I Can't Seem to Get Back into a State of Arousal After I Orgasm

Mon, 01/18/2016 - 08:41
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

I'd like to start with a long overdue thank you. I came to you for help here when I was a young adult that had never experienced an orgasm. I was very panicked and dramatic back then, having learnt it was "not a thing" I don't mastubate or orgasm. I felt broken. Your site was the only clear online help I recieved, and over two years of on and off trial and error- I managed to have an orgasm, and I continue to enjoy my sexuallity often today. Thank you so much. I'm glad you're here for people. Once again, I'd apreciate your advice.

Firstly, I can't seem to get the hang of multiple orgasms. I used to enjoy aftershocks, but now I don't even feel those. I can't seem to get back into a state of arousal after I orgasm. My body plumets to zero arousal, and my mindset resets. I have the will and freedom to learn, so I'd be very greatful for advice.

Another question I have is about oral sex. My boyfriemd and I aren't sure what position would be standard and not break his neck, and google is mostly giving us unhelpful advanced positions. I'm having trouble moving past the medium arousal stage to high arousal, I think it may be because I'm used to my own masturbation technique. I went solo and tried to observe what patterns I use, but other than a lot of pelvic movement and a few repeating movements, it really felt very random. After all, I know what feels nice, I don't need a pattern.

I don't really feel there's room for me to manually join in without disrupting him.

Is there any advice you could give me? The whole process is enjoyable, but I'm dying to have a new kind of orgasm.

Sorry for the long message, in gratitude,
L

Dear L,

Thanks for your positive feedback. I adore answering questions and love to hear it has helped. As for "mulitple orgasms" don't sweat it. If you body feels satisfied after a nice big come, leave it at that. Our bodies change including sexual energy and desire. As long as you having some kind of regular orgasms, just count your blessings and enjoy what is.

When it comes to oral sex, the best position depends upon different body types. I suggest you simply experiment until a favorite one shows up.

Your statement: "I don't really feel there's room for me to manually join in without disrupting him." Sounds suspicious to me. Don't get hung up on protecting the male ego and just do whatever feels the best for you. The bigger and better orgasms will also be enjoyed by him. One of my favorite things to share with a lover is "Partner Assisted Masturbation." Get my book Orgasms for Two that has many suggestions for sharing orgasms with a partner. It's on Amazon.

You are doing great. Continue to grow and enjoy!

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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No sex is perfect and imperfections are just delightful

Tue, 01/26/2016 - 12:01
feminist indignation (not verified)

Dear L,
When I read this “Another question I have is about oral sex. My boyfriemd and I aren't sure what position would be standard and not break his neck,” I’m hearing that both of you have a lot of tension in your bodies. I think it is sometimes described as being “goal oriented” vs. something else that is never spelled out very well. But for two people to be relaxed, engaged and aroused almost any position becomes comfortable. Practice being emotional present, connected within your self, with him as people held in community.
I would think, stop worrying about coming several times and enjoying yourself perhaps then you and your lover could go a long way toward being able to be present.
As for “I don't really feel there's room for me to manually join in without disrupting him.” I would guess the two of you need establish more connection. Betty’s is right he is going to feel hurt, sad, because you are in fact correcting him. You might feel the same way because your needs for say, care, contribution, competence, harmony, effectiveness, growth etc were not being met. So the question becomes when someone wants to do themselves how do each of you care for each of you in meeting your needs. It is really a question of how do the two of you enhance your commotion; both emotionally and physically during sex? Remember the doer’s pleasure comes from seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling, and tasting their lover in ecstasy. The receiver gets pleasure from having their own body in ecstasy and knowing their lover is present and every one is safe.
No sex is perfect and imperfections are just as delightful as feed back as great sensations if you are present with each other.

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