In my twenties, I was a very traditional young woman. Once I had sex with a boyfriend, he had to promise to only have sex with me. Of course my being faithful was assumed. Thus began my mini-monogamous romantic sex affairs that lasted a few months to a year or so throughout the decade of my twenties.
Getting married at 29 made me to question a sexual practice that was taken for granted. After all, marriage is a contract meant to last a lifetime while all those mini-monogamies had an expiration date. Although I was on the rebound dumped by my last beloved, I was also exhausted from trying to survive as a commercial artist working free-lance while I longed to pursue fine art full time.
On our second date, my future husband referred to himself as my patron— he was very impressed with my talent. The problem was that he mostly came too fast for me to have an orgasm, but every thing else seemed so perfect. He was handsome, attentive and earned a big salary as the advertising director for a large Textile firm. Our candle light dinners in his favorite French restaurant were delightfully romantic.
During a session with my therapist to discuss my fears about making this commitment, I complained about our sexlife. She said it took most couples at least a year to make their marital adjustment. Besides if it didn’t work out, I could always get a divorce. This was an option that had never dawned on me because in the fifties, marriages lasted a lifetime-- just like my parents. Divorce was viewed as a failure. Today with over half of all marriages ending in divorce, it’s now become the norm. After seventies feminists established serial monogamy, it simply turned into what we have today— serial marriages. A lifestyle that breaks up families, often hurts children and makes lawyers rich.
I was so worried about having sex with only my husband for a lifetime that I cheated our first year of marriage— just to make sure I could. However, the guilt was so overwhelming; I resigned myself to marital sex with an occasional orgasm for me. Every now and then, he’d be a stud and last long enough for me to come. Each time I’d hope that we’d finally achieved our “marital adjustment,” but I’d end up relying on a sneaky quick climax after he went to sleep. In the second year, we moved to an apartment and once I had my art studio to myself again, I became a compulsive marital masturbator. We finally let go of having sex altogether in the second year and lived together comfortably as compatible roommates. After seven years, my husband ran off with his secretary.
In short order, I teamed up with an equally compulsive marital masturbator just out of a seventeen year monogamous marriage. Together, we embraced the sex revolution of the seventies with open arms. At first, I had the standard struggle of jealousy and possiveness that soon disappeared with all the sexual abundance and joy in my life. Every so often my female conditioning would circle my thoughts. Everyone knows that a woman’s security is ultimately based upon getting married and having at least one child. So when friends questioned me about my lifestyle with all this “sexual freedom business” I would tell them I’d settle down when I was in my seventies. And that's just what I did!
Once young Eric moved in with me he was indeed the "man of my dreams." He was just out of college at 22 and I was a seasoned 69 year old sexual sage. He wanted a teacher and I had a devoted student which led to 10 years of orgasmic monogamous sex with him and him alone. Meanwhile, I encouraged him to enjoy sex with other girls his own age as part of his apprenticeship. However, all good things must come to an end including life itself. I'd always known he would eventually move along. It’s the only way older/younger love affairs can have happy endings. It’s my belief that love has the capacity to let go and I knew we’d always be friends. Today he’s very much like a grandson that I adore.
My complaint is the practice of Monogamy is a given for women, a social construct taken for granted. Those of us who are uncomfortable with that life style don't have a voice or other images of how to enjoy alternative sexlives. Monogamy is also at the core of the sexual double standard. Many men have told me they never fully intended to have sex with only one person “forever.” But most men demand to know their children belong to them so they’ll inherit Daddy’s property. Actually I believe the demand for "monogamy" is still based on this along with men's insecurity about their sexual prowess. Since most of us are not "naturally" monogamous, it ends up making liars out of both sexes. We’re just another one of the big Apes.
For me, monogamous marriage seems like an ancient religious relic that has repressed society far too long. Surely we can come up with more joyful and artful lifestyles that incorporate sexual variety with an abundance of orgasms for both sexes for those who want this. There is a time and place for monogamy if a couple wants to procreate. Except we know that competing sperm is very desirable for begetting the healthiest babies. And once paternity is hidden, men naturally take better care of all the children instead of the possessive and narrow practice we have today based on inheritance.
The vision I hold is people choosing from a wealth of sex styles. Along with "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" or "Middle Class" could include “Lifestyles of the Sexually Adventurous.” Or successful men and women Singles who never marry. We already know that polygamy with many wives is still around. Less known was polyandry which was a woman with many husbands. While rare this did exist for goddesses, queens and women in power. Recently I read about a group of people that had “Walking Marriages” where a male lover stayed the night and left the next morning. All children belong to mothers who raised them. Today we have polyamory which is gaining in popularity and Kinky Salons where people can meet for group sex. Hopefully society will eventually evolve to embrace “Sex by Design” just like any other art form.
Now that I'm half way through my 80's, I'm monogamous with me except for cheating on myself a few times. I must include the Bodysex workshops with our all-women’s sacred initiation ritual of group masturbation. Also my private clients are like having a sex date where I get paid. These women are all potential prospects to expand the army of orgasmic women to kick off the next sexual revolution. So yes, I have opted for a plural sexlife with as many people as possible. I consider myself a sexual gourmet the same as a person who loves food and travels the world to savor all the varied and wonderful taste thrills! This has been my chosen lifestyle. I’m grateful to all the people who have so generously shared sexual intimacy with me. I thank each and every one of you.