I'm happy with a bio-identical hormone cream applied inside my vagina where I need it. There is also an essay about that available from the site.
Just so you know, I am a big proponent of older women younger men. I had a ten year live-in love affair with a man who was forty-some years younger when I was in my seventies. I still recommend you get all of my books to further your sex education. Sex for One and Orgasms for Two and my latest Sexual Memoir. You are about to embark on the best years of your life. Enjoy!