I Want Him to be My First Simply Because He's Experienced

Mon, 02/02/2015 - 08:49
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I don't know if you remember me, but I emailed you a while back in the Summer regarding my situation. I'll recap fast. I e-mailed you seeking your advice regarding me sleeping with a guy, while I was over in London for an exchange trip. How I wanted to do it because I'm single and never had sex before. I'm 19 and he's 32. Now over the summer he told me he was married, and I was pissed because he did not disclose that information in the first place. So we stopped talking. After four months went on by without talking he contacts me back in December. Over Christmas he tells me he still wants to fuck me.

Now I'm at a crossroads. I'm single and still never had sex. I'm not romantically nor emotionally attracted. I don't want him as a partner. I want him to be my first simply because he's experienced, he's attractive, knows what I like and want, and would give me the best sex. I know its wrong because he's married. But this not an emotional thing nor is he leaving his spouse after we get together. It's simply physical from both ends.

I need your advice. You have so much experience. I know I can't ask anyone else because they would judge or tell me I'm a mistress, slut, whore. I'm choosing to be single and as a woman who's never had sex before, I really don't want my first time to be with some horny 19 year old boy who doesn't know what he's doing and thinks he penis is his only weapon of choice. Now I know all boys are like that. But for right now I want my first time to be with a guy who's experienced, knows my body and turn-ons, who would be gentle, and willing to do anything I asked because he cares about how I would feel during sex.

Betty, please I need your advice for lack of a better word. Also I promise you i'm not some naive, stupid, dumb young woman. I know what i'm getting into and what i'm getting out of it. Just I want some advice from a woman who's had some experience herself. Thank you and keep up the great work!

Dear S,

From all that you've said, I'd go ahead and have sex with him. Providing you have some form of birth control. You have considered this from different points of view and it's not up to us to judge his marital status. Just don't forget this years later when you're married and discover hubby is screwing around. Yes, it happens all the time and there's sweet little we can do about it. As a single young career woman living in NYC, I actually preferred married men. I was only interested in sex while their wives had to deal with the problems that are the natural part of being in any relationship.

I like the fact that you are clear about NOT getting involved with him. But I warn you in advance, that when sex is good it can be very powerful and there could be a strong attraction/attachment on either one of your parts. That's the danger.

My first time was with the proverbial handsome dark stranger with a one night stand. I was 20 and he was in his mid 30's. Although he pursued me I refused to respond b/c we didn't use any birth control and I had to sweat out a couple of weeks until I got my period. I was furious with him (and myself). So birth control is first and foremost. Can I assume he will remain in London while you will return to the states? That's even better. Be sure to keep a diary including our emails.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Thinking of somebody besides oneself

Mon, 02/02/2015 - 12:56

S, this question has come up before. It's true that somebody experienced and skilled is going to make for a much better first-time experience. However, it's not trivial that this man is married. Does he have a trusting partner at home who would be hurt by his having outside sex? If you think this is irrelevant, please think again. Betty is right that there's a danger of becoming attached to this person if you have good sex; sex is meant to bond people together. There is the real possibility that one or both of you will want to meet again and again, which might well disrupt his marriage. There could be children involved---collateral damage of several kinds. Do you really want this kind of negative potential baggage to be tied up with the first time you have good sex? Do you really want to help a devious person to deceive their partner? If you were in an exclusive relationship yourself, would you like somebody to do this to you? For me, the point is that this guy is hardly the only fish in the sea. There are many experienced unattached lovers in the world. Why not choose one of them?

Do I understand this right?

Mon, 02/02/2015 - 17:00
Dotty (not verified)

You are 19, abroad for the first time, in London and have no better things to do than worrying about f...ing a married man? Come on girl, go out, go partying, go see things, discover this incredible city, meet people, make friends and then the right man (hopefully honest, more or less your age and NOT married) will automatically come along!

Let's not overly simplify even brief sexual encounters

Tue, 02/03/2015 - 07:53
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

The letter from S is chockfull of innocent assumptions. For a moment I was sceptical of its authenticity. Thought someone wrote it tongue in cheek in order to revitalize the comments section.  
However, I'm taking it at face value, thankful for the chance of reminiscing the past decades ago.
Young I was in the same assumption with S of older men as a better bet in first romantic encounters. 
Older men can be nicer as mates and companions.
But, that is the case only if they happen to have average personal integrity, healthy values and if their close relationships are unproblematic. Naturally he needs to meet the criteria that you might want to set for anyone else you think of wanting to know intimately.
A sexual relationship, however brief, is something that has to do with intimacy, if you expect to have fond memories of it later.
Intimacy is precious and cannot usually be obtained in a jiffy.
Intimacy means things associated with maturity like self-knowledge, self-acceptance and  appreciation of the facts of reality.
A prescription for shipwreck is to act from lack of humility, to overly simplify something that cannot in itself be made easier or simpler.    
Age is a poor indicator of a person's psychological health and balance.
A younger man, someone even younger than yourself, can be level-headed and suitable to be a partner for the first time or for a life. 
You cannot escape the process of bringing up the less rosy facts of the planned romantic, intimate encounter if you want to save yourself from a potentially unpleasant lesson of life. 
I believe you, S, when you say you are not naive or gullible.
It's perfectly ok for a 19 year old not to have expertise in the area of relationships yet. And, it is true, no one can guarantee a completely risk-free sexual encounter, ever.
Even though there are several persons' concerns at stake, I would prioritize your own interests.
It is usually enough for an adult to carry responsibility of oneself. This is plenty if you do it properly.
If your main motivation is the assumed interest of the third or fourth party, you are operating on hear-say and outside of your reasonable human boundaries. 
An unsuspecting wife and offspring at the background? What do we know of them? Very little. Only what your prospective rendezvous-partner has chosen to divulge. And his reliability we already are familiar with.
We can speculate this is not the first time the husband generously agrees to assist with a woman in distress outside of the limitations of his marriage.
Who is to tell if the wife and the children were better off without the shallow dad and husband.  He may be a pain in their neck living at their expence emotionally for years.

How do you expect the guy knows what you like? Since he's older? He most likely doesn't. And he doesn't have to.

Forget the scenario of him being the active one.
It is you who needs to know what you like and find a way to implement the practice in the session together.
You may never succeed in the implementation, and still enjoy fully your partnered-sex the rest of your life.
It is you yourself who is the expert of what you like. Your pleasure is up to your own curiosity, learning and skills in self-pleasuring.
Wishing you well, S, whatever you do.
L.S.

Lizzie, I too was wondering

Tue, 02/03/2015 - 09:49

Lizzie, I too was wondering how in the heck S can know how good this guy might be in bed, and how she can be so positive that he (more than anyone else) would perfectly understand her desires. I also wondered about the sincerity of the post. And age doesn't necessarily correlate with maturity, as you properly point out. In effect, I think you're suggesting caution and not having unrealistic expectations of a glorious introduction to sex that she'll always look back upon fondly. There's no reason for S to put her sexual fate entirely in someone else's hands; she needs to become familiar with her own sexuality on her own and for herself.

However, people are so interconnected that I don't think we can ignore the potential impact of our behavior on others. It's quite in line with reality to assume that this man has a partner who would probably be hurt by his going behind her back to have sex. Maybe he's a jerk and she would be better off without this man; maybe she's a jerk too and also has affairs. We really don't know. But if we're going to behave honorably ourselves, we cannot 'prioritize our own interests' as if other peoples' interests were purely speculative and we could conclude absolutely nothing about the kinds of actions that might affect their well-being. As a general principle, dishonesty within an intimate relationship is hurtful, and in my opinion refusing to participate in deception is reason enough to steer clear of such affairs. I'm also with Dotty, in that S has a fabulous, exciting city to explore and she's apparently got tunnel vision about how to spend her time. If she makes friends and prioritizes having a great time in general, not just sexually, she'll be building memories that she really will look back on with great fondness.

Making our own mistakes, owning our decisions and choices

Tue, 02/03/2015 - 11:50
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

Patrick, I absolutely agree with you saying:
... "As a general principle, dishonesty within an intimate relationship is
hurtful, and in my opinion refusing to participate in deception is
reason enough to steer clear of such affairs".
What I was trying to bring up was, whatever a person decides, it is sound thinking to find justifications for it from their own personal experience and value system instead of being motivated externally. 
You may find this less important hair-splitting plus a hopeless generalization. But I think it is crucial for us to find personal motivation basis for our choices, specially moral or ethical ones.
At any rate, we are better at keeping up with our decisions if we internalize they are personally the best ones for us because of own best interest.
There is a substantial difference if the decision not to socialize romantically with married men is formed 
a) because I know it is my best option at the moment and in line with my aim to take care of myself as well as possible, or, b) since I refuse to participate in deception and, since dishonesty is hurtful.
Placing one's own interest first does not always indicate a person is greedily chasing short-term gratification at the expense of others.
She may be able to focus on her well-being in a unique way from a wider perspective over a longer period of time.
Not all married men are alike. Situations vary. 
In S's situation she might, after thinking things through, find this particular married man in this situation too demanding and laborious, not worth the trouble. Or, she might reach opposite view.
This self-exploration experience may affect her attitude towards other married men in the future. There is accuracy and realism in her decision. She is motivated and able to keep up with it. She owns her stance. No one other than she herself has made this choice.
She is confident and proud as she came to the conclusion by herself, her own best interest at the top of the list.
It's questionable if a young person ever learns from other people's well-meaning advise. This is very individual.
Many of us have to make our own mistakes, I'm afraid. And hope the costs will remain reasonable for us and the other parties.
After a few experiences we hopefully learn something and get motivated from our own self-experienced moral core instead of merely abiding by outwardly defined rules.

You can do better

Tue, 02/03/2015 - 14:43

You can do better than this. If you're coming to stay in one of the best cities in the world, why on earth would you want to throw that experience away on a sad loser like this? A 32 year old man with a failed or failing marriage, looking to hook up with a woman nearly half his age from half way across the world?

The odds are against him turning out to be confident (why is he still married?) caring (what about the wife?) or great in bed (failed marriages rarely have great sex, so he's either sad or desperate). & yes I know I'm stereotyping but isn't he just a really sad cliche.

So come to London, party like there's no tomorrow in clubs and pubs around town without committing to bring "dad" along to spoil the fun. There will be plenty of men and women looking to hook up from all around the world, if that's what you want but there's so much more to do here as well. You could even throw in some culture if you can find the time.

Come and make some great memories!

Thank You

Tue, 02/03/2015 - 15:16

[= 12.8000001907349px]First off I just want to say thank you to everyone for being respectful with the comments you posted here. I would like to say I was being completly sincere when writing this and wasn't expecting Betty to put it on her blog. I would also like to say that I made a mistake in my writing, I meant to say I know all boys my age are NOT all like that. I hadn't realized my mistake till after I sent it. I completley agree with everyone who has commented here. Please let me say I have not made my final decesion in regarding my thing with him. Not at all and that's exactly why I emailed Betty for some advice.  After reading Betty's response I'm leaning towards no than yes. I did agree to meet with him in public so we can sit down with each other.  But I did not agree to sleep with him. I could go over there and meet a guy completly unattached, attrattive and respetful and forget about this guy.  I do not go after married men or men that are taken. And moving foward I'm only intrested in single and unattached. He does not have any children and if he did I would break it off. Not even considering it. I know its naive to think age goes with maturity or sex skills. So I could meet him and not feel chemistry so that goes into cosedration as well . I'm sorry if my comments are a little disoranted. Also when I go to London I have many more things planned that are going along with my future so believe me sleeping with guys are a very small componet of my trip there. So thank you all so much for the respectful comments and while I have not made a 100% decesion regarding this I'm leaning towards no. I've considered all the pros and cons and you're right. How do I know if this guy is good in bed? Will he meet any of my desires? I've taken that all into consideration as well. I have never had an affair with anyone since I have never been with anyone romantically or sexually and do not actively seek out affairs with married men. I've always taken my pleasure into account so I know what I like. All I was trying to when writing this letter is be honest and open and hopefully find some sound advice from someone who's lived and expereinced. Thank you. Also to @NorthLondon you're right! I can do better and I cannot wait to explore your amazing city![/]

Our own reasons

Tue, 02/03/2015 - 16:30

Lizzie, I find myself substantially agreeing with many of your posts and I appreciate the thought you put into them. I believe I also see what you're saying about having our own life experiences and preferences shape our decisions. I hesitated to tell S to do whatever she felt was best, first because she asked for advice (although as it turns out only from Betty), and second because, without any condescension, her own life has been short enough that she may not have the life-experiences necessary to make the most informed decision. That does seem to be why she wrote to Betty in the first place. If she were super-confident of making the right decision on her own, she would not have bothered to ask anyone else's opinion. So yes, S's personal interests are indeed important, but to me they include other factors besides whether or not to sleep with this man: her self-respect, her long-term health, the actions that her future self might have to live with. She certainly does need to learn from her experiences, but she herself asked for guidance because she doesn't want to start her sexual life with bad experiences. No one can make her decisions for her, but asking for input from others is legitimate and can be a part of making her own final decision. It looks as if she's thinking about all these issues already. I don't know where S is from (I would guess somewhere in continental Europe), so getting to London may be a matter of a relatively short plane ride rather than a long transatlantic or transpacific journey. Whatever the case, I join everyone in wishing her the best.

@patrick @lizzie

Tue, 02/03/2015 - 17:45

I just wanted to say you both are absolutely right.  I felt like I needed some guidance from someone who has lived through life and has decades of experience.  To inform my decision.  I also appreciate your comments as well and I value them.  I know I don't know anyone personally but I value you your opinion because I can assmue that you have had to live through life and learn from your experiences and mistakes. I am from continetial Europe so its not a huge trip for me a huge trip as I short trip from London.  I value the comments on here and everybody's honesty.  Like I said I'm leaning towards no moreso than yes.  If some small chance I do say yes,  than I would make it clear that we would only meet once and move the hell on.  But like I said I'm leaning towards no.  I value everyones opinion and thank you again for the well wishes on my journey. 

Thank you, Selma

Tue, 02/03/2015 - 18:43

Whatever your decision, you are a thoughtful young woman and I am sure that you will give careful consideration to all the factors involved in this situation. Best wishes again and have a wonderful time in London.

Dear Selma

Wed, 02/04/2015 - 15:51

I'd like to add a few things to the conversation that may or may not help you.
You are not in any way "late" to having sex. Take your time. You can't put a deadline on it. It's about finding the right level of maturity within yourself, not to mention people and circumstances.

NO MAN or boy will know your body and turn ons/offs from the start. It's awkward and requires a shitload of communication. You need to accept this and know your own body and sexual response well.

An "experienced man" is not in any way guaranteed to be good in bed, or even conciderate. Find a person you have really good sexual and personal chemistry with - regardless of age.

You can also find a person you're less excited about and just do partial experimentation and just work your way up that way. Finding out about what you want and like gradually. Do some kissing here and there. :-)

DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT! It's special and it's not at the same time.

Daz all!

dear Selma

Wed, 03/04/2015 - 07:01
wormwoodbush (not verified)

Hun, I'd advise you to decide NO. I've been in your shoes and also in 'his' wife's shoes and I can tell you now, it really hurts when you get cheated on, it's a hurt that cannot be described. You also run the risk of his wife coming after you if she finds out who you are. I know I wanted to hurt the sluts (I really hate that  word, I reserve it for especially deserving women only) that slept with my partners (it's happened to me twice! ), so take that into account as well please. I have a promiscuous married friend who has persued me for years (for sex and for love), while he was married and while he was between marriages. I gave in once and slept with him before he married his second wife, he was with her though. Afterwards I felt really guilty and generally awful as I'd assisted him in cheating. I was well experienced sexually when this happened. I can't begin to imagine how much worse I'd have felt if it had been my first time or while I was inexperienced! I also had a one night encounter after the above event, with a man who never told me that he had a girlfriend. When I found out, I was really angry at him, especially because he was asking for another encounter, but also because he had deceived me. I felt guilty even though I didn't know before we did it. I care about other people's feelings and that's why I felt guilty! If you also care about other's feelings, I'd advise against sleeping with him. The final thing I'd like to add, is, if he's willing to cheat by sleeping with you, how many others has he had sex with and what potential STD's is he likely to be carrying? The last thing you want is your first time to end in the picking up of a nasty infection or worse still, one that can't be cured like herpes! Go out, have fun, meet people and someone will cross your path that makes you look twice and your heart to flutter! Your first time should be with someone you're attracted to, take it from someone who didn't have that experience! I didn't lose my virginity till I was almost 21, you have plenty of time, don't rush it. Oh and don't believe your first time will be like in the movies, or 50 shades of grey or mills and boon. It'll be awkward, uncoordinated, probably embarrassing, but it can still be loving, gentle and lots of fun. No matter what, hun, it'll be memorable

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