My Boyfriend Can't be Dominant in the Bedroom

Tue, 09/16/2014 - 07:15
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hello Betty,

I have been following your site for many years now. I have a question for you.

I have been dating a guy for a little over six months. He and I have regular (and regularly good) sex. The only 'not so great' part about it is his unwillingness to initiate anything or take any form of a dominant position (literally or figuratively). Part of me appreciates the complete swap in gender roles, but there is the other part of me that would welcome a more equal approach to sex.

I am open to just about anything and I find that my always being on top, dominate, etc limits our sex greatly and doesn't include my enjoyment of highly dominate men (some of the time).

I have tried to talk to him about it (met with some conversation, but not really to any change in bed). It seems that he gets massive performance anxiety and just cannot have sex when the female isn't in control. I try to make him feel comfortable, and let him know that I am really up for anything and wont be judgmental if it doesn't go that well.

He and I have discussed open relationships at some point, which may allow me to be in the less-dominate positions that he does not seem to like, but I cannot even bring myself to allow any form of an open relationship until we can really (and I mean really) discuss our sex life in a real way. I'm also not sure that I like the idea of our sex life being 99.9% what he is interested in.

Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do to bring him out of this shell? Move forward to make him feel more comfortable with dominate positions or at least see that there are two of us in bed and I have things that I am into as well.

Thanks a bunch,

Dear L,

You have a very controlling bottom which is my least favorite dynamic in sex. They are passive/aggressive often to the extreme. You may be "on top" during fucking, but he's controlling your entire sexual relationship by always getting what HE wants. Since this relationship is only 6 months old, what have you really got to lose if you date other men whenever you want to? Why wait until you can change a sexual dynamic that's already been established by a man who has no desire to change?

My advice? When sex is good it only gets better. When its problematic it usually gets worse. If you cannot accept him just the way he is, I would move along. Life is too short to spend a large part of it trying to unsuccessfully change another person. While it's true we can change ourselves, please note he is not asking any questions about how to make you happier in bed. you have some big decisions to make so please put yourself first.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Let him be the observer

Fri, 09/19/2014 - 03:07
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

The question L poses is one of the many at here D&R not disclosing essential facts in order for someone to compose a helpful answer.
One fact of great importance to know would be:
Is, L, by herself, able to be fully responsible for her own orgasms both by herself and with the partner.
Since L does not mention anything of this, one assumes she does not know the critical relevance  of her being able to master the skill of taking care of her own sexual needs in partnersex.
So far she reveals knowing how to pleasure him, and how to get aroused by herself. Something is still missing, she feels.
She wonders if it could be his unwillingness to take initiative, to take on the dominating role, to do the work that she reports doing mainly herself so far.
If L did know how to acquire her own orgasm with partner, she very likely would not have this kind of sex-problem in the first place.
Any woman who, like L, wants to lift the crippling performance pressure off the young boyfriend's shoulders, might want to try this miracle-medicine: Immediately take off the focus from him. In particular, take off your hands from him. Stop giving him stimulation. Let him be the observer. Allow him to enjoy the feeling of not needing to perform, react or even receive. Center on uninterrupted self-pleasuring, effective clit-stimulation, which arouses you and leads you to orgasm.
When you give him this first hand demonstration of successful assertiveness, he is relieved. You know what you want and show him you know how you can get it.
It is self-evident he is now free from the pressure of acting as the main provider of your pleasure. He feels the physical strenght returning with independence and self-conficence. He is in a position of choosing more freely what action to take to.
He might find it quite natural to employ some of that freshly obtained energy in playing the dominant one for his lady. He does dominance now from the basis of authentic, own initiative.
It happens to be the only kind of motivation any partner appreciates and accepts.    

Uhh! Why is it that men

Tue, 10/21/2014 - 01:47
Iandria E (not verified)

Uhh! Why is it that men always seem to find ways to subjugate us! Even when we've got it where th e power dynamic is reversed between the sexes in the relationship and yet the man somehow still manages to be the one in control! It's like as if there is no way around this with men. They seem to always be subjugating us one way or another. Either they are the instigators of sex in the relationship and dominate the womon in the bedroom being totally physically in control of our bodies or as now in this case the man is still yet taking control over the womon by making her have to do all the work while he just sits there. Now, if the sexes were to be switched around in this relationship I think that it would still be the womon who is being controlled, however, because then we would have the scenario of the man dominating the womon which is exactly how most male/femayle relationships have been through much of history and are still like to this very day. Part of the problem is that lots of wimmin expect the man to be the dominate factor in their sex which is part of what leads to this subjugation of wimmin in relationships. This is part of why I want to stay single. Because even if the womon is the dominate factor the man can still manage to be the one in control by expecting the womon to be the dominate factor like how wimmin have typically expected it from men.

A ...

Tue, 10/21/2014 - 10:54
barn dog

good dog training book may be useful for helping one learn how to con troll !! ~~~ :>)

2 subs

Sat, 08/06/2016 - 00:18

Okay, you may be vanilla but I think there's always an underlying current of preferring to top and bottom. Maybe he just needs to work past it, or maybe it's his nature. Try compromising, sitting down and really talk about it. You might like giving over control as much as he does and submissive people need dominant partners.