I Felt More Like a Sexual Being Before I had Penetrative Sex

Wed, 03/04/2015 - 09:10
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

I have been watching your videos since I was fourteen years old and passing them along to all my friends who failed to have such a holistic and positive sex education. I trust that you will have an insightful answer to my question!

Every since eighth grade, I have always been very sex-positive and regularly masturbated. I had about two sexual partners during the span of high school and the beginning of college, but I never had penetrative sex. I was fine with masturbating and enjoyed it a lot, but I always REALLY wanted to lose my virginity and it was causing me a lot of anxiety (I now see how this desire is influenced by the patriarchal society).

Last summer at the age of 20, I had penetrative sex with my first boyfriend. While the emotional relationship wasn't all that great, the sex was--it was open, respectful, fun, communicative, and exploratory--very ideal. I continued to regularly masturbate on my own even while in the relationship. I had so much desire all the time and it was all so good. We inevitably broke up a few months later due to distance and other reasons, and I emotionally spiraled downward. I think the relationship and break-up brought up some unresolved issues with my parents' divorce, and fear of loss and being alone.

So, I went on a low dose (10 mg of Prozac once a day) to calm the anxiety, and it overall has worked positively. However, now I have zero desire to masturbate and pursue other men. I'm assuming this lack of desire has to do with the Prozac (which I hope to go off of at some point), but also whenever I do masturbate, it is too emotionally painful because I remember how wonderful sexual activity was with him. Also, I think because I built up the idea of having penetrative sex so much in my head, and now that it has happened, there is less to be desired.

I try to not get frustrated at myself because I know that will only make things worse, but more than anything I want to go back to feeling sexual with myself and others again. It's not a matter of lacking self-esteem because overall I think I have a positive body image, it's more just about lacking the desire that I once had. Isn't it strange how I felt more like a sexual being before I had penetrative sex?

Any advice you have about emotionally getting back into the sexual game and increasing my once strong desire for sex would be much appreciated!

Thank you, Betty.

Dear L,

It's my opinion the med is your problem. Life will always dish out some difficult times and down periods, but as long as we turn to anti-depressants we will never solve these emotional problems. Instead we get a new problem like losing our desire for sex. Personally I'd prefer feeling anxious to not having any sexual interest, especially to masturbate and to enjoy my own orgasms.

Yes, what you call "penetrative sex" is all about "Romantic Love" where we feel lost without our beloved.....Or any beloved. The cure for this is to continue with your own personal orgasms until the next one comes along. The healthy attitude is KNOWING you will always be your own best lover. Boyfriends come and go but the love affair with yourself remains constant (w/o medication).

Next time you are hit with a human emotion that's uncomfortable, try talk therapy rather than seeking a quick fix with a med. Or just embrace a physical activity and run or swim off it off until it passes. Also Yoga and meditation helps. Just stay away from doctors who are too quick to prescribe a damn pharmaceutical drug that causes more problems than it solves. This too shall pass.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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