BF Comes Too Fast & I'm Frustrated

Fri, 07/18/2014 - 12:19
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I am dating a wonderful man who is kind, thoughtful and has many qualities I would like in a long-term partner. I am very attracted to him, and am easily turned on by his gentle touch. I love penetration, and could orgasm in some of the common fucking positions, but he tends to reach orgasm more quickly than I do.

Sometimes he does spend a lot of time kissing my nipples (which is very erogenous for me) and he does try to stimulate my clit and vagina, at times, but it doesn't feel exactly like what I want, and though I try from time to time to express how I would like it ('oooh it's really nice when you touch me really lightly like that') or sometimes I even more explicitly tell him more (I try to be positive about it, and I try to give positive reinforcement when he is doing it and it's feeling really nice), or show him how I masturbate.

I often lose patience when he's trying, or just feel it's not feeling that amazing, and I just want to be fucked. This brings us to a cycle where I often don't orgasm during our mutual sex, and maybe have to masturbate afterward to orgasm. He's really good about that, but I think maybe we both don't feel amazing about it (I'm just guessing maybe he doesn't love that he can't seem to get me off, as he is a sweet and sensitive person... I on the other hand can easily pleasure him with a blow job).

Anyway I am feeling a bit frustrated about this pattern and not sure how to get out of it. I had a similar pattern with my last lover, though he and I could speak much more freely about sex, and he deliberately went about practicing delaying his orgasm so that we could fuck for longer, which was very nice. However, I still wasn't able to lie back and receive pleasure the way I had with previous lovers earlier in my life. I'm not sure what I'm stuck about.

Any advice on what to do and how to communicate about it would be greatly appreciated. I really care about him and don't want to hurt his feelings or discourage his sincere efforts. :)

Thank you!

Dear P,

This is when I remind women to see fucking as foreplay for masturbation! Really you have done nearly everything possible to "encourage, teach and even show him" what you like and it's not working. So it would seem that the best approach would be to accept him the way he is and enjoy what does work.

He could train himself to sustain an erection longer during his personal practice of masturbation. There are books that deal with this issue. In my own e-book *Orgasms for Two* there is a chapter on how my partner trained himself very successfully to last longer. However it does take commitment and practice. One obvious solution that few couples think of is using a dildo (your size choice) so when he "peters out" he simply lubes up a laytex dick which would allow you to "lay back and enjoy that long fuck women dream of but rarely get."

Also remember as we age, it takes longer for women to orgasm. One of my successful solutions was to stimulate my clitoris by hand or with a vibrator while he was focused on doing slow vaginal penetration. Worked like a dream every time. So you can weigh the pluses and minuses and move toward an acceptance mode. Or find a much younger virile lover for fucking and keep this one as your primary partner.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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What's the truth about erections, anyway?

Sat, 07/19/2014 - 15:49

There are some real paradoxes in contemporary sexology, and one of them is on the role of the erect penis in hetero sex. I've never heard of a woman being criticized because she had an orgasm before her partner did, but it's common to do this to men. Presumably this is because men are expected to lose their erection for the rest of the session after they come. If this happens, it's often a self-fulfilling prophecy based on misinformation. Many men, if they train themselves and realize that it's possible, can simply stay hard and keep going after that first orgasm and have more. There's a minute or two of hypersensitivity after coming, but it passes quickly. With enough stimulation and mental excitement, it's often possible to keep going for as long as desired. What doesn't work in my experience is continuously fighting one's excitement and seeing orgasm as a failure. We should be welcoming the pleasure we feel, not treating it as an enemy. If people's orgasm schedules aren't in sync, which is the norm, then they should practice immediately flowing into other techniques to pick up the slack.

Men are raised with tremendous psychological pressure to have a prolonged erection. In recent years, however, we've been repeatedly told that penis-in-vagina sex is not how most women have their orgasms. Nevertheless, the social and sexological stigma of 'premature ejaculation' and 'erectile dysfunction' has apparently not diminished one bit.

In effect, men today are simultaneously being told that erections aren't terribly important to women, but they'd better have one anyway---and it had better last as long as their partner might want to make use of it. To say the least, this double message is confounding. The penis has been de-throned in importance (fair enough), but loss of erection for any reason is still considered a kind of shameful failure. Somebody is trying to have it both ways. If the penis does such a poor job of pleasing women, then it's time to end performance pressure on men. Simple as that. It's only fair.

I understand that many straight couples might still enjoy PIV intercourse sometimes, both for bonding and for pleasure. If erectile issues are truly interfering with a particular couple's mutual satisfaction, as they are with P and her boyfriend, then they do need to be addressed. However, there are endless ways to have fulfilling partner sex, from intercourse to vibrators to oral sex. Flexibility and creativity, along with mutual caring and a sense of fun, will go a long way to ensuring that both partners get what they need.

Actually do it in his presence

Sun, 07/20/2014 - 09:49
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

When a woman says: 'I showed him how I masturbate' it can mean at least two different things.

She tells us she demonstrated her boyfriend superficially how her hands and body move, in which angle, how she breathes, when she masturbates solo.

Or, she has actually masturbated until orgasm in his presence. The way I see it, the latter alternative is so rare we do not immediately even postulate it has taken place.

I doubt a woman who is able to comfortably get off in bf's presence confronts the same kind of couplesex challenges as the woman who isn't.
If a woman could master the skill of orgasming in partnersex context, her reasons for frustration would shrink substantially since her options controlling her own pleasure and climax(es) would increase.

She would become independent in a healthy way which would make her a more contented and more interesting partner in a relationship.
She would not mind at which phase of session he reaches his orgasm.
The couple would enjoy spontaneity together in harmony. They would be able to modify the process of their lovemaking, reverse the order of events to the opposite, for example, instead of staying in a rigid pattern.

'She's not orgasming during mutual sex' would simply vanish in thin air as a valid way to formulate the problem.

There would be no more subtle requirements piling up on his head: Him needing to last longer, his erection needing to be harder, him touching her the right way, not applying the pressure improperly. Or, him reaching orgasm too soon, before her, as a pattern. 

Nor would she have to worry about giving him the right instructions in tiresome self-monitoring mode, remembering to be positive, not losing patience, not showing frustration, correcting his moves, observing if he is learning. Wondering which instructions would work better next time. 

It is not easy to overcome inhibitions by making masturbation (solo, mutual), a staple of partnersex. I cannot however see any other way in order to get rid of the frustration.

If we women will not become owners, schedulers and operators of our orgasms in partnersex, we prolong expecting our pleasure predominantly to result from something he does, or doesn't.

The expectation makes our couplesex-pleasure dependent from factors that we never can hope change or control to our liking. So we remain vulnerable to accumulating frustration. We go on with unnecessary helplessness when life could be so much richer with pleasure belonging to everyone.   
We will never be satisfied with a mutual sex-pattern where her satisfaction is haphazard for keeps and his experience is pleasurable in a dependable manner.

subsequent orgasms

Sun, 07/20/2014 - 09:54

Well said, Patrick. I was thinking the same thing. There should be no wrong/right time for a man to orgasm, any more than for a woman. 
In my recent experience, my lover would usually orgasm fairly quickly from oral or other stimulation. We never stopped there. We continued to enjoy each other in a variety of ways. Within a short time, he would be hard again, and eventually we would enjoy PIV intercourse. He did last longer after he had the initial orgasm, so that allowed us to both enjoy penetration for a longer period of time.
Here's another thought: I've noticed that when I masturbate, I orgasm much more readily after I achieve the first orgasm. I wonder how it would work if a woman enjoyed a vibrator orgasm, as foreplay or maybe after the man has had his first orgasm, and then went on to oral or PIV sex. I wonder if she might be able to enjoy additional orgasms after the pressure is off both of them to have their climax at the appropriate "time" to please the other.
Betty suggests fucking as foreplay for partner sex. What if you turn that around, and use the vibrator to kind of break the ice, and have the vibrator orgasm be the foreplay for whatever comes later?
I'm going to try that if and when partner sex happens again. For now, I just enjoy the heck out of my toys.

Good ideas, Collette

Sun, 07/20/2014 - 15:02

Thank you, Collette, I appreciate your comments.

Your experience mirrors my thoughts about what could make partner sex more satisfying for many straight couples. If the man happens to have a quick first orgasm, he can usually get hard again in short order and it's back to enjoying one another again. There's no need to stop in frustration---we can just transition into something else that we've learned our partner enjoys. Oral sex, for example, or having that favorite vibrator handy. It just takes some creativity, some understanding, and a commitment to mutual pleasure however it's achieved.

Your observation that your first orgasm makes it easier to have more orgasms is really interesting to me. Maybe when we have that first orgasm our genitals 'wake up' and become extra-sensitive. My own second orgasms are usually more intense than the first, which makes me think you're on to something. I think it's worth experimenting with. If a woman has her first orgasm via a vibrator, for example, she might start the next round already excited and primed for more. And it's true that both sexes can feel pressure to orgasm at the 'right time'. Having those first orgasms earlier rather than later could really reduce that pressure. Vibrator or oral foreplay to orgasm for both partners could make the rest of the session flow better and be much more fun and relaxed. Great idea.

I hope good partner sex happens for you again. In the meantime, it's a good thing we all have our toys!

Benefits of he coming at the prelude stage

Mon, 07/21/2014 - 03:56
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

His orgasms at the prelude stage of partnersex do not signify it is over.
In partnersex, my experiece confirms the many benefits of giving him the chance to orgasm fairly quickly, at the beginning.
He enjoys penetration best at the early part of the session. Why not do it then instead of making him wait and lose the precious first sensations? As commentators testify, this procedure may guarantee for him several more orgasms and enthusiastic presence in the continuing session.
Intercourse serves here as lead-in for a woman who knows she can take the time and space for her own orgasm soon. With one vibrator for her and why not another for him. My bf, 67, has learned to like vibrations as a part of a partnersex session.
If she feels she cannot masturbate in his presence this time because of performance pressure, lack of concentration, whatever, and nevertheless in no way she intends to give up orgasming, there are ways to solve this on the spot:
By mutual agreement she can retreat to another room or a few meters farther into her own space for a long enough period for her orgasm. He makes use of the moment as best he can.
Orgasm in two spaces. Sounds funny, but it works. When she returns, she is willing and able for some more serious extended penetrative sex (PIV or dildo). 
Better yet if, at the early part of the partnersex session she puts her strategic plan in words by saying something like 'you can now come in for a while'. So, he will be definitely informed.
Being very clear about your intentions on a given occasion is of great importance.
Strategies change, and telling it like it is, is one enjoyable form of sex not to be omitted.

Lions on the plain

Wed, 07/23/2014 - 08:00

You're experiencing a quirk of biology. Men climax more easily and quicker than women by design (so to speak heh.) Using lions as my go-to example, they'll mate over and over sonetimes for days. The male cumming very quickly then needing to rest while the female remains receptive (and attacking him after each time oweing to feline penises being barbed.) But this evolved to ensure that the breeding male's genes get passed on 'flushing out' any other male's sperm replacing it with their own.

So when thinking about sex, remember it's evolved for a purpose - reproduction. Females will last longer to receive as much semen as the breeding male can give. That our complex brains have overcomplicated sex hasn't changed the simple nature of it though. So what you need to do here is simply recognize that what's happening is nature and evolution. But because we're humans we've becone very good at denying nature and short-circuiting it :)

If your fella cums easily with you, don't let him do whatever gets him off. I've always preferred giving my lovers pleasure before accepting any for myself. I masturbate and cum a couple or more times each day so for me sex isn't about me getting off, but me getting to give those pleasures to another. My ideal lovers then are those who make sex about giving, not taking so things even out and we're both satisfied. Until sex is more about giving, people are really settling for other things in their relationships overlooking the sexual disatisfaction valueing other things more. But a good person should be making the sex about their partner. If they're unhappy not getting off, they shouldn't be able to perform very well.

My advice? Buy a bullwhip :)

Try another technique.

Wed, 09/03/2014 - 19:15
candrew (not verified)

I  suggest that your BF uses FIV (fingers in vagina) or a dildo while you massage your clit with your fingers or vibe. As you begin to orgasm, have him enter PIV to support your orgasm even more. It's a different sensation and it has worked very well for me and my partner.

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