Is Sex Just a Drive or Is It a Choice?

Thu, 12/11/2014 - 08:54
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

My uncle has prostate cancer, he is on treatment & okay at the moment. In regards to sex my auntie says he has no drive (he hasn't told me), apart from the erection issues (that shouldn't mean no sex).

Is sex just a drive, in a biological sense made of hormones, chemical reactions...Is it of the brain or mind & desire & passion are a must? Or is it a choice, which involves our humanity, reason and freedom? Something we can work on and get stronger with practice, like a muscle, if we decide sex is an important part of our lives.

I thought the sex drive or energy was the same one that takes us out of bed every morning, makes scrambled eggs or paints a still life...until we kick the bucket.

In Eastern medicine with Taoist teachings they recommend withholding ejaculation for health and in Western medicine the opposite. My uncle found out about his cancer when he couldn't ejaculate.

What are your views Dr. Betty? & do you have any suggestions for men with prostate cancer?

Thanks once more.

Hi U,

Sorry to hear about your Uncle's prostate cancer. Like most men, he believes ejaculating semen defines his orgasm. However, men who learn to withhold ejaculation continue to enjoy climaxes without semen as you noted. (Check out our blogger Bila).

Sex is a biological drive when we are young. Mother Nature supports procreation to keep her species flourishing. When over population occurs we get wars and famines as well as natural disasters to thin out the herd. Intelligent societies have family planning. As we age, the so-called "sex drive" becomes more about mental and emotional factors. That's when the brain plays a more important role and sex becomes a way to communicate affection and to create emotional bonds between couples or groups.

You said it quite well my wise young woman: "Sex is a choice, which involves our humanity, reason and freedom. Something we can work on and get stronger with practice, like a muscle, if we decide sex is an important part of our lives."

I maintain my orgasms as a way to reset my brain (like my computer) and to support my bodily health and happiness. So I practice orgasm more like an exercise that encourages self-love. At my advanced age of 85, I get a lot of sex energy by helping women learn to have their own orgasms during my private sessions. Besides teaching sex, reading about sex, answering sex questions online and of course playing with my vibrator, these are all forms of my personal sexual expression.

Your Uncle could get positive sex energy from giving pleasure alone, but again, so many men identify sex as primarily shooting a load. And guess what? Ejaculation in men (as well as women) isn't always the same thing as having an orgasm. It can be part of an orgasmic response but when a guy is beating his meat furiously and coming fast or a women is being fingered rapidly and she "squirts" the body/mind hasn't had sufficient time to build up any heat, passion, desire or sex energy (pick your word) to experience orgasm.

Personally, I'd recommend your Uncle learn to perform the best oral sex for his wife and get a vibrator. That way he can continue to keep a good blood flow to his genitals that feels good while he visualizes his wife's recent full body orgasm that he provided with his tongue on her clitoris and his fingers inside her wet throbbing vagina.

We have a great guy as a blogger who works with men with ED. Paul Nelson no longer ejaculates after he had prostate cancer, but he's alive and well and sexual without semen expulsion. It's really kind of silly to put so much emphasis on male ejaculation but there you have it. You're a caring niece and one of my favorite long distant friends.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time