A concept that is important in partner sex is how we communicate.
We are told to talk with our sex partners about what we like during sex and to even demonstrate how we like it. For instance, when it comes to clitoral stimulation, we can demonstrate by touching a lovers arm with our preferred pressure. Or a guy can use his lover’s finger to demonstrate his preference for cock sucking. Any conversation that includes this kind of show and tell will improve a couple’s lovemaking.
This is a lot easier said than done. I recall my twenties when I struggled to speak up with a boyfriend during sex. This was back in the 50’s and like many young girls today, I’d been led to believe many myths about sex. For instance, being “romantically in love” meant my beloved would naturally know what to do so I’d have my orgasm. Even when he got up his nerve to ask me what I liked, I’d respond by saying, “Oh, everything your doing is wonderful.” Unfortunately that was NOT always true. Whenever it came to protecting the male ego, girls and women seemed to be born with an instinct that must have taken roots when we lived in caves— maybe it was some kind of survival ritual.
I remember when I was complaining to my therapist, and she said, “Betty, you must get your mouth open and speak up.” Easy for her to say while she sat behind her desk! Meanwhile, it seemed impossible for me to do. I even practiced the words when I was alone; “Scotty, I’d really appreciate if you touched me softer.” Or, “I’d prefer a lighter touch when you do manual sex.” Maybe just saying “Lighten up” would work. I even watched myself saying those words in front of a mirror. But later on when we were making out, I could never manage to get my mouth open.
After months of agonizing over this dilemma, one night I finally blurted out: “You’re doing it too hard and it hurts!” My words came out with too much volume. I sounded like a drill sergeant at top volume which must have been devastating to his ego. We were both shocked and I felt terrible. Poor Scot! Poor me! When I made an effort to explain myself, it became even more awkward, so I fell silent!
During the 6 months we’d been dating, he thought he was doing a good job getting me off because I’d fake orgasms to avoid hurting his feelings. I’d satisfy myself later on by masturbating in my own bed. Whenever I’d think about that moment, I’d flush with embarrassment. He probably felt the same way. I think it was easier for both of us to move along.
Many women claim the “closeness and affection during partnered sex is satisfying whether or not they’ve had a climax. However, I believe a degree of resentment will eventually build up. There is nothing quite as powerful as two people sharing mutual pleasure with orgasms to keep them appreciating one another. We all need to accept the fact that love will not conquer all with Prince Charming reading his beloved’s mind. That’s no longer viable today.
So what’s the solution? It’s best to talk about sex outside the bedroom when both of you are in a good mood. Start with a compliment, something your lover does that consistently turns you on. “I really love the way you kiss me when we’re making out.” Or, “I appreciate your firm erection when we’re making love.” Pick out one thing that you honestly enjoy. Then add what you’d like him to do differently next time. The same goes for a guy who requests something from his girlfriend. If they become defensive, drop the conversation. Try again at another time, but don’t give up.
During my last ongoing sexual affair, one of our favorite moments besides sharing great orgasms was when we’d lie in bed basking in the after glow of sexual satisfaction. Each of us would share what we liked that was different whenever we tried something new. We would go over in detail what worked and how it might be improved the next time we had sex. Since we were both sex educators, this type of conversation could lead to a second round of sex because we’d get turned on again.
The many years I shared sex with Grant, I’d always have several orgasms because he included clitoral stimulation with intercourse. We discussed sex in detail day and night especially after I began writing and we’d collaborate on projects. Also running my Bodysex workshops, the women and I shared details about our sex lives together. That, plus giving lectures made talking about sex second nature for me.
1. After practicing masturbation and learning how you like to have your orgasms, actually write down what you’ve discovered in your sex diary. Keeping track of your feelings, failures and successes will greatly improve your sexual skills.
2. One very important consideration is that when sex is good the first time, it will often get better. However, when sex is bad then it will usually remain a problem throughout the entire relationship.
3. When it comes to communicating what you want, it helps to practice saying the words out loud. Try looking into a mirror like an actor rehearsing lines, or getting ready to sell yourself in an interview for a new job. Any thing that makes it easier for you to express yourself makes sense, so you can become more experimental.
4. If you discover your partner simply cannot hear you or change his or her approach to sharing sex, then you know it’s time to move along— sooner is always better than later.
5. Make an effort to avoid becoming your lover’s sex therapist if he comes too fast or she’s never had an orgasm, or they have some kind of phobia that inhibits your enjoyment of partnered sex.
6. Reading sex books together or watching X rated videos will allow each of you to express different likes and dislikes in sexual activities.
Deconstructing the Fuck can become one of your favorite things to share after sex. Try it sometime, for fun and sexual enlightenment. Once mind-reading is eliminated, there’s a vast range of sexual pleasures available for couples at every age. Sexual communication or deconstructing the fuck is a blessing that we can take advantage of to improve the quality of our sexlives— like we say here at D&R, “Better Orgasms. Better World.”