Should I Visit a Legal Brothel to Lose My Virginity?

Mon, 08/17/2015 - 12:24
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I'm a 31 year old man who has barely any dating experience and am a virgin. I have a hard time talking to women and have been friend zoned so many times. I am considering traveling to Nevada to visit a legal brothel to lose my virginity.

Whats your take on that? Do you have any pro's or cons that I may not have considered? Do you think I should just be patient and try and talk to women more often?

Dear J,

If you can afford to make the trip, I'm all for it. I believe it's best for any young man (or woman for that matter), to have first time penetration sex with an older experienced partner. Two beginners stumbling through amaze of mis-information or no-information is often a disaster.

Just make sure she knows this is your first time and take advantage of her wisdom to ask many questions. Let me know how it turns out. You can be an inspiration for other young men. In the meantime, I would encourage you to talk to women every chance you get. Practice makes perfect or at least it gets easier.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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A positive experience.

Mon, 08/17/2015 - 19:31
Mrs Magenta (not verified)

Dear J,

A French contact of mine replied with some hesitation yet he did it anyway after four seconds, that his first vaginal partner sex experience was with a prostitute of his age working at a brothel. 15 Years ago he was 19, at university, and was tired of being unsuccesful, waiting, and longing.

For two years he frequented her every month, became infatuated with her, till suddenly she was no longer there. 
He said she provided him with the positive basis for his further successful sexual exploration with women. He is now living with a girl in the Netherlands. 

Gaining sexual experience

Ron The Logician's picture
Tue, 08/18/2015 - 04:33
Ron The Logician

I'm not a sexologist like Dr. Betty, but let me take note of some things you may find of interest, or even use.

I enjoy citing counter-examples which undermine parochial stereotypes, so let me begin by noting the rise and fall of the Oneida Community in the 19th century USA, which embraced Christian theology and saw it as inspiring unusual (and politically voluntary) economic and sexual regimens, as described, e.g., in the book reviewed here. In particular, these people followed a practice called Ascending Fellowship,

...whereby community elders, considered especially godly, led younger
believers heavenward by introducing them to what they saw as the holy
pleasures of sex. Shortly after puberty, boys and girls were assigned a
succession of older love partners. Teen-agers commonly slept with people
in their 50's or 60's, though they got to choose partners their own age
as time passed.

Of course it had long been the case that, during times when the virginity of young women was jealously guarded by society before marriage, young men would not infrequently be introduced to coitus by a commercial sex worker some years their senior.

In today's more permissive era, many people embrace this notion of sex surrogacy as not just educational, but therapeutic, particulary for virgins facing special issues. This was the subject of a celebrated film a few years ago titled The Sessions, about the experiences of a man with profound physical disabilities. The plot was based on real events, but how accurately, I cannot say. In any event, the movie portrayed the man as a devoted Roman Catholic, whose sexual activity is countenanced by his confessional priest, despite the faith's prohibition of sex between unmarried persons. Indeed, clergy will sometimes defy orthodoxy, especially in the service of mercy.

Further, today we live in an age when the biology and psychology of sexual intimacy, in its many variations, is now on display through recorded media, at least some of it ambitious to be faithful to real life. I eventually discussed some of this material, free and commercially sold, in a posting here.

It appears that you are ultimately looking to develop a romantic sexual relationship, as so many people are. But as you are considering use of a sex surrogate as well, I'd remind you that today, there is also the third alternative of a "Friend With Benefits" aka a "Fuck Buddy." A sex club or use of personals ad would allow you to explore this additional avenue once you are confident of your ability to undertake intimacy.

There are no guarantees in life, and sometimes a person of whom you are fond will never be anything more than a close, non-sexual, friend, as my musical divas Garfunkel and Oates remind us here. But if I had to choose between a world without friends and a world without sexual partners, I'd gladly forgo the latter. There are plenty of other ways to get off, particularly in our permissive, high-tech age.

What is sex for?

Tue, 08/18/2015 - 09:44

Your post and Betty's answers gave me real pause for thought: What is the purpose of sex? Why do we all want to get laid? And how do we feel when we can't?

Obviously good sex feels great, though masturbation is probably a better, more intense physical pleasure. And bad sex is very bad, dull and depressing. How much of our desire for partnersex is driven by society telling us that we're incomplete without it, that it will transform our lives?

So what are your chances of having great sex with a prostitute? Like so much of life, it just depends on luck. You could end up with someone who takes pride in her work or someone who really just wants to get the job done as quickly as possible. You'll get an orgasm out of the process, maybe a bit more confidence and possibly some extra information.

But transactional, paid for sex is not quite the same thing as sex within an emotional, intimate relationship. It might not add any more value than masturbation. maybe less.

Most of us seem to use sex in our relationships as extra "glue" or sparkle, a way to share intimacy. Most good long term relationships seem more based on friendship rather than the sex. Reading through Betty's memoirs I'm struck by how lovers come and go but she has a clear bedrock of very good friends some of whom were lovers originally, some not.

So when you get "friend-zoned" how do you react? Are you a great friend to the women in your life or do you immediately write them off cos really you're just looking for a sexual partner? Just as fierce, hot lovers sometimes fade into friendships, often strong friendships turn into the best kind of intimate lovers.
And even if they don't, as Ron writes earlier, if I had to choose between a world without friends and a world without sex, I'd lose the sex and keep the friends.

PS As the mother of two teenage girls, I get very uneasy at the trope that appears every so often suggesting that young girls and boys should be introduced to sex by older, more experienced adults. Any 50 year old looking to introduce my 15 year old into the joys of sex can slither back into the slime pit they come from.

Who best to introduce us to sex?

Tue, 08/18/2015 - 12:36

J, I can understand Dr Betty's point of view and yours as well. However, I believe that having a good impression from first-time sex is very much dependent on the circumstances and on the other person involved. If you're paying someone for sex, the priority of the other person is going to be your money. They might or might not be kind and sexually wise, but the chances are that they will have a certain amount of built-in contempt for their clients and will be inclined to get you off and out the door as quickly as possible. Paying someone (a possibly bored, indifferent, or even hostile someone) to give you a perfunctory orgasm may not be the stuff that lovely memories are made of.

And you will still have the problem afterwards of wondering how you are ever going to become intimate with women based on your own ability to attract and interact with them as one human being to another. If you could meet an experienced woman who likes you (and vice versa) and who enjoys being a sexual mentor, that would be a far more rewarding relationship and introduction to partner sex. Perhaps there's a nice woman out there ten or twenty years older than you who would like to be your partner. Maybe you even already know her, but didn't realize she might be thinking of you that way. Finding a real human connection to go along with the sexual one is always going to be more satisfying. Good luck.

I'm so fortunate to be involved in a website that attracts

Betty Dodson's picture
Tue, 08/18/2015 - 13:10
Betty Dodson

members with the quality of thoughtfullness shown by the last four comments. You guys are simply great for me to read and then give more thought to what I answered off the top of my head with so many questions coming in from all over the world. Sometines I'm appaled at what I've said but more often it's just old fashioned common sense. Thanks for inspiring me to think a little deeper. especially Ron, NLH and are my birthday gifts as I enter my 87th year on planet Earth this August 24th.

Birthday greetings!

Tue, 08/18/2015 - 16:32

Thank you, Dr Betty. And I'd like to wish you many more years of good health and happiness. There's a story today in my local television news about a man who teaches spinning classes at a local fitness center. It's entitled: 'Try keeping up with this 86-year-old!' I couldn't help thinking of you. : )

The shorter the better, and always more difficult to accomplish.

Wed, 08/19/2015 - 05:27
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

Dear Dr. Betty,
please do not underrate your style of writing. 
Expressing oneself briefly and quickly is by far not the same as being shallow. 
We all know it is far more challenging to draw up a short, sharp script than a long-winding one trying to cover safely every base.
In journalism there is a standard story told to newbies:
A veteran newspaper writer was asked how come she delivered an article twice as long as usual, even though a shorter one would have been just fine.
The writer replied, "Sorry. Time frame was tight. I didn't have time to write shorter".

An effective, interestig message is many times written off the top of the head, in the style of "What I have written, I have written".
There is only so much volume one contribution can gracefully carry if it does not aim to be a scientific essay.
We readers are ruthless.
If someone tries to steal our attention with truisms we hit back by just skipping the tedious developments.
And we make a mental note not to get assaulted by the same pusher again. 

Dear J, Sex workers and sex

Sat, 08/22/2015 - 09:25
lsjb (not verified)

Dear J,
Sex workers and sex "surrogates" are very different.  A woman who makes her living by servicing  multiple partners for money provides a needed resource for some men.  A SURROGATE is someone trained to provide sex education beyond what can be learned by reading books - or visiting a prostitute.  She knows how to use her touch, her body as well as her knowledge of the anxieties of her clients to teach.  These are the women, like the one mentioned in "Sessions." who are trained to provide long term quality experience. 
A sex worker will provide an orgasm, a refuge from painful loneliness -- but for only a brief time.  Estalishing a relationship with a professional surrogate would provice way more. If you call an AASECT approved Sex Therapist she may likely be able to give you a way to contact a real, often "certified," sex surrogate. 
I think that's the best way to go.  This person also guides her client  in the social and person to personal skills that good sex, and relationships, require.
Your brief self description suggests to me that at 31, and a virgin, and unpartnered, you are not comfortable with socializing in many ways.  What you are better advised to seek is help with these very important skills and techniques to help you feel less inept in social situations.  A good psychotherapist who deals with intimacy problems  is priceless. Your search should include more than a plan  to lose your virginity.
Learning to have sex by numbers does not make a masterful lover or partner. 
Your future may depend on investigating your problem with a wider lens.

Alternative sexual and romatic modalities now and to come

Ron The Logician's picture
Sat, 08/22/2015 - 17:37
Ron The Logician

I thought readers might be interested in some stuff prompted by remarks posted above.

First, allow a Nevada resident working in the sex work trade to defend her calling, in an article here called I'm a sex worker in a legal brothel – here are the five biggest misconceptions about what I do.

But what if an American finds it inconvenient to travel to Nevada? In general, it is not illegal for competant people who are of age to have sex by mutual consent if money is not on offer quid pro quo. And neither is the sale of non-sexual social services like escorting. By combining the two, modern escort services provide a way to "work around" atavistic restrictions on sexual commerce, with the Internet providing a cheap and convenient means for the client to discover the provider, and each party to investigate the other in detail. Naturally, if a client likes the outcome of the first experience, the client can become a customer. No law need be broken.

A type of sex peculiar to our age exploits electronic telecommunications. improving on old-fashioned phone sex, videotelecom sex is now widely popular, with a recent UK documentary making the astounding (and unsubstantiated) claim that millions now earn money as sexual "webcam" workers. Even the original absence of tactile interaction is slowly being addressed by the emerging technology of teledildonics.

With this continuing breakneck-speed advance of digital technology, one can find those optimistic that "socially shallow" devices like sex toys may also have a surprising future! See for example, the funny short video here, or the funny 2008 feature film CONTROL ALT DELETE, trailer here. Recently Slate writes more seriously about the possibility of synthetic romantic partners here, including this:

There has recently been a burst of cogent accounts of human-robot sex and love in popular culture: Her and Ex Machina, the AMC drama series Humans, and the novel Love in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction. These fictional accounts of human-robot romantic relationships follow David Levy’s compelling, even if reluctant, argument for the inevitability of human-robot love and sex in his 2007 work Love and Sex With Robots. If you don’t think human-robot sex and love will be a growing reality of the future, read Levy’s book, and you will be convinced.... As Levy points out, the first to explore and benefit from robot-human sexual relationships may be individuals with physical or psychological impairments that limit their ability to have sex with other people.

Under the heavy-handed sexual repression not uncommon in the days of my youth, one aphorism had it that "Men want only ONE thing from a woman!" (viz. sex) But if this was ever true, it surely isn't so now. Consider evidence offered by a 2013 episode of BBC Two's This World program titled No Sex Please, We're Japanese.  The program abstract here writes that in part, it

explores the Otaku culture - the world of nerds and geeks obsessed with computer games and Manga cartoons - which has led to a withdrawal of many Japanese men from the dating game. Anita meets two men in their late thirties who have in-depth relationships with virtual teenage girlfriends as part of a role playing game: 'I think twice about going out with a 3D woman', says one.

One of these men explicitly says that even on a psychological level, he relates to his two-dimensional girlfriend only in a Platonic manner. Since BBC can't see fit to sell the program worldwide via VoD, others have made it available here all the same - probably without its permission. The aforementioned segment runs from 14 to 21 minutes into the program.

Finally, I know of more than one lovely young affluent woman who has trouble
finding a suitable boyfriend in our fast-changing times. To them and
others romatically inclined I draw attention to a serious book
accessible to intelligent lay readers, written by a highly-regarded
psychology professor. The publisher, SAGE, pitches it this way:

The Mating Game: A Primer on Love, Sex, and Marriage, Second Edition, is
the only comprehensive, multidisciplinary, introductory text about human
mating relationships aimed specifically at a university audience...
This text is ideal for upper level undergraduate or graduate students in
psychology, family studies, and sociology, who will find this engaging
text a valuable tool for course-related research activities, as well as
for self-awareness.

Find its Amazon page here. Prices start at $12 and WorldCat identifies over 300 (mainly college) libraries which own a copy of one of the book's editions.

Happy 86th to unstoppable prairie girl Dr. Betty! [typo mended]

Ron The Logician's picture
Sat, 09/26/2015 - 02:54
Ron The Logician

Today, who is more of a New Yorker than Betty Dodson? But back in the day, Dr. Betty began life out in prairie land, calling Kansas home. I would not be surprised to learn that when she was a teen she cut a rug now and then dancing to Western Swing. With this in mind, on the occasion of her 86th birthday, I dedicate the following song from 1951 (about the time she headed east) to her now world-famous career as an educator. Courtesy of YouTube, enjoy I Want To Learn To Do It by T. Texas Tyler, here.

where is your self-love?

Sat, 08/22/2015 - 19:34
bila kolbe

Dear J, You have received wisdom from many sources and I suggest you distill meaning from each comment. However, absent from your inquiry is to what extent you have explored and practiced love for yourself. As NLH so aptly stated, "But transactional, paid for sex is not quite the same thing as sex within an emotional, intimate relationship." Prior to any relationship with another is the foundation of an emotional, intimate relationship with yourself. Yea, you can get off with a prostitute, but then what? You're left with a limp penis and a hollow sense of being bereft emotionally and an unconnectedness with another human being. Explore your own sexuality, learn to love yourself, and this love you will project into your experience of life and attract into your influence people who will be worthwhile sexual/emotional partners.

Sexual adulthood, knowledge... versus virginity, as values.

Sun, 08/23/2015 - 06:01
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

Hi, J,
there's not much to add to the excellent chain of responses, specially after Bila Kolbe emphasizes the importance of self-love.
As Bila K. suggests, self-love is something inherently basic.
Having intercourse with a partner can be seen actually, self-love, in the company of two. If someone gets offended, my apologies. 
What is essential is that a person has constructed a stable, comfortable relationship between him and his sexual response by adulthood. 
An average male has discovered his sexual response and its alliance with eroticism at the age around 11-12. So, for twenty years a male of 31 has had 'hot dates with himself' (as Dr. Betty puts it) and a lot of self-knowledge with interesting, intensive phases and findings in his personal life-path of sexuality.
This is what counts and this is plenty. These are the rudiments that any future relationships are to be built on.
And there should be no reasons to lower one's standards of how one is willing to engage in the sexual relationships, when the time comes.
The question of you, J, contains some implications to values and morals that are difficult to define. So, here's some background knowledge, for comparison purposes, in order to put a male's, 31, experience in perspective.
In contrast with a male, a woman of 31, in relationship or not, prostitute or not, rarely knows how her sexual response in order to orgasm works. She, in this sense lives in unfortunate ignorance, which is so common that we do not necessarily even consider it an anomaly.
So, the prospective female partner you J are contemplating, most likely does not have a similar kind of sexual life with herself as you take for granted considering yourself.
A man (nor a woman) does not always realize the possible negative implications of this fundamental dissimilarity.  
Young men seldom realize how different the premises of the intercourse are for themselves and the (female) partner. Isn't this crazy, to think of. But it is the truth that seldom is told in the media or the sex industry. 
And when you decide to meet with someone, why not talk about this with her. Your experience of intimacy may only benefit from the shared knowledge.
A few words about virginity. What do we mean by it? Two examples:
1. Is a  woman with a few sexual relationships and childbirths a virgin in the traditional sense of the word? Of course, not. Nevertheless, she herself may consider herself a virgin, in the deeper sense of the word, since she has not yet got in touch of her sexual response and orgasm.
And, she finds her virginity acutely distressing, something important is missing from her sexuality as a grown up woman. She feels a virgin despite of the fact that she has an active sexlife with her husband.
2. An average, healthy male calls himself a virgin on the basis of not having had partnered sex, even though he has successfully discovered and cultivated his sexuality for twenty years since childhood.
By dictionary virginity means a person has never engaged in sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse, again, is mainly defined by penetration or, being penetrated.
Those technical terms are poor indicators on adult sexual maturity, knowledge and competence , which we all, I'm sure, are trying to grow better in. 
Educate yourself, practice and learn.
And keep us posted of your further findings,

Congratulations, Dr. Betty, 87, today.

Mon, 08/24/2015 - 01:43
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

Dear Dr. Betty,
have a beautiful 87th birthday.
Enjoy the empire of sexual rationality and sanity that you have successed in erecting in our collective consciousness.
It is not any more purely, merely about women, about feminism or the idea of equal potentialities.
That all bears an inkling of confrontationalism that you have wanted to avoid. The views (with Carlin) are wider now and so are the concepts that describe them and distribute them to every continent.
Your work is for everyone's wellness from infants to elderly. Wish I could take part in one of your seminars one day. Let's see. We need our dreams even though they would remain castles in the Spain.
Many Happy Returns!
Lizzie S.

[accidental redundant post removed]

Ron The Logician's picture
Mon, 08/24/2015 - 09:37
Ron The Logician

[accidental redundant post removed]

Pro Sex Surrogates vs. Lay Sex Workers

Ron The Logician's picture
Mon, 08/24/2015 - 11:19
Ron The Logician

Thank you, lsjb, for refining the distinction between a professional sex surrogate and a lay (chuckle) sex worker, as well as providing additional information on getting help.

I'd like to point out that a 1985 film documentary explored the therapy of two real clients by a real sex surrogate (as well as the personal social matrices of all three parties), in contrast to the actor portrayals in the aforementioned 2012 film, The Sessions. This 1985 work is called Private Practices: The Story of a Sex Surrogate. Unlike in the fictional film, the two clients do not have any serious physical disabilities. Watch its trailer here. (Aside: Over a quarter century after the film was released, Salon did a follow-up on its participants, published here.)

Netflix can lend you a copy and provides nearly 100 member reviews of it here. One of them seems to be less than impressed by the advantage of using a professionally trained surrogate, and writes this:

Being in the sex industry for a nomber of years now as an escort
/prostitute /whatever you want to call it... i can honestly say that
there is very little difference between what she does for a living and
what the average sex escort does .... sex workers are just as much
therapists as anyone with a degree .... trust me... the amount of
talking involved in the average session is virtually the same as what
any prostitute does... except she doesnt get thrown in jail for it...

You can read a professional film review by The New York Times here  and find additional reviews linked within the film's IMDb site section here. Were I to ponder engaging a sex surrogate, I would be inclined to first watch both the films mentioned, so that I might inquire as to how the service on offer  might compare to these cinematic portrayals.

Enjoy female sexuality in understanding male sexual connetion

Thu, 09/03/2015 - 09:21
feministindignation (not verified)

This has been a very interesting thread as it brings out the sanctity of women, the beautiful distinctness of each woman, the importance of female sexuality in terms of a man's own sexuality or in this case loosing his virginity. A great deal of care has been extended to him in terms of discussing the kind of woman he should share his sensuality with. Some seem to hear a moral concern about commercial sex and the likelihood of sex workers' being self-consumed with little care for anything but money, or addicts unable to connect, while other seem to ask if, like other women female prostitutes know enough about their own bodies to be present enough to introduce him to the wonderful world of sex. Perhaps there is a sadness about someone 31 who has not been with someone. Or fear him being with a whore as apposed to a real human-being. Wow.

"J" said and asked, "I am considering traveling to Nevada to visit a legal brothel to lose my virginity. Whats your take on that? " Boy, go for it! "J", if I hear the answers you got correctly they say, "forget about 'loosing virginity' what is valuable is learning to be with "a" woman to support her orgasm." That might seem really weird or female egocentric. But as Lizzie Smith points out you already know a lot about your sexuality. It's getting your sexual gratification to occur in concert with your female partner's that's the issue. A mutual agreement of paying a woman to show and tell you about "her" is simpler, more straightforward and cheaper than the contract that goes with a love affair.

True the predictability and emotional closeness that comes with love is missing from a temporary connection. If Betty has said anything sex with strangers can be highly rewarding and connective. Any one who has held the hand of an injured stranger knows the true capability of temporary intimacy. Or knows how connective it is to be held by a stranger when one is in need like at a car crash.

So you are hiring a person, a human being to be with in sexual union - not a whore and certainly not a hole but a person with feelings, family and community. Find someone who can teach you about her body and you can learn more about your body by experiencing hers. As Lizzie Smith points out finding a woman who knows her body is harder than you might think. Someone else suggested a sex worker may know her body but not enjoy contractually providing her self for arousal. Instead she might really enjoy feeling orgasm in her clients' bodies. So you need to gain understanding with the human-being you are speaking with; learn what you and she find enjoyable to trade safety, money, and time for.

Meeting her needs is just as important for your well-being as meeting your own. Prostitutes are professionals like lawyers, portrait painters, therapists, or cooks each have their idiosyncrasies, certain things that bring them professional, social, and personal joy. A miss match between "the served" and "the serving" makes disconnection more likely.

Don't worry about finding the best match, find the person who is more likely to be comfortable with your requests and that you believe you would be more comfortable in her care. "First time" anything with another person (tennis, reading) is stressful. Find the woman who is comfortable in taking an interest 'in slowing you down', showing you about her, and developing a sensual relationship with her is more important than you or she individually!

You're not choosing a whore - she is a person - you are asking a person to be with you, she is also asking you to be with her, and you both are attempting to reach mutual agreement to on meeting each other's needs. Ask each woman, "What she would like to know about you?" Ask them what grants them safety with a stranger? Sure it's a contract, but it is a relationship between two human beings. Remember sex workers are like lawyers charge by the minute, each person enjoys and does their work differently. Each time and each relationship will be distinct. Spend time finding contractual partners, view each woman as an equal and matchless - ask her to join with you in learning about sexual union.

I'm not sure what Lizzie Smith meant by this but I take it to be a summation of every thing we have written, "Having intercourse with a partner can be seen actually, self-love, in the company of two. If someone gets offended, my apologies."