I'm Afraid to Have Sex & Get Pregnant

Tue, 03/10/2015 - 08:44
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear doctor Betty,

As you can see, the reason I'm sending this message is because I'm afraid of having sex and I would really appreciate a wise advise right now.

I'm 18 years old and I've been always very curious and open about my sexuality, but recently I found out one of my best friends is pregnant and she's just one year older than me. I know for sure that happened to her because she was very irresponsible and wasn't on any birth control method, in fact the guy came inside her.. but I still am really afraid even thought I am very cautious and careful when it comes to that.

I haven't had sex but I've masturbated A LOT since it can remember, therefore I really really want to have sex, because it's not the pain I'm afraid of, but the idea of getting pregnant at a young age.

Sorry if I made any grammar or vocabulary mistakes, but my mother language is Spanish.  Thank you very much. I'll be waitin your response.

Dear M,

We need to understand that masturbation is having sex. It's the most consistent satisfaction we will have in our lifetimes. Sex with another person, while it can be very exciting, includes so many other elements. Partner sex often ends up not all that satisfying, especially when it comes to a woman's orgasm.

Most of our sexual activity today is based on the male model of a penis thrusting inside a vagina. This is the procreative model of sex that works for men but rarely results in orgasm for women. And to top it off, women are mostly responsible for managing birth control. While a guy can wear a condom, he can afford to be more casual about it because he doesn't end up with an unwanted child. So don't be in such a hurry to have the kind of sex that's likely to leave you without any satisfaction with an orgasm.

Before you "go all the way" just make sure you have your birth control mastered. Soon an over the counter diaphragm will be available with one size fits all. You didn't mention the kind of birth control you are currently using. That must come fist before "going all the way" with a boy. Be Safe!

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Intercourse is a side dish, not the main course

Sat, 03/14/2015 - 15:34

Dear M,

It's natural to want to extend your solo sex to partner sex. However, many of us think that only penis-in-vagina intercourse qualifies as 'having sex', because that's the way our society still tends to define it. But PIV sex is only one possible form of hetero sex, and it's not the most satisfying one for many people. For many women, the stimulation in typical intercourse is too indirect. For men, there is all that totally unnecessary anxiety about size and 'lasting a long time'. And there is the fear of pregnancy to contend with. Committed couples who get to know one another very well can have fabulous sex that includes intercourse, but for young people experiencing their first partner sex, intercourse is often a disappointment rather than a joy. It helps to have realistic expectations and a sense of humor; our first sexual experiences often involve a lot of trial and error, some of it pretty awkward and amusing. Getting to know ourselves and our orgasms first through solo masturbation is extremely important, as regular readers of D&R already know. I would also seriously suggest learning as much as you can about oral and manual sexual techniques. Our hands and mouths are capable of far more subtle caresses than any penis or vagina, and there is little or no risk of unwanted pregnancy. Of course, as Betty says, you do need to learn about contraception too. It might help to think of intercourse as a potentially enjoyable form of intimacy that has its place, but not necessarily at the center of your sex life with your partners. Most young men are going to have the same misconception you do that 'having sex' means having intercourse. You and your partners could have a lot of fun disproving this old cliché! If you find the right kind of curious, flexible partner, he will be as interested as you are in going beyond the stereotype of intercourse-centered sex and exploring all of the many other ways there are to share enjoyment.

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