Below is a recent question I received from a young woman. I'm noticing that more and more women want to know "how can I stop ejaculating?" So I asked some of my friends - the experts - to weigh in:
"I'm in my early 30's and have masturbated since I was a young child. I first experienced "squirting" in my teens and intermittently through out my late 20's. However, much to my dismay the frequency of squirting has increased over the past five years. I urinate before I engage in any sexual activity hoping this will dissuade the "squirting" but it doesn't seem to help. These days I masturbate much more with clitoral vibrators which I love, love, love!
I can achieve multiples with vibrators but after the first two successive orgasms I tend to squirt. This can be messy and I really dislike it. I don't want rubber sheets or a trail of towels all over the place. I sometimes avoid engaging in any form of sexual activity because of this. As you might imagine this is frustrating because I love sex. Please tell me if you know of any exercises or remedy's that may help control this. I have no children, and I'm in good shape, I don't think I have a weak bladder except when this happens. Please help!"
For years I was asked how to find the G spot and ejaculate. More recently, women are asking me how to stop ejaculating. Since the G Spot book came out in 1982 announcing a new kind of orgasm from vaginal stimulation, I have struggled to understand this since I had no personal experience. But honestly, I never liked the concept and questioned it. This “new orgasm” happened by pressing up into the vaginal ceiling with a finger which could result in “female ejaculation.” The book was filled with testimonials one more ecstatic than the last. The authors claimed the G-spot freed us from the idea of vaginal vs. clitoral orgasm. Just like there were two ways for men to climax, from the penis and the prostate gland; the same was true for women.
After reading that statement, I knew we were in trouble. From experience I can testify there are damn few men who will allow anyone near their precious assholes, let alone penetrate and vigorously stimulate a prostate. That's advanced intimacy for most straight dudes. Even some gay men avoid anal penetration and prefer “frottage” or sharing “hand jobs.” Well, on second thought, not all that surprising really. Many sex researchers are not what I’d call “sexually sophisticated” living in traditional monogamous marriages cloistered in Ivory Towers of academia.
After seventies feminists had reinstated the clitoris as our primary sex organ for pleasure, now everyone was diving back inside vaginas searching for some stupid spot. I concluded that G-spot orgasms were just a new name for vaginal orgasms, still America's number one favorite sex. It's no accident fucking feels so good— it was designed that way to encourage procreation.
Since I could find no information online about how to stop ejaculating, I decided to ask the three authors Alice Laddas, Beverly Whipple and John Perry to see if they had any answers about ending female ejaculation.
Alice Laddas responded first: “As for stopping squirting I have no advice. Hopefully Beverly will. But maybe she will say, like me, why stop it? I am not an ejaculator but I hear it’s a very pleasant experience. Perhaps she should masturbate under water like the heroine of the Mitchell brothers educational porno film “The Grafenberg Spot” did until she learned it was a good experience and came out of the water closet.”
Beverley Whipple: “We never studied squirting or gushing. The analyses of fluids that we conducted and published were on female ejaculation, a fluid expelled from the urethra that looks like watered-down fat free milk, is about a teaspoon (3-5 cc’s) in volume, is reported to taste sweet and not smell like urine, compared to urine from the same subject. Milan Zaviacic, MD from Slovakia published results similar to those we published in The Journal of Sex Research and in his book on the female prostate. I know others have written about the G spot and female ejaculation, such as Debra Sundahl. She wrote about what I and others call squirting or gushing, she calls it female ejaculation. I could find no studies in which she did an analysis of the fluid compared to urine, but Alice wrote the foreword to her book, so she should know a lot more about this than I do. I don’t know what to say to someone who wants to stop squirting. I know it is not female ejaculation, as has been demonstrated in two published studies recently, one from Mexico and Italy and another from France. If it feels good to her, then why stop? As you know, I am pleasure oriented, not goal oriented, and I hope people don’t set up any of my research findings as a goal. Do let me know what you decide to tell the people who ask you about squirting.”
Sorry Beverley, but the market place was instantly glutted with G spot toys in response to Americas obsession to discover this new orgasm. This was followed by a porn industry hungry for new visuals. Voila! Female ejaculation or “Squirting” was an exciting visual and an instant hit! His finger aimed at the ceiling inside her vagina vigorously thrusting did the trick. Besides, a penis would block squirting visuals, so his or her fingers were best, especially for camera angles. Once fingers replaced penises it was a huge relief for men with tentative erections or full blown ED. Lesbians were first to discover female ejaculation and they were also the first demographic studied by research scientists.
John Perry: When I emailed John, I asked him why he thought I’d never squirted. He said the reason I didn’t ejaculate was when I did Kegels, I always lifted up. He went on to say, “If for some reason you WANT to ejaculate, you have to change the ‘lifting up' to ‘pushing out.' But don't do it if you won't be able to go back to your original pattern!" Then he went on to say, that personally, he didn't care for female ejaculation, mostly because he didn't like sleeping on the wet spot. I can't imagine anyone who would. We had an extensive email exchange while I gathered as much information as I could. John was always very obliging and generous with his time.
Finally, I turned to my friend Deborah Sundahl who teaches Female Ejaculation to get her front line information based on experience. Deborah was in a busy spell and said it was possible to stop but she’d have to get back to me in a few days. Meanwhile I re-read sections of her book, Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot. This time around, I realized the emotional importance she placed on her G spot orgasms that took place inside her vagina and required surrendering to the desire to urinate. Once she could let go, her “feminine fountain released the divine waters of ecstasy.” She even said that “Perhaps Father Freud was right” which meant, vaginal sensations were superior to clitoral sensations. Personally, I’d like to throttle that old Victorian psychiatrist who claimed my clitoral orgasms were “infantile.” I claim Freud was a premature ejaculator!
Nonetheless, Deborah’s book led me to reconsider the importance of vaginas and what they offered women in terms of emotional pleasure, especially combined with orgasms! When she used terms like “surrendering” and “releasing her divine waters” it’s what so many women long for. Deborah is quite feminine with her abundant blond curls, sweet smile and gentle voice. Although I’ve been more butch since my forties, in my youth, I was ultra feminine as I struggled desperately to have “mature vaginal orgasms” in full make-up and high heels.
Finally in my late twenties I was able to enjoy consistent vaginal orgasms during my love affair with a Spaniard who was not circumcised. Juan never directly touched my clitoris, but kept the head of his penis just at my vaginal opening, slightly moving his moist glans, teasing me until I’d urgently pull him in for full penetration. After several minutes, I’d ask permission to get on top which he granted. Then after a few more minutes, I’d orgasm, followed by his ejaculation. Finally, I had my mature vaginal orgasms which could mean only one thing— I’d found true love!
For me, romantic love has always been a state of temporary emotional insanity where I surrender my power completely. We got engaged and I was going to move to Spain with him and live happily ever after. Until my best friend Marcy talked some sense into me. Could I really see myself wearing a mantilla dragging a bunch of our kids to Catholic Church several times a week including every Sunday? I was twenty-eight, a free spirited artist dedicated to the classical nude who didn’t speak a word of Spanish. I finally agreed.
So yes, I’m fully aware of the profound longing in women to orgasm from a man’s penis inside our vaginas. Today those same longings manifest in girls and women who want to stop using vibrators and use their fingers instead. That way they can orgasm from their lover’s fingers which is want most guys also want to happen. Again I understand: I had orgasms like that at thirty-six when my post marital lover did gentle clitoral stimulation while at the same time fucking slowly. I’d break out into wild orgasmic bliss, laughing and crying simultaneously from each profound release! Once again, I was “in love” and utterly dependent on him for my best orgasms. The power struggle began! We were off and on for months until we agreed to date other people and still get together for sex. That worked for the next five years until we stopped sharing physical sex and became friends and colleagues working together periodically.
The G Spot book said women who had this response naturally blocked orgasms because they believed they were urinating. The authors encouraged women to embrace this so they could enjoy sex with a partner and still have orgasms once they understood it was NOT urine. Instead it was a natural response in some women. Still, no one seemed to know what they were ejaculating if it wasn’t urine. Many years later laboratory tests determined female ejaculate was fresh dilute urine with a bit of prostate fluid mixed in. So what? Urine is antiseptic and used in most cosmetic products. For a couple of years I explored Uropothy by ingesting an ounce of my own morning urine like my Yoga instructor did. It’s an ancient Ayurvedic method of healing.
Deborah Sundhal: “First let's address the issue of not liking female ejaculation. Perhaps no one has really mentioned to you the ultra feminine nature that is female ejaculation. Nor perhaps have you had the opportunity to fully enjoy its delightful and downright inspiring fragrance. I hope you take advantage of this the next time you ejaculate by putting you nose into it and taking a big, magnificent whiff! And thoroughly appreciate its lovely scent and delicate essence for this is what the feminine - you my dear - create when aroused and feeling pleasure throughout your erotic body - a divine perfume!
Considering the vile names and attitudes towards the female erotic body over the last 1,000 years by religion, names which I will not repeat here, female ejaculation is definitely the Truth of female sexuality, and something to be grateful for and honored by others. I wonder if a partner of yours doesn't like it. This is usually the first reason why women don't want to ejaculate anymore.
As for messiness, could it be that you have not discovered the joys of fleece blankets over crackling rubber sheets? How easy they are to pop into the washer, too! That said, sometimes women control their ejaculate when ejaculating is not a good idea: For example, a bed other than your own, or the cloth car seats. The way a woman learns to control her ejaculate, is the same way she learns how to let go and let it flow: pelvic floor muscle awareness. Most women who ejaculate a large quantity many times in one lovemaking session, or who ejaculate almost too easily, have let go of their pelvic floor muscle function in regard to ejaculate. These are the same muscles that women use to NOT let ejaculate flow. Each are on extreme opposite ends of a spectrum of control: one controls it completely with incredible muscle tension, often chronic, and the other controls it not at all with muscles that are lax.
I would advise seeing a physical therapist or female practitioner who works with the pelvic floor muscles. They can help you identify, feel, strengthen and gain awareness of your pelvic floor. Pelvic floor muscles have only recently got the attention of the medical field, and treating them and working with them is more in-depth than applying Kegel exercises to the ‘pc muscles.’ With awareness, I am certain you can learn to control your ejaculate - as can men!”
I thank my colleagues for their time and expert information. However, a serious problem remains: far too many young girls believe if they didn’t squirt, they didn’t orgasm. And boys are obsessed with making their girlfriends “ejaculate” which is proof he’s done a good job and can be classified as a “good lover.” Most young men today are dedicated to giving their lovers an orgasm. An article from Men’s Health Magazine tilted “How to Make a Girl Come” has remained at the top of our “most clicked on” list over the past four years. That’s why my web partner Carlin wrote her book with the same title. Except right off, she states what I’ve said since the seventies “We are each responsible for our own orgasms.” Women are not “Sleeping Beauties” who remain sexually dormant until Prince Charming kisses, fingers, licks, or fucks her awake with her first orgasm!
The same as boys, girls need to gain sexual awareness from touching their sex organ by masturbating in childhood or at least during puberty. Some don’t start until they are adults. Once a woman’s orgasms are in place, she can share them with a partner. Sex is like any other skill; it must be learned and then practiced. Is it any wonder why young girls today are lost not knowing what feels good or what an orgasm feels like with only porn available for educating our kids about sexual pleasure? Porn is entertainment for adult men and doesn’t address women’s desires or needs for sexual pleasure.
Perhaps one of the reasons I avoided obsessive romantic love with women was because we did Partner Assisted Masturbation which was an easier transition for heterosexual women wanting to explore woman sex. Today, this kind of sexual sharing among both straight and gay couples would make the world a far happier place. Instead of creating a sexual dependency with the top giving the bottom an orgasm, we took turns and communicated what we desired. Thus sharing orgasms was mutual. We also moved beyond sexual dependency which is limited in spite of the fact America thinks it defines “true love.” As long as we live under the misogynistic demands for serial monogamy (primarily practiced by women), the destructive sexual double standard will remain intact.
It has been documented that the clitoral body is far more extensive than most realize. That little pearl peeking out from under the hood at the top of the vulva is just the tip of the iceberg. Besides the clitoral glans and shaft that's visible, the internal clitoral structure consists of the legs, bulbs, and urethral sponge. These interior parts are all erectile tissue that becomes engorged with blood during sexual arousal. Women have nearly the same amount of erectile tissue as men, except most of ours is internal. The glans, hood, shaft, legs, and vestibular bulbs, are organs solely meant for a woman's sexual pleasure.
The feminist collective that wrote, A New View of a Woman's Body included the inner lips, the urethral and perineal sponge as part of the clitoral body because they too engorge during sexual arousal and contributed to sexual pleasure. Simon & Shuster published the book in 1981 only to have it quickly disappear when someone finally “got it!” One chapter that described the simple procedure of “Menstrual Extraction” would eliminate their biggest political red herring; ending abortion to save “babies” in an over populated world running out of resources.
My friend Becky Chalker, one of the editors for A New View of a Woman’s Body and author of The Clitoral Truth, recently said: "All orgasms are clitoral in that they are stimulated through the ‘pudendal nerve’ that should be called the ‘clitoral nerve.’ People have tried to designate orgasms as vaginal, g-spot or uterine, but they are ALL clitoral.”
Today the hot topic is "female sexual dysfunction." Smart therapists, sexologists and sex educators all agree: there’s nothing wrong with women's sexuality. Instead it's our cultural definition of how we have sex that's the problem. After a lifetime of working “hands on” teaching women about orgasm in the feminist sex trenches, I conclude: How a woman stimulates her clitoris during masturbation is what she’s entitled to bring into her partner sex. I call this the “Combination Orgasm.”