Dear Dr. Betty,
I'm 29 and have been married since I was 20. I met my husband at 19 and he was my first adult sexual partner where love was involved. He was 21 and trying to quit narcotics. I was young and at the time didn't know how my own sexual equipment worked. I fell in love with him because I was an emotional person and he accepted me the way I was, no questions. He was very sweet. We had tons of sex, and it felt good, but I never climaxed. I never really included my clit (poor thing).
We got married the next year (and should not have), got pregnant, and started a family together that now includes three total live children, ages 10 months to 8 years. He was able to quit drugs and I began taking antidepressants following the birth of our first child. We knew everything about each other, except I didn't tell him about my sexual issues in the relationship. I continued to have sex more for him than for me. Actually, to be honest, all the sex was for him.
I’ve spent these past ten years focusing on being the best mother and wife possible, but never doing anything for me. He works so I can raise the kids and not involve daycare. I’m currently working on my grad degree so when I do enter the workforce, my career can be fulfilling.
I’ve had no orgasms for ten years (occasional pleasant sensation, but only if I fantasize about other people). I’m not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. In fact, I’ve come to realize that I stayed with him because I wanted to save him and feel loved, but over the years I’ve realized there’s been nothing in it for me. We have a beautiful home and gorgeous children, and he loves me completely, but I feel very little towards him. He’s codependent on me and I’ve basically been caring for him like the kids.
I’m tired of living this way. I’ve been talking with him over the past two months about what is truthfully going on. As brutally honest and hard it has been, he is grateful for it. He believes he can change and I will fall in love with him for real this time, for me. He believes I will figure out how to orgasm for me and our sexual stuff together will fall in line as our relationship gets better.
Well, this is where it gets tricky. I followed your advice, quit antidepressants so I could feel real emotion, got me a Magic Wand, and have climaxed twice now. I was thinking about a male friend of mine while I did it. I can’t think of my husband that way. I wonder if we are just not compatible and happiness for me, sexually and otherwise, lies elsewhere.
I am the type of person to feel guilt when others are hurt by my actions. Heck, I feel guilt for no reason at all sometimes. For 10+ years everyone else has come first, and myself not at all. I don’t want to hurt my children breaking up our family with divorce, but I wonder if it is what is best for me.
I tried two weeks ago and my husband talked about suicide. He talked about giving up if we separate because life without us is not worth living. “I don’t think I could see you or the kids if we separate because it would be too hard. I’m the problem: why don’t I take myself out of the picture completely?” he said. The guilt kept me here, even if he wasn’t intentionally causing it (and I don’t believe he was). He has struggled with depression for longer than I’ve been in his life.
I know what I probably should do, but I don’t know if I can. I know I can’t turn back now that the truth is clear both to me and my husband. I won’t cheat outside of the marriage to fulfill that part that is missing, but to end this marriage may end my husband. I’m lost.
Thanks for reading.
Your story is not that unique for anyone getting married too young for the reason of saving someone. This inevitably leads to the codependency you both struggle with now. I think you must put the baby and the your other two kids on the top of your what's important list. Unfortunately your husband has become another child you must care for except he has been a good provider for his family after stopping drugs. Good for him.
While you are finishing school, I suggest you have an intense love affair with yourself and your new friend the Magic Wand. You can develop your orgasms and even start having them with your hubby by bringing a smaller vibrator to bed with you both. A nice slim electric vibrator like the Eroscillator can easily be used during partner sex. Even the Wand can work in some positions . I used it in Doggie style perched on the edge of the bed while my lover was fucking me from behind standing up. My e-book *Orgasms for Two* has drawings of different positions that can be used with a vibrator. And give yourself permission to develop a long list of perverted fantasies that will enhance and support your selfloving orgasms.
The good news is that you are still very young and have many good years ahead of you. For now study, practice masturbation and even learn to come with him while you use a vibrator. AND give yourself credit for dumping Big Pharmas lousy drugs that keep people dependent on them while they rake in their profits. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I think you're very brave and smart enough to come through this with flying colors. I for one am rooting for you.