The More I Get Aroused The More I Tighten Up

Wed, 02/17/2016 - 08:59
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

Thank you so much for all you do for sexual education and female emancipation. I am so impressed with the body of work you have created, both in art and sexual health.

I'm a 30-year-old woman with primary vaginismus, and have attempted penetrative sex numerous times, with myself and with a partner, but after trying so many times, it's still a challenge. Of course, I have watched yours and Carlin's video on vaginismus, and have read all the literature I could find on the topic.

I use extra lubrication, both oil and water-based, and have also experimented with an egg shaped vibrator for the past year or so.It used to be that infamous 'brick wall', and now I can fit the egg half way (it's a very small egg, this picture is very close to real size

What bothers me the most, is that, the more aroused I get, the more I tighten up. My whole body relaxes, but the pelvic floor muscles do the exact opposite. How is that possible?

I have no shame or guilt issues, at least none that I am conscious of. A few times while attempting partner sex - and failing - I have burst into tears of rage.

I feel that there is a stigma around vaginismus that women who have it don't want sex, which greatly upsets me. I am as sexual and orgasmic as any 'normal' woman. It's just that my body won't obey my head, and I can't seem to figure out why.

Any advice or guidance would be very welcome. I really want to conquer this.

Warmest regards,

Dear S,

My first thought will sound like a broken record. Spend more time enjoying clitoral stimulation to orgasm after orgasm with masturbation. Take a long vacation from trying to accomplish vaginal penetration. Give it a rest.

After all, the clitoris is our primary organ for sexual pleasure and while the vagina is every man's dreamy preference for stimulation, it's not how most women can orgasm. Most sensible guys will be happy with quality manual or oral sex. So while you are healing, hone up on your outer-course skills

Meanwhile during your many masturbation sessions, imagine bigger and fatter dicks and dildos gliding in and out of your wet welcoming vagina while you stimulate your clitoris with a stronger vibrator like the Eroscillator or the Magic Wand rechargeable (cordless is delightful). When you reach peak excitement, use the end of my Vagina Barbell to play just at the opening of your vagina. Stay there. Don't try to go inside while you continue your clit stim with a hot fantasy. Every orgasm will be conditioning your body through pleasure instead of suffering repeated failures with penetration.

Then at the end of each selfloving sessions, get down on the floor and squat. Similar to how women washed clothes on the edge of a river. That position stretches tight pelvic floor muscles. We've all been told to squeeze and release the PC muscle with our Kegel exercises but rarely mentioned is how how to stretch and release those same muscles.

We had a post recently from a woman who healed her tight vagina. Also there are other comments on our website. The "Squats" come from a website She understands the mechanics of our bodies and I highly recommend her. Also many pelvic floor therapists are doing wonders in helping women to understand these important muscles.

Get back to us and describe your success story with how you healed yourself by masturbating with penetration fantasies. How you began and ended each orgasmic session with a nice long squat to stretch your pelvic floor muscle. Pleasure is healing! Or healing through pleasure!

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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No need to rush things for him or you.

Thu, 02/18/2016 - 18:03
feminist indignation (not verified)

Dear S.

When I reread your note to Betty, what I am hearing is an intense frustration with yourself; perhaps embracement is the wrong English word but something to the effect of sorrow over not having the ability for you and your partner to be inside of each other. Or simply penetrate yourself for increased pleasure. Wow.

If you look at the research done by The Welcomed Consensus folks or read Annie Sprinkle a tightening vagina is all so normal. True it can play havoc for both partners if they are unaware of how to reach harmony with-in them selves, between them and as community. As community your note affects us and your discomfort affects your friends and family.
This sentence struck me, “What bothers me the most is that, the more aroused I get, the more I tighten up.”

For someone who is as orgasmic as you seem to be, someone who enjoys sensuality as much as you see too, delights in sexual partnership, and is willing to investigate your sensuality by researching, reading and posting here, this thing of vaginismus I’m guessing must stimulate lots of negative emotions from many needs unmet.

For what ever reason your body is simultaneously generating intense ecstatic clitoral orgasm and at the same time triggering your pelvic floor muscles to tighten right-a-way, when typically they only grip or pulsate just before, during or after climax. Thus penetration is impossible and worst of all any attempt is painful! Therefore the “increased” internal stimulation you crave is blocked because your body can not tighten to increase erotic feeling any more plus it will not permit penetration for added feeling. One would guess the body’s response to physical pain causes the vagina to tighten and additionally the performance anxiety puts your neurological and endocrinological systems into a flight or fight response i.e. lots of glucocorticoid stress hormones. You may not be aware of this because of the intense orgasmic response you are simultaneously building by clitoral attention -- all normal and logical.

Looking at it slightly differently, you are so orgasmic your body tightens to intensify the internal stimulation much the same way your lover’s penis would. There is nothing wrong with your body wanting more, craving more feeling, more pleasure! In an attempt to intensify internal feeling and pleasure your body is mistakenly excluding your lover’s penis, your finger or your “very small egg”.

Take a break from the perfectionism, performance pressure and anxiety. Create the environment in which your body can learn how to get intense feeling by “relaxing” the pelvic floor muscles instead of reflexively tightening them. This is good sexual training for your partner too, as he can use this time to become a “multi orgasmic man”. Do what you normally do to become highly aroused and then just stop, read a book, talk, get coffee, but don’t watch TV or get a drink or wine. After your arousal drops way down just rest his “not to hard penis” on your introitus most likely you will find your introitus relaxed to the point there will be some entering allowed. If not don’t sweet it.

Get some more lub and talk read some more let your body relax in this fashion with his penis gently nudging in. Relax read don’t use force! Slowly the “premature griping” will dissipate. After “the practice” finish with climaxes for both of you as you please but don’t attempt climax with penetration. Over time you will find he can eventually “rest” all the way in (no trusting) your relaxed vagina and then practice with clitoral peaks, when he feels the griping, stop, and let your arousal drop. Repeat as delightful. More or less same process works for him in his gaining increased control of ejaculation. So both of you gain in the short term by enjoying each other’s practice and in the long term, “ooh la la”.

It may take more than several months or a year or so but by the time you finish you both will be able to indulge your selves internally for long extended times of mutual orgasmic intercourse. No need to rush things for him or you.

Words we must not say

Fri, 02/19/2016 - 02:43

I recently wanted to post the following, but I had problems, now here is a partial quote, in relation to Ms Margret Thatcher having a vibrator stuck in her vagina. Doctor: 'Some fucker's fucking fucked up this cunt's cunt' I thought it was sexist maybe, but very funny. Then I found this under the definition of 'boobs' '2) the cause of all of life's problems, 3) the solution to all of life's problems' Sexist, yes, but this time its target was male thinking and attitudes

Sexism cuts both ways, neither should be tolerated unless there is an overriding reason, in this case humour. But more importantly than the belly laugh that real humour can generate, it makes us evaluate the words we use. What is 'fuck'? - a noun, an adjective, a verb intransitive or a verb transitive? The answer is, all of these. So why don't we acknowledge it, and absorb it into our language -  fucked if I know. Mrs Grundy was a fictional character, but maybe through us she lives.