FGM Survivor Trying to Achieve Orgasm With the Love of My Life

Tue, 08/11/2015 - 09:45
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

So I am 25 years old and have been married to the love of my life. We've been married for less than 3 months and have really and desperately tried having sex. There are so many levels to this issue. I think I may have vaginismus that makes my muscles contract, which I have been experiencing.

We have tried having sex and my husband is extremely patient and encouraging and we have (I think) broken my hymen ( how can you tell if it is really broken ?) because I did bleed and he has put his penis in me competent multiple times. The issue is that I just don't feel aroused when he is inside me. It like I just feel like something is obstructing my vagina and that's it. This has really been freaking me out because we have tried many positions and I just don't seem to get an orgasm.

Please please help me out! Also I'm a born Muslim which means that I have undergone a surgical removal of my clit (which is really very sad), but such is life... Anyway so please help us achieve an orgasm !

Dear F,

You have my condolences for the horrendous FGM inflicted upon you and other women by incredibly insecure cowardly men who feel the need to control women's sexuality by removing part or most of the clitoris. This is a perfect example of why I'm against male dominated organized religions.

As for achieving orgasm from vaginal penetration only, even intact women have problems with that. However you still have the ability to fantasize and since the clitoral body is more extensive than the glans (tip of the clitoris), chances are good that you might get sexual sensations from the shaft or stem of the clitoris, depending upon the extent of how much was removed.

Also what is called the G spot is actually the back end of the clitoris with erectile tissue surrounding the urinary tract that can be stimulated by applying pressure on the ceiling of your vagina.This is best done with a curved dildo or a finger that can provide adequate pressure. During intercourse, this area can be stimulated in "Doggie Position" with a firm erect penis so you and your husband can also experiment with that. There is much information on the website about this if you just begin to read what's available. .

Another possibility,depending upon how much of your clitoris was removed, is holding a vibrator just above on the stem or shaft of the clitoris to see if that gives you any good sensations. Again experiment is the way to explore this.

I doubt you have "vaginismus" and hymens are not such a big deal BUT the lack of sexual arousal with a missing clitoral glans will require that you to use plenty of additional lubrication to ease vaginal penetration. My favorite is almond oil or coconut or even olive oil will work. Even if you or your husband masters G spot stimulation to arouse you, I would still recommend using plenty of oil so vaginal penetration will stop being painful. That's whats causing your muscle to tighten up which is a normal response.

Also the best way to experiment is with your own body is through masturbating alone. That's so you can focus entirely on yourself and not be concerned about pleasing your husband. The website is full of more info on uncovering your orgasm. Until then, please don't focus on orgasm, instead, just find a way to enjoy penetration sex without pain and demanding that you climax especially to please him. If he has an obsession, to make you come, then do what millions of other women have done-- just fake an orgasm and end the session. All we have to do is squeeze and release our pelvic floor muscles, tense up our bodies briefly and scream out loud like they do in porn.

Get back to me with you progress. I'll be rooting for you.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Sun, 08/16/2015 - 15:39

Dear F,

FGM is a term used to describe a huge range of procedures, from the relatively rare small cut or nick of the clitoral hood, to the excisement of the entire visible clitoris, the labia minor and the sewing together of the outer labia leaving the tiniest openings to pee and bleed.

It's largely a practice carried out within African countries and in their diaspora around the world. Any number of excuses are given, both social and religious but as a number of commentators have noted in previous posts, FGM is not supported by any reading  of the Koran or Bible. It is neither Islamic nor Christian.

& all of this is important because without knowing how much of you was cut, it's impossible to give any realistic, meaningful advice about how you can achieve orgasm. But you also need to know that there was no good reason for being cut, and there is every good reason to want to try and put yourself back together as you were meant to be.

There are some groups doing work on restorative surgery around the world such as the one in these links: 
Women having their clitorises reconstructed after female ...

High hopes: the cult 'restoring' the victims of female mutilation ...

None of this contradicts Betty's excellent advice to try to get to know yourself and your body better through masturbation, to learn to listen to your responses and to enjoy yourself up to and including orgasm if possible.

But it seems also seems worthwhile to at least try and find a doctor qualified to
examine your vulva and assess how much damage has been done. If someone had cut away a body part of mine, I would certainly be trying to find a way of restoring it as well as using whatever was left to me to move forwards.
Good Luck