Hello Dr. Betty.
I am a 23 years old, but will be 24 years old by the end of next month. I have not had any form of sexual contact with a female, but would like to in the near future. I have delayed having sex because there are three issues for me to deal with. They are risk, consent, and finding the right person to have sex with it. I don't want to just spread the love around, but want to be smart when it comes having sex. I think that sharing a sexual moment with someone is special and want to be ready for that moment.
Is there anything that you would advise me doing that could prepare me for sex in the future? One can prepare to give an important speech by writing and modifying the speech, rehearsing in front of a close, small group of people, and then in front of an audience. One can prepare for a championship game by attending practice(s) and finding out as much as possible about the opposing team's strengths and weaknesses. I think that preparation and prevention are important in anything we do. I could prevent pregnancies from occurring or contracting and STI by wearing a condom, but what about the preparation side of things? Please inform me.
My first suggestion is for you to think about defining the word "sex". It's far more than your penis in her vagina which is only the procreation sex. I recommend my e-book "Orgasms for Two" as a good resource to begin to learn "come control" with conscious masturbation. My apprentice Eric shares his method.
Everything you describe in preparing for a "championship game by attending practice(s) and finding out as much as possible about the opposing team's strengths and weaknesses" can also be applied to sex with a partner. Follow up practicing come control by reading about female sexuality throughout the D&R website. We have DVD's you can stream for visual information as well as verbal. Remember, women function quite differently than men when it comes to orgasms.
As for "finding the right person", this is where you will have the biggest problem. Imagine trying to find your favorite food without trying out different ones. The reason for dating in my opinion is to have sex with several different girls to get a taste of what partner sex entails. Unless you live in a culture that practices arranged marriages, I recommend having safe sex with a variety of girls to learn what you are looking for. This also gives you a chance to put your come control into practice.
Of course it is possible to meet your perfect match the first time you have sex, but that's very rare. Experience is always our best teacher except when it comes to sex. That's the heart of most organized religions: keeping church members ignorant and dependent on some higher authority that is based on an elaborate myth. Keep your sense of humor polished and your mind alert to gathering as much sex information as possible.
Dear Dr. Betty,
I have decided that I would like to abstain from masturbation and pornography for the next year. I have masturbated to orgasm and watched pornography far too many times over the years. I'm sort of numb to it. Instead of becoming more desensitized to sex I would like to become more sensitized to it. As a young man I have to watch out for my overall health. I am in good health, but I need to develop healthier sexual habits. Do you have the specific titles of the DVDs?
I'm more of a visual learner than one who reads to learn.
I applaud you for coming off porn! It's such negative conditioning especially when it comes to women's sexual desires. However, I do not recommend you stop masturbating to prove what? Young men need to ejaculate to keep everything functioning. But changing your fantasies to be more woman positive is a step in the right direction. My videos are sexually explicit but far from porn which is basically entertainment for men.
My DVD's that can be streamed are all "woman positive" and I am responsible for the content. As a clinical sexologist who's been teaching very specific ways to access our orgasms healthfully, I can assure you the images in my DVD" are NOT hardcore porn although they can be a turn-on. Since you can stream them at a reasonable fee, I suggest viewing several and draw your own conclusion.