I'd Just Begun to Feel Sexually Confident & Now Herpes

Mon, 11/24/2014 - 08:15
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty

I have recently ended a relationship with a man 36 years older than me. We were together for a short time in the world of relationships probably around 4-5 months. For the first time with him I was able to have a clitoral orgasm through intercourse, it only happened twice but it was amazing to know that it can happen.

I felt really safe with him, being around him soothed me in a way I haven't experienced before. It wasn't an ideal relationship in any way. He is an alcoholic and a chain smoker and has a very bleak view of the world. I ended it because I couldn't have a future with him.

I was feeling very emotional after the breakup, and then a few days after it all happened I noticed a sore spot at the entrance of my vagina. I became concerned when it didn't go away, went to the DR, and one of the first questions she asked was "have you ever had herpes?" I have been tested now, and since seeing the DR I have developed "the rash" inside my bottom crack.

Although I do not yet have a diagnosis of herpes its almost definitely that. I find out tomorrow.

I am absolutely devastated and can't stop crying. Work has been a disaster as I am crying every 15 minutes. I can't eat, I feel absolutely gutted. I had only just begun to feel sexually confident and attractive and was looking forward to the future and now I just want to start life again from the beginning.

It's mainly the thought of having to tell every single person I may want to have a relationship with about it.

I normally vent everything about my life with my friends but with this I feel absolutely alone I have never felt more alone in my life and I don't know how to cope with this.

Can you offer any guidance on this?

I spoke with my ex about it over the phone and he seems really uneducated about how it can be transferred (as I was) and was very dismissive, saying "I'd be very surprised if you caught it from me"

I'm in so much pain right now and I would value anything you could offer on this

Thank you

Dear K,

Having Herpes is no big deal unless you make it one. Back in the seventies we used to feel sorry for someone who didn't have it because it meant they weren't having much sex. In fact it's so common that at some point everyone will have an outbreak. I see it as similar to having the common cold. The virus is in all of us but just some have outbreaks. I get a Herpes sore when I am stressed out. When that happens I do not have partner sex. Once the blisters dry up within a week or so I can resume sex with a partner.

Several friend of mine also have Herpes and their partners do not. The ten years I lived with a young man who was Herpes free, he remained free. As to telling everyone you have sex with, I feel that's a personal choice. Go online to webmd or Google Herpes and read up on it. You are torturing yourself needlessly. Now forgive yourself and the guy involved and get on with your beautiful life.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

We ...

Mon, 11/24/2014 - 12:58

agree & applaud everything Dr. Betty responded. Herpes similar to chickenpox & cold sores. Rest and extra vitamin C has helped. On the eruptions we also use Animal Scents Ointment & Thieves Waterless Hand Purifier from www.youngliving.com 1561965

Another good reason to vary our sex lives

Tue, 11/25/2014 - 11:50

My (much) older sister once told me that if I couldn't imagine putting it in my mouth than what on earth was I thinking of to put it inside me anywhere else? As a young teen, I was a bit scandalised but of course there is an element of truth.

Thinking about a bit of fellatio/ cunnilungus early on allows a person a good look at what they're dealing with. Any hint of sores,warts, livestock (crabs, threadworms etc) or even a nasty smell is an immediate reason to call it off at least for the night.

Needless to say, anyone with coldsores (herpes simplex) around their mouth should not be performing oral as it's contagious.

But as Betty points out, herpes is only contagious around an outbreak so doesn't have to be a difficulty. I have herpes simplex (mouth coldsores) and apart from missing out on fellatio (and kissing) around an outbreak, it hasn't caused any problems. Try to reduce stress and enjoy life as much as possible - it helps to reduce outbreaks to every other year or so. If you end up in a long term relationship, it will naturally become a topic when the first outbreak happens but should not be a deal-breaker.

Good luck.

It's NOT the end of the world

Thu, 11/27/2014 - 02:20
JanetM (not verified)

I've had it for many years and found myself single unexpectedly last year. I've been on a sex/dating site and recently decided to be open about my herpes status on my profile. I had no idea what to expect from that but overwhelmingly the responses have been really positive and it hasn't stopped interest from blokes who are smart enough to know it's not a big deal.
Be of good cheer, life goes on. :)

p.s for me personally, herbs from the naturopath seemed to stop outbreaks entirely.

Vitamin D is a hormone that

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:36
suzi (not verified)

Vitamin D is a hormone that is a major support of the immune system. Get your level checked and then start taking vit D (if you are low, take at least 5,000 IU but never more than 10,000 IU as you can overdose) and get it checked again in three months. Try to keep your level above 50-60 ( I keep mine at 70 to keep my immune system optimal and avoid colds). 

Also, you can take Lysine 1000 mg three times a day. It is an amino acid that fights the herpes virus. My friend with herpes says once he began this, he never again had an outbreak. Good luck. 

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.