Finding Sexual Fulfillment is So Easy for Him & Difficult for Me

Thu, 06/04/2015 - 07:29
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

My (recent) ex engages in a lot of casual sex, & never has any trouble finding a willing partner whenever he wants. I feel *really* bitter that finding (at least some basic level of) sexual fulfillment is so easy for him, & comparatively so difficult for me. I'm convinced that the cards are stacked against me in a variety of (mostly gendered ways) - ie casual sex is a much riskier proposition for me (in terms of pregnancy as well as risk of violence), weeding out the misogynists is hard & exhausting work, a lot of straight men are selfish or just bad lovers, etc....&, in my opinion, there are just not nearly as many attractive men as there are attractive women.

I have been trying to tell myself "I take responsibility for my own pleasure", & also have been masturbating a lot (which is great); but I can't shake the feeling of 'injustice' & basic unfairness. This is a feeling that preceded this most recent relationship, so is not merely linked to the feelings I have about that breakup...more an overall sense that I haven't had as many good sexual experiences as I deserve, & feel powerless about this.

Is my feeling of scarcity based in reality at all?? I want to feel empowered, not bitter!


Dear N,

I clearly remember going through a similar phase. What you are complaining about is the sexual double standard. Men are expected to run the fuck so they determine the quality of the sexual exchange. Also it's far easier for guys to get off than women. I had to get up the courage to stimulate my own clitoris during vaginal penetration. When the guy wanted to do it for me, I was willing, but they invariably used too much pressure. Yes it is far more complicated for women to find a man with a slow hand (and a delicate touch). Meanwhile a dude only needs a set of nice boobs and a wet pussy.

However, once a woman takes control of her sexual pleasure, can do her own clitoris and clearly state her pleasure, female orgasms are stronger, last longer and can continue to be repeated for hours. So hang in there and become a sexually sophisticated woman who knows how to get what she wants.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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double standards.

Thu, 06/04/2015 - 08:06

I am an asperger male 49Yrs how has never had a date, sex or a girlfriend. I am very lonely, depressed and my life has been wrecked by this terrible condition.


Fri, 06/05/2015 - 10:59

Dear N
It is frustrating and irritating to find ourselves living in a world determined to make sex so very easy for men and so very difficult for women to enjoy. Your feelings are entirely based in reality. It is clearly easier for men to enjoy casual sex often and easily, with little thought to the consequences and no sense of risk.

You haven't had the great sex that you deserve. Yet. It is entirely right and reasonable to be feeling angry.

The interesting question is what do you want to do with all of this righteous anger?

Some women are just so sexy, so confident in their skins, their sexuality and physicality. They know their bodies and they love them. They are the most desired and desirable of lovers and you can choose to be that woman. The more you learn about your own body, the more you value and love yourself, your own physicality, your orgasm, the better you can feel about yourself and become truly wonderful. Every woman's best orgasms are probably solo orgasms, but the more that you understand them, the more likely you are to share them with a partner.

And whilst it might not be the right time to think about it, you could also ask yourself exactly where you think you are on the hetero-bi-homo spectrum. As you point out, there are a lot of attractive women out there and it might be time to explore your sexuality a bit further.

PS In terms of socialisation and double standards it starts with the fairy tales, Prince Charming having his way with Cinderella etc. Apparently the original story talked of her "fur slipper" being a perfect fit for the prince, with her step-sisters mutilating their own bodies to make a better fit for him.

It moves on through non-existent sex-ed, to romance books, movies etc of the active male pursuer and passive female heroine or victim all the way towards pornography which in mostly follows the old tired male-centric cliches.
It feels relentless with the relentless promotion of PIV sex that works perfectly for men and almost guarantees no orgasm for the woman involved, the sexual double standard that categorises women as either whores or virgins.

And yet female sexuality is so rich and so deep and powerful once we engage with our bodies. Our orgasms grow bigger and deeper and stronger with practice. Women are the marathon runner rather than the sprinter, and there is so much to enjoy when we take our time and engage our senses.

I think my clit is dead and never had orgasm with partner.

Tue, 06/09/2015 - 19:03
Belle (not verified)

I am 26 years old and I have never had an ogasm with a partner. I am heterosexual. I can only experience a clitoral orgam by using a hitachi magic wand an I have never had an gspot orgasm. I have been to 3 ob/gyns an a neurologist. I have been told i have no nerve damage an I have ran out of options. please help me. I think my clitois is dead. I use to be able to rub my clit up against something an now I have to look at porn an use a vibator to come.

If I may comment. I am a 63

Wed, 06/10/2015 - 08:40
Johnjohnjohn (not verified)

If I may comment.

I am a 63 year old male.

I think you need to relax, my sweet girl.

Go back to your body and stop your expectations. Start from the beginning, re-visit your privates, your clitoris, and stop expecting fireworks.

Just start again.

With love