Why Do I Yearn for Human Connection with Another Woman

Mon, 10/19/2015 - 05:55
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dearest Betty and Carlin:

My wife and I both grew up in fairly dysfunctional (but non-abusive) families where sexual dialogue and education didn't exist. I was heavily committed to an evangelical religious worldview during my adolescent and young adult years, and we both came to our marriage bed as virgins, however one might define that term--no penetrative sex with any other human beings, save for one R-rated event during college on my part. I was 28 and she was 26. I was "saving it for Jesus--" with the hopes of a 0-60mph blissful eternal sexual life, a deferred-pleasure reward for being so strong and self-disciplined, and non-sinful.

Fast-forward 27 years. I am convinced that whatever personality type lead me into the strong religious zeal was the same culprit for keeping me from sexual communication, for almost the entirety of my married life. My religious worldview changed over a decade ago, but only now (interestingly after my wife convinced me to read Diana Gabaldon's Outlander Series with all its erotic honesty between the characters) have we begun to communicate, and the sex has finally become mutually enjoyable, although we are only taking baby steps--they are fun steps!

My question: I am reluctant to ask this, but I fear that I have lost the life opportunity to experience a sexual encounter with anyone else. I love my wife beyond anything. I would never do anything to hurt her, but I am afraid we are destined to be the only human beings on the planet who had one single sex partner in our lives. Why do I yearn for that human connection with another woman, to experience someone else's scent and feel and touch, when I have my own loving and growing opportunity at home with my soulmate? I am so incredibly envious of most of the site's audience about their opportunities to have experienced passionate sexual abandon with more than one person in their lives. Am I over-reacting? Am I under-appreciative? Is this the most selfish question around?

I'm definitely more sexually hungry than my wife, although we've gone from periodic dry spells of monthly sex to as often as 2-3 times per week more recently. I've fantasized about a prostitute, but likely wouldn't have the courage to go through with it, plus the horrible consequences if it should get out and hurt my wife in any way. I may be stuck, but it might be nice to know whether or not this is just a childish and selfish desire. At any rate, can I put in a plea to take sexual opportunities in life as they come, and don't, please don't commit to any "purity" BS prior to marriage.

Respectfully,
Reluctant Poster-boy for Monogamy

Dear J,

My Dear man you are simply human, something most religions fail to recognize, except they have what they want: you suffering from excessive guilt which keeps you asking forgiveness..... from WHOM? Your pastor, priest, Jesus or god? It's really asking forgiveness for being human!

I have a terrible attitude toward all organized religions that manipulate us through sexual guilt. Free yourself. There are many ways to do this. One is an honest discussion with your wife about possibly attending a sex party. She most likely would not be interested. Or simply keeping your own counsel and connecting with a professional sex worker. Or investigating the Poly community where couples connect for recreational sex! Now there's a concept, yes? Recreational sex!

Or get yourself some sex toys (the Aneros and Fleshlight) and masturbate with outrageous fantasies about whores, sluts and dirty girls. Get into edging which is holding off for as along as possible until you finally let go into a HUGE orgasm that nearly knocks you out! There are just so many ways to deal with what I consider to be a terrible disservice to humanity and sexuality...Monogamy! It's all about controlling the masses by a few church fathers who are getting blowjobs from young boys. Or insecure men who desperately need to own their beloved's pussy. Let me know how you solve this natural longing.

Dr Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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I could have written the SAME words

Tue, 10/20/2015 - 22:21
Emmie Lou (not verified)

J, I'm you except female. Virgin bride + virgin groom = functional but not fulfilling sex for a long time. I, too, am insanely jealous of people who found sex positivity at a younger age than I. But, I focus on the fact that I made the choices I wanted at that time, so I can't regret my lack of experience (since I can't change it anyway) any more than the sexually adventurous regret their choices. I'm thankful for where I'm at now, and that my husband & I have found a way to grow sexually as individuals and as a couple. I was pre-orgasmic for the first 15 years of our marriage, and it was sad to think I'd never touch someone new. Hitting a certain age, losing the anti-depressants, and seeking out good erotica were game changers. Now, we fuck more and better - even adding anal to our repertoire!
I have no plans to look outside the marriage for sexual fulfillment/release although that means my wildest fantasies will remain just that. We do talk about our desires together now which is hot. If Hubby ever decides that he's willing to open our marriage, he knows what I'm up for and curious about. Good luck navigating this human experience~

Thank you Emmie Lou

Fri, 10/23/2015 - 10:14
Response from Jeff (not verified)

I admire your take on this--and thank you sincerely for commenting, Emmie Lou. You and your spouse have gone through some awesome doors together, and I hope my spouse and I can be so bold!

You've got a healthier outlook on your earlier-life choices than I do, as I still haven't made peace with the factors that contributed to my making the purity choices I made when young--although I finally was recently brave enough to relay those regrets to my young-adult son, who I hope won't make the same choices. I think I'm still quite angry at myself, but as you relay, it is what it is.

The reality of the situation is likely similar to yours, unless we miraculously evolved to include some third party in our sexuality, mine will likely be a life of monogamy with varying degrees of fantasy to spice it up. But that may not be the saddest sexual existance on the planet, and maybe I should be thankful for that!

I think Dr Betty's response to me aligns pretty closely with my own observation of life at this point, but she is exponentially more sexually and humanly mature, and it is just a breath of fresh air to hear her candor and yours. Thank you!

Thank you--

Fri, 10/23/2015 - 10:44

Emmie Lou thanks for the candor and for sharing your thoughts.  Believe it or not it gives me a little comfort to know that there are others in my situation, although I think you've taken a really healthy approach to being self-forgiving and accepting for things as they are, "it is what it is" reality without being regretful or resentful about choices we make at an early age.

And your willingness to share how you guys are turning up the heat is awesome, and even instructional, as my spouse and I have some major engrained thermostats to reset or adjust. I think it starts and ends with communication, and what a lucky guy is your husband to have a spouse willing to let him know "what I'm up for." I recently saw that research into the female Viagra versus placebo, where the key seemed to be communication--with all other outcomes being the same in the case/control study. 

Again thank you for your willingness to share.  It's a huge planet with billions of people but your kind and thoughtful response makes it a smaller and friendlier world.

Jeff P

How we are connected to community (others) is perplexing.

Mon, 10/26/2015 - 12:09
feminist indignation (not verified)

Dear

JeffP,

    In reading your observation and question it sparked a contemplation about what Betty calls that monogamous love crap and one's sexuality. As you know from the Bible, sex and it's consequences is something woman and men have been dealing with for a long time if one defines love crap as a mutual relationship between two people for the well being of the
community.

     Your observations and those of Emmie Lou about the sexual learning in your love
relationships are of immense beauty. Yet we hear from both those descriptions bonds and love an eagerness by both a woman and a man to explore sex with strangers (other people).

     Coming from a fundamentalist back ground where God grants all things and God moves and tells all people in strange ways it must be rather dumbfounding to realize we gain sexual knowledge from other people not God. That's really what reading sex books and watching sex movies is all about.

     My take is it is rather selfish and naive to think that going to a prostitute or having "a
'free sex' affair" would let you know what it's like to be with another woman. As best I remember Betty's description of the first time she went to a sex party, some fellow went down on her it was heaven to discover how wonderful  er vulva and clitoris really was. What I am guessing it was not him. It was the sensual understanding being past to her, through this man's mouth from other women's sexual knowledge about their own bodies. The same would be true for you in gaining sexual understanding of your self from other men of their bodies through the mouth or vagina of a woman.

     So the sexual "baby steps" you and your wife have taken form reading and watching
has taught both of you, sex is learned from other people. Given that knowledge, it's only logical to be curious about what can be gained from sex with strangers.

     Strange that while sex is an integral part of a love relationship it is learned outside of that relationship (in your case through books, movies and web sites such as this one).

     On the other hand love relationships are build from within people, between two people and
the bond they create between them. That security is cemented by "NOT" letting anything come between them.

     How a couple stays the course is the difficult task of driving for continual building and rebuilding their bond. Its not just sex that we learn from outside --  it is life -- kids, PTA, work, religion, parents, politics, anger, hate and how not to be indifferent to each other.

      Paradoxically it's the whole damn community we embrace by "NOT" letting anything come between us in a relationship bond. What I hear from Emmie Lou is the wonderful experience she has had learning about her and her husband's (woman and man) sexuality from other people and how it has built, complicated and rebuild their relationship. And she leaves us with a caveat  -- How we are connected to community (others) is perplexing.

      You and your wife have many ways reaching for others to gain "sexual" learning and
continually build your bond, Betty, Emmie Lou have named a few.

PS the last sentence still makes sense if you  [/size]substitute "parent-teacher association
(PTA)" for "sensual"!!

Thanks, FI--just a reflection on monogamy

Mon, 10/26/2015 - 16:34

F.I.,
Thanks so much for your considered comment. It means a lot to me that people think about these things too, and to maybe relate in some small way.
I want to try to be accurate in my response to you, and honest. There are three main points that keep coming back to me, and I would want you to understand how they relate to my letter to Betty:
1) The Reality:  There really is no one for me other than my wife, in terms of a life-partner. That's totally by choice.  Betty is correct: I'll grow the relationship I have, rather than sabatoge it for the sake of a sexual adventure, especially anything that would be dishonest or hidden.  It might be a different thing if the spouse was on-board, or it was a mutual decision to explore sex with others. Personally, I wish it would happen (I'll describe below,) but doubt it will in practice, as we are sort of hard-wired and have lived too long the way we have been sensitized, to break the mold.  So it will likely remain just that, fantasy, unless it's a mutual forward-going decision.
2) I don't know how old you are, but as an over-50 guy, there really is some genuine sorrow, a profound loss, in life related to what was missed--people who we might have loved more openly, chances and opportunities that were there in earlier youth that will simply never happen again.  Maybe that's the mid-life crisis in a nutshell, the realization of fewer days ahead than behind, and the knowledge that some things are off the table, many opportunities have passed us by. At my age and with my features and disposition, the feeling of being attractive to someone, or to be desired, is a fading memory and that is a huge loss for a human being. And is it enough that our spouses think we're "just fine" ? Maybe, should be, possibly--but the way I actually feel is "no it's not the same thing." Maybe being affirmed by others is important, in a large realm of life contexts. And I don't doubt you realize that too. 
3) What I desire in the opportunity for another sexual encounter isn't even in the dimension of what might serve our community best, or how we commit to marital "bonds" or other contractual or legal agreements--it's totally carnal.  It's messy and dirty and animal-driven and desirous of the other.  It would be her touch, taste, smell, warmth.  Nothing that could be experienced in a book or through a movie or via some other guy's testament.  It's that old and new testament "flesh." It's not public square accountability or how we manage to keep things from interfering in some marriage bond--the desire is for adventure, vulnerability and novelty.  Dan Savage is correct in my view, anytime he quotes the statistics on monogamy.  My parents tried-- result: mom divorced twice, three husbands, my dad divorced twice, two marriages and an affair.  My wife's family: divorced, her mom never remarried but considered an affair with a married man (that I know of,) her dad never remarried but several live-in partners before his present life partner. 
I'm betting Dan Savage and Betty are correct: that we aren't good at monogamy, that it (even in the best of circumstances) can be workable, tolerable, but we never quit wanting to have a taste of another attractive human being.  Dan says "we want to fuck the shit out of somebody else" which, in my own situation may be a bit overstated, but the sentiment is there. 
I hope that clarifies just how bad I am!  But it's the honest, heart-felt truth. I appreciate your note and apologise for my double-post above to Emmie Lou--don't know how the other one got published!

Are we at the same time students and teachers of relationships?

Thu, 10/29/2015 - 09:01
feminist indignation (not verified)

Dear JeffP,

 

     Thanks for the correspondence and most earnest thoughts. I will try to understand your three points by reflecting back to you what it is I think you want to be head and perhaps say what comes up for me in hearing you the way I did.

           But first I am not sure I was heard the way I wanted to be known. It was so highly useful to me that you gave me insights into 1) what you heard from me and 2) time to contemplate what it was I wanted to get across. I was not really talking about monogamy, poly or carnal interests or cleaving toward a partner. It was how we learn to have relationships. That learning we get from connection within us and between people and as community. Sex is unique because it is an autonomic response it's also is a very effective bonding agent but not necessarily an agent of creating relationships. Lots of other social activities are stronger relationship agents but much weaker bonding agents. Sex as a relationship agent has an advantage, because the guiding elements are clear feed back of physical pleasure not messy social stuff.

 

     I was interested to hear of your transformation to a higher sex couple. And was trying to imagine what it was like for you and your wife to learn about your bodies in such a way it was changing not only the sex but the relationship that makes sensual exploration possible.

 

     Point 1) You want us to know your value your relationship, the trust and honesty, which has developed by doing things mutually. You wish and fantasize about gaining mutual understanding to get permission to experience sexual verity you did not have before a monogamous marriage.

     What comes up for me is you seem to have transformed you sensual relationship to a degree that many people who have lots of adventuresome sex don't.

 

     Point 2) I have never understood mid life crises so this one is hard for me. But I hear a lot of how it is important to be valued, that your values matter, that you have done things and missed opportunities that have lasting and profound effects. And with increasing age the time frame for opportunity may be slipping away. Age is leaving you with a spouse as Benjamin Franklin said, "fits like an old shoe." That you want affirmation for your contribution and to be recognized.

 

     Point 3) Ok it's just plain male carnal lust you are talking about. Those " It's messy and dirty and animal-driven and desirous of the other", feelings. Besides look at all the failed long-term relationship around you. " I hope that clarifies just how bad I am!"   PS " I'm betting Dan Savage and Betty are correct: that we aren't good at monogamy.  Are you saying that because you have thoughts about sex with a stranger or perfect person is somehow evil or out of the ordinary?

     The question I'm guessing you're asking is, 'how can I get my need for sensual learning met?' Or, 'How do I know (because I have no experiences) that my needs for sexual fun and learning are being met with my partner?' But to really feel, taste - smell, someone's warmth is for both to be mutually present, not sealed off. Sealed off seems to be what so many 'sex' relationships are; no matter if they are with strangers or life partners (drop the word "sex" and this sentence represents simply lost connection). So I guessing you want to know how to be mutually emotionally present - have connection. Presence/connection is different from autonomic orgasmic response. One is often confused for another. My understanding what Sue M. Johnson call Synchrony Sex is just a physical (sexual) metaphor for connection within people, between people and as community.

 

     It's interesting how one's interactions with a partner have an impact on community and visa versa. We are at the same time students and teachers of relationships.

 

     Did I hear you the way you wanted to be known? Thanks for the connection and learning.

 

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