Dear Dr. Betty,
I am dating a wonderful man who is kind, thoughtful and has many qualities I would like in a long-term partner. I am very attracted to him, and am easily turned on by his gentle touch. I love penetration, and could orgasm in some of the common fucking positions, but he tends to reach orgasm more quickly than I do.
Sometimes he does spend a lot of time kissing my nipples (which is very erogenous for me) and he does try to stimulate my clit and vagina, at times, but it doesn't feel exactly like what I want, and though I try from time to time to express how I would like it ('oooh it's really nice when you touch me really lightly like that') or sometimes I even more explicitly tell him more (I try to be positive about it, and I try to give positive reinforcement when he is doing it and it's feeling really nice), or show him how I masturbate.
I often lose patience when he's trying, or just feel it's not feeling that amazing, and I just want to be fucked. This brings us to a cycle where I often don't orgasm during our mutual sex, and maybe have to masturbate afterward to orgasm. He's really good about that, but I think maybe we both don't feel amazing about it (I'm just guessing maybe he doesn't love that he can't seem to get me off, as he is a sweet and sensitive person... I on the other hand can easily pleasure him with a blow job).
Anyway I am feeling a bit frustrated about this pattern and not sure how to get out of it. I had a similar pattern with my last lover, though he and I could speak much more freely about sex, and he deliberately went about practicing delaying his orgasm so that we could fuck for longer, which was very nice. However, I still wasn't able to lie back and receive pleasure the way I had with previous lovers earlier in my life. I'm not sure what I'm stuck about.
Any advice on what to do and how to communicate about it would be greatly appreciated. I really care about him and don't want to hurt his feelings or discourage his sincere efforts. :)
This is when I remind women to see fucking as foreplay for masturbation! Really you have done nearly everything possible to "encourage, teach and even show him" what you like and it's not working. So it would seem that the best approach would be to accept him the way he is and enjoy what does work.
He could train himself to sustain an erection longer during his personal practice of masturbation. There are books that deal with this issue. In my own e-book *Orgasms for Two* there is a chapter on how my partner trained himself very successfully to last longer. However it does take commitment and practice. One obvious solution that few couples think of is using a dildo (your size choice) so when he "peters out" he simply lubes up a laytex dick which would allow you to "lay back and enjoy that long fuck women dream of but rarely get."
Also remember as we age, it takes longer for women to orgasm. One of my successful solutions was to stimulate my clitoris by hand or with a vibrator while he was focused on doing slow vaginal penetration. Worked like a dream every time. So you can weigh the pluses and minuses and move toward an acceptance mode. Or find a much younger virile lover for fucking and keep this one as your primary partner.