He Can't Ejaculate When I'm Performing Oral Sex

Sun, 12/28/2014 - 09:36
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I'm not too sure where to start with my question, so I guess I'll just start typing and get to the question when i get to it.

My boyfriend and I are in a long-term relationship with a D/s dynamic. We both love the kinkier side of things ^_^

At one point early on, we both thought it would be fun for me to undertake a kind of training schedule...you know, getting used to anal play (which i do very much enjoy!), practicing with deepthroat, etc.

He watches a lot of porn, and used a few .gifs to show me things he'd like for me to try, and I have been more than willing to do so :) But now...even after the past 18 months, He still can't cum when I'm performing oral sex. Given how much of my training has been focused around mouth-on-cock action, shouldn't he want to cum down my throat?!

I think he may have problems with relaxing to cum that way, but he's told me stories of being with other girls...and it seems like its just me he's having a hard time with.

I'm starting to think maybe he can't cum with me that way, because (A) he masturbates very frequently, and (B) uses porn to achieve most orgasms. Do you think that would cause this kind of issue?

I love him dearly, and I want to do this so badly for him, and he wants it, but we just...can't. Help?!

Dear M,

Well that's not such a big deal is it? Given all that's working out so well in your kinky relationship? You answered your own question: (A) he masturbates very frequently, and (B) uses porn to achieve most orgasms. Oral sex no longer provides adequate stimulation.

Solution: Have him stand up and jack off to porn with you kneeling in front of him ready to receive his load. Just before he's about to let loose, he puts his dick in your open mouth and comes down your throat. After a few more times see if this solves his problem.

OR let your horny piggy BF go a few days without his beloved porn and pay more attention to his devoted slave girlfriend who is willing to go to any lengths to please His Majesty the Baby. AND why do guys always claim that they had "no problem doing 'whatever' with another women" when some kind of sexual block persists with the woman they are currently fucking? Just asking.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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cumming is not such a big deal

Fri, 01/09/2015 - 11:22
Bila K

Dear M, Like Dr. Betty stated: "Well that's not such a big deal is it?" It sounds like you have a robust sex life and are willing to explore new sexual maneuvers which are 2 huge plusses! I think male ejaculation is far overrated and should not always be the grand finale of our sexual acts. Much better to mix things up, edge orgasms, hold off cumming for a few days or weeks, get charged with marvellous sexual energy, then 'thar she blows!'.  I bet if you and your boyfriend invest some time edging orgasms during your solo and paired dalliances, you'll have greater access and enjoyment of those special grand finales. 

Oy, not another orgasm!

Sat, 01/10/2015 - 09:38

I disagree with the school of thought that disparages men's orgasms as 'far overrated', or claims (as Daoism does) that ejaculation 'depletes vitality' and should therefore be minimized as much as possible. There is zero credible evidence for this. On the contrary, men who ejaculate the most have the lowest risk of prostate cancer, among other tangible benefits. For those who enjoy edging, it's possible to edge for an hour or more, have a fabulous orgasm, and then repeat the build-up and orgasm as many times as desired. Both men and women can enjoy all sorts of build-ups and orgasms, from quickies to long, luxurious sessions, depending on their mood and time constraints. How come D&R doesn't have a female blogger who maintains that women's orgasms are not such a big deal, are overrated, and should be limited as much as possible?


Sun, 01/11/2015 - 10:59

You want to inow WHY they do not have a woman here posting something like that about the quality of female  orgasms.........Probibly becuse women are not even having them, that is why! LOL!

I could not resist (wink)

Happy New Year my Friend.

Funny, ORS!

Sun, 01/11/2015 - 11:15

Jeez, I hope you're wrong about so many women 'not even having them'! But we know how widespread sexual ignorance is, hence the need for Betty and Carlin's work. Somehow, I don't think that a woman who thought female orgasms were 'highly overrated' would get a place of honor amongst Betty's bloggers! Happy New Year to you too--all the best.

Porn again...........

Sun, 01/11/2015 - 11:27

Since it was mentioned, I do not think it is off topic here, but Porn was a major factor in a guy I dated with ED. He was so used to the porno standard of sex and what turned him on, that if the script and clothes, and woman, and act deviated from that, and did not follow the porn tapes he was watching, he was unable to become erect...I mean ZERO, ZIP, NADA. He did not tell me he was addicted to porn until a ways down the road when he started to ask me to dress like Sophia Lauren on crack (eyeliner and all) but for the duration of our sex life, it consisted of US always working on HIM all the time EVERY time, and it made me feel frustrated physically and mentally, like a real failure with him and about as sexy as a wet sponge.

SO my point after all this is to provide a point, which would be:

PORN is not really good for anything except someone in prison who has no shot at human contact ever again. Other than that.......look what it is doing to the young men in Japan, "herbivores" I think they are calling themselves, men who PREFER porno and masturbation over human contact. I do not think that is too healthy physically or psychologically on a man or woman.

Just my opion, no haters now.....willing to listen another point of view that would support herbivore men in a society.

Well ORS sexual fantasy

Sun, 01/11/2015 - 16:59
Jake E

is an amazing art form, wether it's in partner sex or masturbation. From imagery to role playing and dress up to games and mental games to novels. Most problems arise when people are selfish. Another problem can be in becoming very voyeuristic when a good fantasy needs a bit of participation. At the video porn site Ifeelmyself the forum use to regularly get requests from members wanting very specific angles and requirements, when with some imagination they could let their imagination animate a still photo. Many people have this classic porn problem with the entire output of regular Hollywood movies and TV. They see what is in reality an unatainable lifestyle and compare their own to it. They are unaroused by their own reality. I think the answer is to consume really good sexual imagery, art and fantasies and be creative and so engaged with our own life and sexuality. The orgasm you get after spending 2 hours writing an erotic story can be pretty amazing!!

Limitless orgasms, judicious ejaculation

Mon, 01/12/2015 - 09:56
Bila K

Patrick, In fact there is a plethora of credible medical evidence highlighting the negative consequences of sexual exhaustion in men and women such as an over-discharged neuro-endocrine system and how this leads to memory loss, headaches, depression, low libido, vision disorders, etc. The Taoists equated the loss of semen with unbalanced emotions, a depressed mental state, and a degeneration of the physical body. Check out the ingredients in semen-vitamins, minerals, trace elements, hormones, enzymes, amino acids, cancer-fighting agents- easy to understand how semen is a wellspring of health and vitality, not a substance to be handled indiscriminately.
As far as "men who ejaculate the most have the lowest risk of prostate cancer, among other tangible benefits", check out my blog (http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/bila-kolbe/2014/02/semen-gets-bad-rap). There is no valid scientific study that supports the above assertion. There are too many uncontrollable human factors(genetics, diet, exposure to toxins, etc.) that obfuscate any research attempts to substantiate a prostate cancer-ejaculation frequency correlation or cause-effect relationship.
"How come D&R doesn't have a female blogger who maintains that women's orgasms are not such a big deal, are overrated, and should be limited as much as possible?" Male and female sexuality share some similar and some different unique attributes, orgasms fall into the latter. However, the idea is not to limit orgasms, but rather to be judicious about how we use our semen, which in most cases is a guy thing.

Sexual exhaustion and orgasms

Fri, 01/16/2015 - 16:29

Bila, I appreciate your point of view and I know that there is a long tradition in some cultures, i.e. Chinese, of regarding male ejaculation as dangerously depleting to the 'life force'. I also know that men can have orgasms without ejaculating. What I don't see the need for is going to tremendous trouble to separate male orgasm from ejaculation. There seems no reason in the modern world to give credence to the ancient Taoist belief that because semen is associated with the production of human life, the 'loss' of semen somehow depletes the life force. I'm sure that 'sexual exhaustion' might be bad for both men and women, just as any kind of exhaustion is bad. However, in my experience people will lose interest in sex and will simply stop before they reach the point of actual exhaustion. Nature is protective in that sense. Only some kind of compulsive behavior would induce a person to force orgasms past the point of enjoyable fulfillment. I agree that without a very carefully designed study, there are too many confounding factors to determine the exact relationship between ejaculation frequency and prostate cancer risk, but I do recall one scientific survey that indicated a link between frequent ejaculation and lower prostate cancer risk. This isn't 'proof' by any means, merely suggestive, but as you point out there isn't any absolute proof at this point about how and why prostate cancers develop.

Male and female orgasms are very much alike in most ways, including subjectively. This makes sense to me since female and male development share the same roots. There are just so many concomitant questions that would arise (and be all but impossible to sort out) if it's postulated that men are harmed by 'frequent' ejaculation. Do women who have undergone oophorectomies suffer a 'loss of vitality' similar to what Taoism attributes to men who 'ejaculate too much'? Women lose eggs with every period---does this deplete their vitality? Do men who have undergone prostatectomies (and who can have orgasms but can't ejaculate) tend to feel more vital or less vital years down the road? While there are many unanswered questions about human sexuality, I personally think that we can trust in our sexual responses and enjoy ourselves without taking extraordinary measures to modify what comes naturally.

The Taoists are right about life force depletion

Fri, 01/16/2015 - 17:57
Bila K

Patrick, Thank you for your comment especially for the path of inquiry it opened. I have responses to 4 of your questions below.

1-“There seems no reason in the modern world to give credence to the ancient Taoist belief that because semen is associated with the production of human life, the 'loss' of semen somehow depletes the life force.”

The Taoists predicated their sexology on two fronts here:

1-that sperm are the highest concentration of life force in a man’s body just as the eggs are in the female.

2-that the sex glands are among the codependent members of the endocrines, glands that chemically communicate with each other. Excessive withdrawal by the sex glands affects the
functioning of the other endocrines.

Bottom line, ejaculated semen contains sperm, loss of life force, yes. Frequent ejaculation upsets the endocrine balance linked to the function of major body systems.

2-“Do women who have undergone oophorectomies suffer a 'loss of vitality' similar to what Taoism attributes to men who 'ejaculate too much'? Women lose eggs with every period---does this deplete their vitality?” The operation you mention is basically female castration, loss of ovum(life force) and a major portion of estrogen production(endocrine imbalance). I understand there are tantric practices that enable women to refrain from menstruating. I will leave confirmation of this to a Tantrika.

3-“Do men who have undergone prostatectomies(and who can have orgasms but can't ejaculate) tend to feel more vital or less vital years down the road?” Although the
loss of the prostate puts a dent in semen production, it does not affect sperm

4-“-While there are many unanswered questions about human sexuality, I personally think that we can trust in our sexual responses and enjoy ourselves without taking extraordinary measures to modify what comes naturally.” I personally opt to search for what can make me be extraordinary as a way of living life extraordinarily. A knowledgeable exercise of our sexuality is a step in the right direction.

Sperm, a scarce resource?

Sat, 01/17/2015 - 08:25


Is there any medical or scientific research available to show that men who ejaculate more often suffer in health terms, or that frequent ejaculation impacts their endocrine balance? I couldn't find any evidence at all (aside from the idea of friction burns) but the web is a wonderfully large place.

It probably isn't that useful to compare frequency of ejacualation with the entire removal of ovaries, or even heavy menstruation. Women are born with a finite number of viable eggs or ovum, whereas men have an infinite amount of sperm that they can produce during a lifetime. Sperm is NOT a scarce or sacred resource.

Ovum are significantly larger and more complicated than sperm which are pretty small and trivial in comparison yet women are designed to lose eggs on a regular basis. It seems a bit weird to worry over the "loss" of a body product that is designed to be lost.

Finally, I applaud and wish you well in your quest to make his life as extraordinary as possible, with or without ejaculation. Each to their own.

Sexual exhaustion and sacred sperm

Sat, 01/17/2015 - 10:06
Bila K

Greetings NLH, Thank you for your comment. If you do a search based on 'Symptoms of Sexual Exhaustion' you will find ample citations. Here is part of one by Dr. Richards, MD, on male symptoms.

Excessive sexual activity discharges the brain's supply of acetylcholine, dopamine, serotonin,
and GABA. This results in nervous, iver, kidney, cardiovascular, and endocrine disorders.

The neuro-endocrine system, if over-discharged, won't recharge by itself. Inflammatory
byproducts will then damage or burn out numerous nervous cells, leading to some
of the symptoms described. This state usually affects one's hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal-testicular axis. The production of vital androgen hormones, such as: androstenedione, testosterone, DHEA, and DHT, plus the pituitary oxytocin become too low to support
neuro-immune function. 

Here's one regarding female sexual exhaustion:

DHEA depletionestrogen and progesterone imbalance, serotonin depletion, thyroid
hormone disorder
. Symptoms: abnormal vaginal discharge, irritability, mood swings, lack of concentration, poor memory, headaches, sleep and
pituitary-ovarian functional disordersThe side effects of female sexual exhaustion, like those of drug abuse, can induce inflammation of arteries, constricting blood flow to the brain.

This can result in hypertension, headaches, migraine, blurred version, gum inflammation, sleeping disorders, ear ringing, brain disorders, body or joint pains and inflammation, liver and kidney inflammation, and uterus, cervix, bladder and urethra disorders.

Excessive frequent ejaculation, as well as male and female castration, impact/disrupt endocrine function. I have a MF transgendered friend who regrettably battles serious health issues including increased infirmity, incurable UTI, and heart-circulatory disorders.

Yes, sperm is not scarce. Sperm is sacred in Judeo-Christian, Taoist, Hindu traditions as well as for Monty Python(Every Sperm is Sacred). As you aptly stated: "Each to their own".

Yes, ejaculation and menstruation are normal body processes. I can speak for semen retention as being extraordinary in terms of its physical, mental, and spiritual benefits. Refraining from menstruation sounds extraordinary too; however, a practicing Tantrika would have to expoundupon its rewards.

the knowledge of the Taoists

Sat, 01/17/2015 - 11:23

Already the Taoists in former times knew about the meaning of the sperm. So the gave the advice to stop the ejaculation outside the body. They kept the sperm back nevertheless they had has an orgasm. This is for a beginner difficult, but it is possible.
With this method you save a lot of neurotransmitters and you are able to have much more more sex when you don`t waste your sperm.

Is sex, as nature designed it, debilitating?

Sat, 01/17/2015 - 14:38

Bila, this is indeed interesting and I appreciate your detailed replies, but I'm still perplexed. It makes sense that sperm and ova contain the 'germ' of life, so to speak, but it seems mystical and far-fetched to directly equate them with the life-force that animates an individual. It would seem from what you're saying that the most vigorous men of all would be those who have had vasectomies at a young age, and who thereafter re-absorb all of their sperm without ever losing a single one. And the most vigorous women would be those who kept careful limits on their sexual excitement and somehow 'conserved' as many ova as possible throughout their lifetimes.

If Taoism were correct about 'sexual exhaustion', one would expect to see millions of enfeebled, neurasthenic 'frequent ejaculators' and excessively orgasmic women around the world who are frigging themselves into an early grave, suffering the same horrible fate that Victorian doctors warned would befall masturbators. Although I suppose this is possible, it couldn't be proved one way or the other without decades of expensive studies of the kind that nobody is actually going to do. I don't advocate dismissing ancient wisdom out of hand; I've practiced taiji and chi gong, for example. However, I'm personally inclined to think that there is nothing inherently dangerous about the way nature designed the orgasm, either male or female, nor about menstruation or ejaculation. But we all have to look for our own answers to these and other questions of life.

To be practical: from my

Sun, 01/18/2015 - 07:31
Mancan1 (not verified)

To be practical: from my experience I get in bad mood when ejaculating too frequently. The obvious thing to do then is to ejaculate less. Touching the tip of my most sensitive part gives a lot of please and I can edge for hours without loosing any energy. In fact I feel it tunes and wakes up the body. When seeing in how much trouble women go in not getting pregman, it is only natural than men do what they can, that meens ejaculate less. I did the edging over years and then there are occations where I was aware that I am over the edge but I did not ejaculate. These are the best moments. It feels so statisfying and it charges the body at the same time. One feels so good afterwards. It is so funny, many men want to control everything and finally they are out of control in their sexlife.     

Faith systems

Sun, 01/18/2015 - 08:14


I'm happy to accept that semen retention is part of your faith/belief system but in terms of scientific or medical evidence, looking through the web I still couldn't find any support for the idea of semen retention as having health benefits.

In particular when I looked at Dr Mark Richards MD (http://cure-erectile-dysfunction.org/dr-mark-richards) as you recommended & I looked up his credentials/ history and couldn't actually find any of the scholarly papers he listed as his publications
eg. Richards, M., Smith, M., Brown, L., Wilson, G., Yoruba, M.; Prostaglandin E2 levels in the urinary bladder in boys with lower urinary tract obstruction. Journal of urinary surgery 2007 Jul; 167(2):70.e3-10.

Google doesn't even recognise the name of the publication "Journal of urinary surgery" as far as I can tell. It didn't recognise the other journals he listed as including his work ie. Puburology or UA management or Gynecol (ogy) or Passmed though I gave up looking after the first five or so panned out.

It's possible that I'm just missing something but are you sure he's genuine? As far as I can tell Dr Mark Richards doesn't really exist in terms of the list of publications he's put down on his ED website which calls into question anything attributed to him, which is obviously a bit worrying.

Also Herballove, the website referenced in terms of female sexual exhaustion explicitly states that " Information and statements ... have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease." So I imagine their website should be regarded as a "faith-based" resource rather than independently verified evidence.

I should add that as a practising Christian, I'm hardly in a position to knock another person's belief system and the fact that something isn't tested and documented in a scientific journal doesn't make something untrue. I'm glad it works for you and for other practitioners worldwide.

Hi Patrick I always enjoy

Thu, 01/22/2015 - 16:20
Anonirama (not verified)

Hi Patrick I always enjoy your wisdom, Taoism is of great interest for me, so ahead of their time, true visionaries, wisdom through observation, passed on, and on...but these doubts arise in me too. But I think we are not the same beings we used to be and certainly not animals, procreation is becoming less important, well in a biological, evolutionary, social kind of way. So more and more orgasmic children in the near future born from FREEDOM. Maybe we will evolve into pure orgasmic creatures,...who knows.
Patrick of the little I know of Tao, it says that as long as u let the sexual energy circulate your whole body u will remain with energy even if u ejaculate. It's like a sport can give u energy or leave u exhausted. So in modern terms its just trying to diminish quickies. They say the older u get the less ejaculations should occur, but they don't say no orgasm. Patrick in the west we don't seem to interiorize that ejaculation and orgasm are two different things, physically. One is the sympathetic system and the other the parasympathetic.
The main thing I perceive from Tao is creating, transforming, circulating, sharing...sexual energy within ourselves, others, the universe and beyond....

Sorry, just saw the other

Thu, 01/22/2015 - 16:55
Anonirama (not verified)

Sorry, just saw the other posts. And the many informative answers about Tao, went to quick and didn't look properly, this mobile screen does the eyes in....

oral sex - no thank you!

Fri, 01/23/2015 - 03:48

I`m not interested to get a blowjob by a woman. I get an orgasm in this way, but it is more or less difficult, the desire isn`t really great. And this are the reasons:
- in this way I can`t push and shove with my own rhytm inside a mouth and palate in an optimal kind
- the mouth and the palate don`t embrace the cock in an optimal fitting kind
- sucking and much more licking is not as good, as the pressure which the vagina and anus can make
Fazit: Oral.sex is more interesting for a woman, because she can not penetrate with her clit and secondly her clit is more reacting by surfacly stimulation than the penis, whereas the cock has its best stimulation by pressure.

Conscious sex

Fri, 01/23/2015 - 11:05

Hi anonirama, thank you and it's nice to hear from you, too!

I've done some taiji and aikido, and there the emphasis seems to be on 'circulating' and directing life-energy (chi or ki) for better health and improved sensitivity to one's environment. Conscious breathing is important in this process. Bila has made a particular study of Taoist sexual practices, of which I've read a little but am not familiar with in detail. He's spoken of male and female 'sexual exhaustion' and of having to be careful not to overdo the expenditure of one's sexual energy. I can see that it's good not to be exhausted in any manner, whether physically, sexually, or psychologically, but it seems to me that if we human beings tune in to our physical, psychical, and sexual selves we will be aware of when we're over-tired or approaching the point of being run-down and we'll do what comes naturally, which is to rest until we feel re-energized and ready to go again. So what makes sense to me is to cultivate a general sensitivity to our whole selves and to apply self-care as needed. In other words, it seems to me that it isn't necessary to formally 'conserve' our sexual energy in order to enjoy good health and longevity---nature has given us the ability to recognize when we need rest. (However, our stressful modern lives are not exactly natural and make tuning into ourselves unnecessarily difficult!). I agree with you that our personal sexual and life energies are intimately bound up with the energy of the universe itself--we're all part of the same whole and we both share in, and contribute to, this tremendous, evolving collective energy. I'm sure there will be more discussions on these subjects on D&R as time goes on!

Sexuality as a means, not a guarantee, for longevity

Fri, 01/23/2015 - 17:46
Bila K

Howdy Patrick, Sexual exhaustion(SE), whether in Taoist or modern medical terms, represents a behavioral extreme for which, as you aptly state, nature implements preventetive checks and balances. Good health and longevity are influenced by many factors, some acting benevolently, others maliciously such as in the case of SE. Cultivating and conserving one's life energy is not a guarantee for long healthy lives, it is instead designed as a means. Ultimately, our own beliefs determine what benefits, if any, are attributable to our particular sexuality. In my case, my beliefs about sexuality underwent a dramatic shift which, in turn, changed my behavior and experiences. Do I believe that, at 63 yrs. of age, I can attribute in some way my present physical, mental, and spiritual health to the 38 yrs. of actively cultivating and conserving my life energy via seminal retention? Yes I do. 

Life energy or finite sexual

Sun, 01/25/2015 - 12:08
Jeffrey65802 (not verified)

Life energy or finite sexual energy is a crock. You don't live longer if you don't climax. There's 3 genes so far identified tied to human longevity. They're activated in almost everyone who's lived beyond 100 years. And non-active in those who died much younger from 'natural causes.' Ever wonder why the ones who at 110+ smoke, drink, eat crap, and don't exercise? Those genes are 'on' in them.

Wanna deny pleasure in some misguided attempt to live longer (for what purpose if miserable forgoing sex) knock yourself out.

Try this

Thu, 05/28/2015 - 03:49
Molly H. (not verified)

I'm 33 years old, and I guess when I was about 25 I started to noticed some men would take an obscenely long time, over a half hour or it just wasn't going to happen.
If giving him the sensation of him having an orgasm via fillatio there is no shame in cheating a bit. By this I mean engage in normal sex, and get him close and switch to oral. 
The other tip is basically be overlly enthustatic about doing it, like you are some penis starved manic, and masturbate yourself. Wither it's the first time or the five-hundreth time men never seem to get tired of watching us masturbate or touch ourselves.