Do I Leave Behind a Life of Stability & Security for a Need to Explore My Own Sexuality?

Mon, 08/10/2015 - 11:13
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty

I have been in a long term relationship for nearly ten years. I m 30 years old. He is an amazing, kind loving man who will move the earth for me if he has too. However,if I have to be honest I m not sexually attracted to him any more. I have recently been seeing somebody else and the sex is off the charts. Do I leave behind a life of stability and security for a need to explore my own sexuality?

Please help so confused.

Dear M,

After ten years of sexual monogamy, I'd say it's about time you had some sexual experiences with others. After all, once we get married, the social expectation is remain faithful for the remainder of your life. I miserably failed at this. My stand is that when sex is good, it gets better. When it's ho hum, it will stay ho hum. It's never easy to break up a long term relationship but I believe it's more destructive to live a life without any sexual passion. Spending your entire twenties with one man seems extreme to me, so it's time for a little adventure.

Of course it would be nice if you could keep both Mr.Consistent along with Mr. Hot Stuff. However, I would never council anyone to not go with the great sex even though nothing lasts forever. Another option would be to give sex a little time to see if it cools down which would require negotiating a vacation from "going steady" at least for some period of time.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Elvis has left the building....

Tue, 08/18/2015 - 09:09

Dear M
You've already left your life of stability and security. It wasn't enough to keep you content and, physically at least, you've moved on. So the question really is how best to move forwards.

It's not clear from your note how intertwined your lives are, whether you share a house or finances, whether you have children together etc. All of these things are likely to impact the decisions you make now and how they play out.

Finding out that you're being unfaithful is obviously going to hurt. A lot. The longer you continue in this situation, the more chance there is of your long term partner finding out and being badly hurt. So for his sake as well as your own, you should try to move on.

& it's worth remembering that the grass is always greener in someone else's garden. Sex is always more exciting with new and exciting people. As Betty writes, these things tend to "cool down" especially when not spiced up with the hint of the forbidden.

So you could always try to re-invent sex with your long-term partner. Maybe he's as bored as you are. Maybe he'd like to spice things up, try something new, share some fantasies or games. Maybe he's also having an affair on the side. He might surprise you. Open relationships have always sounded like hard work to me, but it might work for him.

It's worth asking yourself how you'd feel sharing him with another woman, partly to understand how he might be feeling right now.

Or maybe it's just time to leave. Maybe you just need to live a little, try new things, new people, new experiences and work out what and who suits you best.
Delaying the decision is unlikely to make anything easier or better. You risk liking yourself and your partners less and less as time goes by and you are forced into more and more compromises and deceptions. At 30 you are still so young, far too young to compromise on what you need - you have so much time left to live some adventures.

Maybe you should just try asking for what you want from your long-term partner and new lover, and see where it takes you. No matter how messy it gets in the short term, there's a whole life out there waiting to be lived.

In their loosing connection we as community have done something

Tue, 08/18/2015 - 12:46
feministindignation (not verified)

     I have been contemplating this post and came back to these musings several times only to discover North London House Wife has been doing the same when I went to post. Please keep in mind my words were written without influence of NLHw response to "M". 

Dear "M", Husband and Community,

     I have read this post several times and there are always lots of things that come up for me in the way I hear the justification for and the question, "Do I leave behind a life of stability and security for a need to explore my own sexuality?"

      Frankly I  don't have any idea what "M" is meaning as it all seems rather like a
computer programming statement "if this then that". A "logical decision block" to understand something that always has lots of problems - the meaning of connection within someone and between people. "M's" 86 words ignore so much of what relationships are and what makes us complex as humans.

      So the way I am hearing "M" is a request for validation of her actions. Her
community is already dealing with this loss of connection and will deal with it
more painfully when the breakup occurs. And note the blog respondents are not
part of the community where "M" lives! I can't summarize as well as the North London House Wife did in talking about a similar sort of question with sugar daddies, "
It seems pretty obvious that dodsonandross are the last place to find people throwing stones at sex workers so maybe you were just seeking validation and that's ok." Just drop out the words "sex workers"
and substitute "a person seeking sexual expression".
 (see post under the heading 'Is It Wrong to Have Several Sugar Daddies? Tue, 08/04/2015')

      Who sees a question of how to improve "M's" sex life with her mate? This omission on a blog devoted to sensuality and specifically female sexuality seems odd not to ask for relationship help or specifically relationship help. Sex is not at all required for strong enduring attachment bonds just look at parent-child bonds but sex is an important bonding agent for couples and one of the telegraphs whether emotional bonds are strengthening or weakening. Guessing "M's" real question therefore is; "I realize our bond with my most significant attachment figure is slipping what do he and I do about it?"

     We all get caught in self for filing bond erosive cycles, it's how we get out that is the issue.
It's anyone's guess (including "M" & husband) why someone who according to "M" "…
is an amazing, kind loving man who will move the earth for me if he has too." is not worth fighting to keep. And fighting means more than protecting the other person from harm it means fighting to maintain connection within one's (M's) self, between them and as community.

     As we understand, "M's" affair has broken trust and that is hard to deal with for both
parties. In loosing connection her husband has done 'some things' along the way, 'as has she' and 'so have we' as community! Relationships even within our selves are damn hard it's why partner and community support is human.

     The Elephant's question or should we say the community's question is "Is repair

[= 12.0pt]     The short answer is, Yes! So is great new sex with the husband! as long as neither have moved on (has a new life) to the degree one is unreachable to the other.[/]

You have answered your question already

Tue, 08/18/2015 - 15:39
Daffodil68 (not verified)

Dear M.,

I totally second the words of NorthLondonHousewife.
Your quest for a happier sexual life is legitimate.
Yet, what about your partner ? You should leave him and give him a chance to be happy too with someone else before he finds out. Infidelity is so destructive.

My question is, "Why see our fellow human beings as disposable?"

Fri, 08/21/2015 - 15:25
feministindignation (not verified)

There seems to be a theme in this tread that disenchantment within relationships is bad because it leads loss of happiness and sex. Therefore because the relationship has gone "bad" a "presence of evil" declare war and find great sex in new places.

Relationship disenchantment is loss of connection and loss of connection is due to inability to reach for, inability to ask to be heard and understood on one side and the other side to be inaccessible for support, unable to hear, unable to enquire draw out the other person's meaning. But life is conflict and so is relationship. Hundreds thousands of times a day people loose and regain balance. It's only when conflict becomes painful or un-manageable that we do all kinds of non-productive things to regain connection. This sort of thing is not evil it's normal.

So if within relationships there is and inherent danger of becoming disenchanted why not have the same kind of education Betty promotes for sex. But instead of sensual education we have emotional education. Bonding education so people can see the normalcy of disconnection and the ways in which successful bonders continually reconnect even in bitter conflict.

So I think the question "M" may want to ask is, "How can "We" "I" learn to reconnect with my lover even in the face of conflict and disconnection so that we can have the conversations that not only re-secure our bond but also enable us to have the kind of emotional intimacy that leads to being willing to talk about sensual learning?"

My question is, "Why see our fellow human beings as disposable?"


Sat, 08/22/2015 - 11:43

Relationships are difficult.

They require the balancing of our own needs and wants with those of our partner.
They require us to accept that not all of our needs or wants may be met by the person that we've made a commitment towards, or that we ourselves are perhaps inadequate when faced with our partner's needs and wants. It isn't like the fairy tale, at least not passed the first year or two.

Relationships require us to make decisions and choices. We have to choose whether we can accept the lack in each other, whether maybe it is balanced by other relationships, friends and family. Or maybe it is simply balanced out by other characteristics in our partner that we value more.

And ofcourse people change over time. Our needs and wants change over time. Will our partners change with us? Do they want to change?

Most of the women in my life have tended to value themselves too little, their needs are sacrificed for the sake of their relationships. Mostly they do not see their fellow beings as disposable but rather tend to hesitate, think long and hard before they're ready to cut the ties and leave a relationship.

Relating this back to the original post: I see no reason to believe differently of the woman writing in this post. She does not seem to regard her long term partner as disposable.

She has the right to consider her own needs, emotional, sexual etc with equal weight to those of her long term partner.

She needs to be a bit wary of swapping the known problem for something that (although initially new and exciting) may well turn out to be problematic. So yes - she should think about whether her relationship can be fixed.

But she also needs not to let the fear of change, fear of the unknown prevent her from living out her own life. 30 is still so very young.

Our disposable culture

Sat, 08/22/2015 - 12:34

Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that, as many here have noted, passion tends to fade somewhat and, if we're lucky, friendship and true caring blossom and continue to grow. It seems to me that what M has is a partner who truly loves her. That's rare. But the passion has faded, which is common. In truth, pure passion is going to fade with her current lover too, and with every lover she ever has after him. But there are many compensations that come with true commitment, and there are ways to re-kindle excitement when the embers have begun to cool.

Our culture teaches us a shorter and shorter attention span, and trumpets the 'need' for instant gratification. Thus we really are influenced to flee for apparently greener pastures at the first sign that everything about our partner isn't exactly to our liking. We also, especially when young, fall under the spell of romantic myths that tell us that we can (and should) expect one person to fulfill every desire we have for the rest of our lives. Naturally, if we really believe this we're going to be disappointed in every relationship we ever have. M is torn between a partner who truly loves her, and a lover who excites her. Can she rediscover what she found exciting about her husband in the first place, and keep the love he offers her? Is her lover a good prospect for anything but sex? Sex is undoubtedly important, but how important compared with loving devotion? It's possible to have both but it takes effort, and time and effort don't fit with our demands for instant gratification. From my point of view as someone in a long-term relationship, exciting lovers come and go (and don't stay purely exciting for very long), but true devotion is a priceless gem. We have to decide for ourselves what we truly value.

Explore and find love and support

Thu, 10/08/2015 - 15:09
Martha (not verified)

Dear M,
If you were in the relationship that was meant for you, your partner would be supportive of your needs, no matter what they were, and encourage you to explore and endulge them.
Nothing against him and I'm sure he loves you in the only way he knows. But some partners simply get jeolous or angry if the other one achieves more pleasure. Perhaps it has to do with control or with some desire they are repressing within themselves they cannot satisfy.  Such subservient relationships are all too common and put a lot of burden on someone with your needs. Such repression is the cause for much cheating, unhappiness, even violence. Unconditional love demands we find joy, not anger, from each other's growth and pleasure.
I'm fortunate to be in a relationship with a guy who understands me, accepts me, and fully supports and encourages my sexual needs. I found myself endulging in much more because of him, not less, on my own and even with an occassional third party, which is probably why we have been together so long. He has helped me attain new levels of sexual joy and satisfaction.
But it took many dates and partners before I found my soul mate.  I am sure you will to if you keep on trying.