How Do I Broach the Subject of a Threesome?

Mon, 07/14/2014 - 08:03
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

I am so glad that I found your site. I love all the great information on here. I have a problem that I know you have heard before but haven't found any direct advice on point yet - there's so much info on here!

I have been married for 5 years and I still love my wife and I am still attracted to her but I find myself still wanting to have sex with other women. I don't want to be unfaithful so I thought I should try and spice up our sex life by asking to involve another woman in our bedroom so we can share the experience together. The problem is that I know my wife will reject this idea. She is already a jealous woman and doesn't trust me. And I know that if I bring it up, she will think its just because I want to sleep with other women, which is true, but I also love her and want to stay married. I just want to be able to get some physical relief and enjoyment with another woman. Is that so wrong?

The other thing is that we have a good friend who is coming to visit us next week who happens to be a single mother and who I have always been attracted to. I think this would be a perfect situation for us to try a threesome or even start small and invite her to watch or maybe just play with my balls or something. Even the thought of that turns me on. Again, the problem is, how do I approach this with my wife so that she doesn't get angry with me?

Thanks in advance for your help.

Dear J,

Your situation is legion. Monogamy is a religious construct that doesn't match our human need for sexual variety. But it's a great way to make people easier to manipulate through sexual guilt. Women's sexual conditioning and lack of orgasms encourages women to focus on having a monogamous relationship, a man she can depend upon to help raise children. The male model of sex response doesn't work for us, so as a result, too many women are pre-orgasmic. Just think, if you weren't coming with fucking, you wouldn't miss it very much now would you? And she might think, "Why take the chance of bringing in another woman just because he's horny for some variety. Most would agree that variety is the spice of life except when it comes to sex.

You must have this conversation with your wife and find out how she'd feel about sharing you with her girlfriend. If it doesn't happen right away, be patient. Meanwhile you can have orgasms with yourself while fantasizing your threesome.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Her orgasms in a fool proof shape for starters

Mon, 07/14/2014 - 14:55
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

Monogamy sucks. But threesomes are not always a picknick, either.
I wonder if it is at all possible to move towards including other persons in a couple's sexlife if you do not first of all make sure she orgasms in a fool-proof, sustainable way in partnersex.
If she genuinely does orgasm one way or other, in context of partnersex, she is probably relaxed enough to start planning three- or foursomes in full agreement with him.
You, J, would not anymore be asking how you could persuade your wife to the idea of a threesome. You might be seeking a third party together in harmony.
This change of game might be one of the most important things you can help bringing in shape for starters, J. (Buy vibrator recommended by D&R, learn masturbating solo plus together, talk about it,  activate her mind...). 
It may take more than a week, but who knows.
It is worth looking up what therapist Eric Amaranth writes of threesomes here in D & R. It is informative and beautiful.
If you want a threesome to succeed you certainly can make use of above average skills in a number of areas. To name a few:
Ability to communicate clearly. Willingness to understand the concepts of fairness and sincerity towards everyone not forgetting yourself. Hunger to develop and learn, to know yourself and your motivations better. Authenticity, humility. Capacity for genuine empathy. Instinct. Good judgment, integrity.
Good luck to you!

Threesomes are a potential minefield

Mon, 07/14/2014 - 23:56

I have a marriage in which monogamy does very well. I do recognize that many people get restless and desire other partners. The question is what to do about it, and how to do it in an honorable and decent way. However, I would point out that desiring other people isn't the same as 'needing' them. We don't 'need' multiple partners in the same way that we need to breathe.

Since honesty is the foundation of a trusting relationship, whatever happens must be above board and with everyone's consent. Even so, I question the wisdom of introducing others into the marital bedroom. If you have to nag or emotionally blackmail your wife into adding another partner, I wouldn't call that freely given consent. It's already clear that she doesn't want a third party. She might just be one of those old-fashioned people who values her marriage vows, and wishes you did, too.

If your idea of threesomes is that two attractive women are going to take turns ministering to your desires, no wonder you think you want one. But suppose it doesn't go that way? Suppose she and her friend turn out to be more into each other than they are into you? Suppose at some point she wants to invite other men into the bedroom? What are you prepared to do if her desires turn out to be something you never anticipated?

I understand that every situation and every marriage is different, but I think that too many couples may jump into situations that end up having devastating emotional consequences for everybody. It might be better to remember why you fell in love with this woman in the first place and wanted to marry her, and act on the basis of that rather than on fleeting desires that could cause far more harm than good.

Alarm Bells

Tue, 07/15/2014 - 02:07

Alarm bells started ringing with the phrase "she's already a jealous woman and doesn't trust me".Your relationship doesn't sound as if it's in a good place and I'm wondering how much of your desire for a threesome is just to provide a distraction from real underlying problems.

It's interesting that your note was all about you, your wants, your "needs" and not at all about building a better more intimate relationship, nothing at all about your wife's wants and needs. Are these being met?

Lizzie Smith makes a very good point about strengthening your relationship before you even think of spicing up your love life with another person. Is your wife happy in your relationship? Is the sex you share satisfying for her?

The first conversation always has to be about your current relationship. What can you do to make it better for her, for both of you? Eric Amaranth writes well about threesomes but again only succesfully from a solid secure relationship.

PS If my BF came on a visit and my husband came on to her and fucked up that relationship I would be seriously pissed (& not with the girlfriend) Think through carefully what exactly you're trying to accomplish here and be honest with yourself and your wife.

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