Is There Some Way I Could Go Back to Needing Less Intense Pressure Directly on My Clit?

Wed, 12/03/2014 - 09:14
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Dr. Betty:

I have been using vibrators on my clit since I was about 20 (before that I was a dedicated squeeze/pressure/tension gal). I'm now 40. Over the years, I find that I have to bear down and apply more and more direct vibration in order to get any sort of stimulation that builds. I'm not after speed of orgasm here, just trying to find a way to get myself off/let a partner get me off. I'm reliably orgasmic - but only with enough firm direct stimulation. I'm the one who holds the vibe tightly and directly against my clit and wishes I could press it tighter - just to have a chance to feel something.

I have tried over and over to use a lighter touch and just let it build slowly, but it seems like there is a threshhold of pressure/vibration below which I have no measurable response. I've set aside the time (a bunch of times) and attempted to spend a nice quiet hour going at it slowly and gently. But when after the first 20-30 minutes I don't feel a damned thing, I get bored. Then I either press down hard with the vibe (old reliable) or I quit. I incorporate vaginal stimulation most of the time, which is nice but not decisive as to whether I orgasm or not.

I'm concerned because as the years have gone on, the level of intensity/pressure that I need in order for orgasm to be even a possibility has increased. I have a few different (quality!) vibrators, but only some of them are intense enough for me - and even those, only on the highest (and uninterrupted - no pulsing) setting.

I am worried that I am gradually no longer going to be responsive to fingers or a tongue - as it is, only the most patient lovers (with the strongest tongues/necks/fingers/wrists - they're down there for a really long time) can get me there. This isn't the way that it always was. Is there some way that I could go back to needing less intense pressure directly on my clit? I've been through your instructions for "first time orgasm", but I get stuck because without the heavy pressure, I just don't get any sort of response to build on.

Dear M,

At 40 your body is changing and will continue to do so especially during and after menopause. So forget those past ways that worked like oral and manual from a partner. Throughout my seventies I had fabulous partner sex using the Magic Wand on the low setting while my beautiful young lover fucked me in a variety of positions. Double penetration, a butt plug in my anus and his lovely penis moving in and out of my well oiled vagina while I held the Wand gently near my clit was a consistent winner for us both. Get my e-book "Orgasms for Two" where I show different positions in partner sex while using a vibrator. Otherwise it's getting rid of the vibrator and practicing for months (?) with manual without any guarantee it will work. I say technology is here to stay.

Using pressure on your clit is a cop out and most likely will numb her out. Keep the vibrator moving and avoid pressing down for more sensation. Instead begin using your pelvic floor muscle while breathing fully and rocking you hips back and forth. The Rock n Roll orgasm is a winner and the PC muscle is the key. Check it out online. Also incorporate some hot fantasies to keep your mind occupied instead of "thinking" about how long it's taking. What's the damn hurry anyway? Personally I have always preferred clitoral stimulation with vaginal penetration all at the same time while I cut lose with the dirtiest fantasies I can conjure up. No censorship allowed.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Reading Dr. Dodson's reply, I

Wed, 12/03/2014 - 10:32
Jeffrey65802 (not verified)

Reading Dr. Dodson's reply, I gotta say that was hot imagining. :) Incorporation of a vibrator and anal toys seems so obvious I wonder why use of a vibrator during everyday partnersex isn't the model we teach instead of vibrators being for solo play more so than partnerplay.

Masturbating daily a few times I notice the reduction of semen when I cum and imagine there's just not enough intervening time to replace it, more so than I'm running out or something like that from centuries ago. So if I want more semen when I cum, the solution is obvious, give my body more time in between. So presumedly if a woman's clitoris is getting used to so much pressure, take some time off, let it recover, heal, whatever, then try a lighter touch and see if that helps.

When we exercise, microscopics tears in muscles, and fractures in bones occur. When we rest these heal and grow back stronger than before. If when we masturbate and have sex things become less sensitive I'd think things need a break to recover and heal. Taking a break isn't a lot of fun I grant you, but it might be for the best.

Try getting into other pleasures while giving your clitoris a break for a few days. Admittedly that's like me telling myself to give my dick a break, and that's not likely to happen, but it'd be the thing to do if I were experiencing lack of sensitivity.

Analogy I'd use is chocolate milk mix. When ya stir it up it mixes and you have yummy chocolate milk. If you let it stand a few days the mix settles at the bottom and you get kinda grody spoiled milk with chocolate mix at the bottom. But the point is that things change when you leave them alone. If you fiddle with them they change to. If you want milk and the mix without being mixed togetehr you need to quit stirring it. ...Ok, my analogies suck when I'm hungry. :)

@ 72 ...

Wed, 12/03/2014 - 11:44
barn dog

we found ways to wake up nerve-muscle responses with pure peppermint in a base of aloe and vegetable glycerin named Thieves Waterless Hand Purifier. It has a pleasant tingling touch sensation which sharpens the senses when mixed with V6 massage oil base. Lightly grazing nips, clit, anus, & genitals brings up nice responses easily from the vagus and other nerve systems which ripple through core muscles. 1561965 offers the items mentioned.

I'm not alone!

Fri, 03/06/2015 - 10:53
DarlingNikki (not verified)

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It reads so much like mine. I was about 21 when I discovered a vibrator. Before that, I used running water and hard presses over furniture, never my fingers. The vibrator became my lover and I found that I couldn't orgasm without it. I'm 33 now and I still have trouble orgasming without it a lot of times. I'm also at the point of wondering if my clitoris is broken from too much pressure and vibration, too often. A tongue doesn't do much for me either, because as you mentioned, only the most patient lovers are going to get there with their tongue, and, well, I've not come across any willing to take that challenge. I have been slightly successful with self-fingering stimulation using sexual fantasies and waiting periods, but I still finish up with a vibrator because it's a more intense orgasm. So there is hope that we're not broken at all! I have found it embarrassing to pull the Magic Wand out with new partners for numerous reasons. However, after reading this, I will be more confident when I decide to share with a partner my Magic Wand.

PS - Thanks Dr. Betty for the suggestions of a butt plug and different positions for two using a vibrator! Both are now on my wish list! :)