BF Comes Too Fast & I'm Frustrated

Fri, 07/18/2014 - 12:19
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I am dating a wonderful man who is kind, thoughtful and has many qualities I would like in a long-term partner. I am very attracted to him, and am easily turned on by his gentle touch. I love penetration, and could orgasm in some of the common fucking positions, but he tends to reach orgasm more quickly than I do.

Sometimes he does spend a lot of time kissing my nipples (which is very erogenous for me) and he does try to stimulate my clit and vagina, at times, but it doesn't feel exactly like what I want, and though I try from time to time to express how I would like it ('oooh it's really nice when you touch me really lightly like that') or sometimes I even more explicitly tell him more (I try to be positive about it, and I try to give positive reinforcement when he is doing it and it's feeling really nice), or show him how I masturbate.

I often lose patience when he's trying, or just feel it's not feeling that amazing, and I just want to be fucked. This brings us to a cycle where I often don't orgasm during our mutual sex, and maybe have to masturbate afterward to orgasm. He's really good about that, but I think maybe we both don't feel amazing about it (I'm just guessing maybe he doesn't love that he can't seem to get me off, as he is a sweet and sensitive person... I on the other hand can easily pleasure him with a blow job).

Anyway I am feeling a bit frustrated about this pattern and not sure how to get out of it. I had a similar pattern with my last lover, though he and I could speak much more freely about sex, and he deliberately went about practicing delaying his orgasm so that we could fuck for longer, which was very nice. However, I still wasn't able to lie back and receive pleasure the way I had with previous lovers earlier in my life. I'm not sure what I'm stuck about.

Any advice on what to do and how to communicate about it would be greatly appreciated. I really care about him and don't want to hurt his feelings or discourage his sincere efforts. :)

Thank you!

Dear P,

This is when I remind women to see fucking as foreplay for masturbation! Really you have done nearly everything possible to "encourage, teach and even show him" what you like and it's not working. So it would seem that the best approach would be to accept him the way he is and enjoy what does work.

He could train himself to sustain an erection longer during his personal practice of masturbation. There are books that deal with this issue. In my own e-book *Orgasms for Two* there is a chapter on how my partner trained himself very successfully to last longer. However it does take commitment and practice. One obvious solution that few couples think of is using a dildo (your size choice) so when he "peters out" he simply lubes up a laytex dick which would allow you to "lay back and enjoy that long fuck women dream of but rarely get."

Also remember as we age, it takes longer for women to orgasm. One of my successful solutions was to stimulate my clitoris by hand or with a vibrator while he was focused on doing slow vaginal penetration. Worked like a dream every time. So you can weigh the pluses and minuses and move toward an acceptance mode. Or find a much younger virile lover for fucking and keep this one as your primary partner.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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What's the truth about erections, anyway?

Sat, 07/19/2014 - 15:49

There are some real paradoxes in contemporary sexology, and one of them is on the role of the erect penis in hetero sex. I've never heard of a woman being criticized because she had an orgasm before her partner did, but it's common to do this to men. Presumably this is because men are expected to lose their erection for the rest of the session after they come. If this happens, it's often a self-fulfilling prophecy based on misinformation. Many men, if they train themselves and realize that it's possible, can simply stay hard and keep going after that first orgasm and have more. There's a minute or two of hypersensitivity after coming, but it passes quickly. With enough stimulation and mental excitement, it's often possible to keep going for as long as desired. What doesn't work in my experience is continuously fighting one's excitement and seeing orgasm as a failure. We should be welcoming the pleasure we feel, not treating it as an enemy. If people's orgasm schedules aren't in sync, which is the norm, then they should practice immediately flowing into other techniques to pick up the slack.

Men are raised with tremendous psychological pressure to have a prolonged erection. In recent years, however, we've been repeatedly told that penis-in-vagina sex is not how most women have their orgasms. Nevertheless, the social and sexological stigma of 'premature ejaculation' and 'erectile dysfunction' has apparently not diminished one bit.

In effect, men today are simultaneously being told that erections aren't terribly important to women, but they'd better have one anyway---and it had better last as long as their partner might want to make use of it. To say the least, this double message is confounding. The penis has been de-throned in importance (fair enough), but loss of erection for any reason is still considered a kind of shameful failure. Somebody is trying to have it both ways. If the penis does such a poor job of pleasing women, then it's time to end performance pressure on men. Simple as that. It's only fair.

I understand that many straight couples might still enjoy PIV intercourse sometimes, both for bonding and for pleasure. If erectile issues are truly interfering with a particular couple's mutual satisfaction, as they are with P and her boyfriend, then they do need to be addressed. However, there are endless ways to have fulfilling partner sex, from intercourse to vibrators to oral sex. Flexibility and creativity, along with mutual caring and a sense of fun, will go a long way to ensuring that both partners get what they need.

Actually do it in his presence

Sun, 07/20/2014 - 09:49
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

When a woman says: 'I showed him how I masturbate' it can mean at least two different things.

She tells us she demonstrated her boyfriend superficially how her hands and body move, in which angle, how she breathes, when she masturbates solo.

Or, she has actually masturbated until orgasm in his presence. The way I see it, the latter alternative is so rare we do not immediately even postulate it has taken place.

I doubt a woman who is able to comfortably get off in bf's presence confronts the same kind of couplesex challenges as the woman who isn't.
If a woman could master the skill of orgasming in partnersex context, her reasons for frustration would shrink substantially since her options controlling her own pleasure and climax(es) would increase.

She would become independent in a healthy way which would make her a more contented and more interesting partner in a relationship.
She would not mind at which phase of session he reaches his orgasm.
The couple would enjoy spontaneity together in harmony. They would be able to modify the process of their lovemaking, reverse the order of events to the opposite, for example, instead of staying in a rigid pattern.

'She's not orgasming during mutual sex' would simply vanish in thin air as a valid way to formulate the problem.

There would be no more subtle requirements piling up on his head: Him needing to last longer, his erection needing to be harder, him touching her the right way, not applying the pressure improperly. Or, him reaching orgasm too soon, before her, as a pattern. 

Nor would she have to worry about giving him the right instructions in tiresome self-monitoring mode, remembering to be positive, not losing patience, not showing frustration, correcting his moves, observing if he is learning. Wondering which instructions would work better next time. 

It is not easy to overcome inhibitions by making masturbation (solo, mutual), a staple of partnersex. I cannot however see any other way in order to get rid of the frustration.

If we women will not become owners, schedulers and operators of our orgasms in partnersex, we prolong expecting our pleasure predominantly to result from something he does, or doesn't.

The expectation makes our couplesex-pleasure dependent from factors that we never can hope change or control to our liking. So we remain vulnerable to accumulating frustration. We go on with unnecessary helplessness when life could be so much richer with pleasure belonging to everyone.   
We will never be satisfied with a mutual sex-pattern where her satisfaction is haphazard for keeps and his experience is pleasurable in a dependable manner.

subsequent orgasms

Sun, 07/20/2014 - 09:54

Well said, Patrick. I was thinking the same thing. There should be no wrong/right time for a man to orgasm, any more than for a woman. 
In my recent experience, my lover would usually orgasm fairly quickly from oral or other stimulation. We never stopped there. We continued to enjoy each other in a variety of ways. Within a short time, he would be hard again, and eventually we would enjoy PIV intercourse. He did last longer after he had the initial orgasm, so that allowed us to both enjoy penetration for a longer period of time.
Here's another thought: I've noticed that when I masturbate, I orgasm much more readily after I achieve the first orgasm. I wonder how it would work if a woman enjoyed a vibrator orgasm, as foreplay or maybe after the man has had his first orgasm, and then went on to oral or PIV sex. I wonder if she might be able to enjoy additional orgasms after the pressure is off both of them to have their climax at the appropriate "time" to please the other.
Betty suggests fucking as foreplay for partner sex. What if you turn that around, and use the vibrator to kind of break the ice, and have the vibrator orgasm be the foreplay for whatever comes later?
I'm going to try that if and when partner sex happens again. For now, I just enjoy the heck out of my toys.

Good ideas, Collette

Sun, 07/20/2014 - 15:02

Thank you, Collette, I appreciate your comments.

Your experience mirrors my thoughts about what could make partner sex more satisfying for many straight couples. If the man happens to have a quick first orgasm, he can usually get hard again in short order and it's back to enjoying one another again. There's no need to stop in frustration---we can just transition into something else that we've learned our partner enjoys. Oral sex, for example, or having that favorite vibrator handy. It just takes some creativity, some understanding, and a commitment to mutual pleasure however it's achieved.

Your observation that your first orgasm makes it easier to have more orgasms is really interesting to me. Maybe when we have that first orgasm our genitals 'wake up' and become extra-sensitive. My own second orgasms are usually more intense than the first, which makes me think you're on to something. I think it's worth experimenting with. If a woman has her first orgasm via a vibrator, for example, she might start the next round already excited and primed for more. And it's true that both sexes can feel pressure to orgasm at the 'right time'. Having those first orgasms earlier rather than later could really reduce that pressure. Vibrator or oral foreplay to orgasm for both partners could make the rest of the session flow better and be much more fun and relaxed. Great idea.

I hope good partner sex happens for you again. In the meantime, it's a good thing we all have our toys!

Benefits of he coming at the prelude stage

Mon, 07/21/2014 - 03:56
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

His orgasms at the prelude stage of partnersex do not signify it is over.
In partnersex, my experiece confirms the many benefits of giving him the chance to orgasm fairly quickly, at the beginning.
He enjoys penetration best at the early part of the session. Why not do it then instead of making him wait and lose the precious first sensations? As commentators testify, this procedure may guarantee for him several more orgasms and enthusiastic presence in the continuing session.
Intercourse serves here as lead-in for a woman who knows she can take the time and space for her own orgasm soon. With one vibrator for her and why not another for him. My bf, 67, has learned to like vibrations as a part of a partnersex session.
If she feels she cannot masturbate in his presence this time because of performance pressure, lack of concentration, whatever, and nevertheless in no way she intends to give up orgasming, there are ways to solve this on the spot:
By mutual agreement she can retreat to another room or a few meters farther into her own space for a long enough period for her orgasm. He makes use of the moment as best he can.
Orgasm in two spaces. Sounds funny, but it works. When she returns, she is willing and able for some more serious extended penetrative sex (PIV or dildo). 
Better yet if, at the early part of the partnersex session she puts her strategic plan in words by saying something like 'you can now come in for a while'. So, he will be definitely informed.
Being very clear about your intentions on a given occasion is of great importance.
Strategies change, and telling it like it is, is one enjoyable form of sex not to be omitted.

Lions on the plain

Wed, 07/23/2014 - 08:00

You're experiencing a quirk of biology. Men climax more easily and quicker than women by design (so to speak heh.) Using lions as my go-to example, they'll mate over and over sonetimes for days. The male cumming very quickly then needing to rest while the female remains receptive (and attacking him after each time oweing to feline penises being barbed.) But this evolved to ensure that the breeding male's genes get passed on 'flushing out' any other male's sperm replacing it with their own.

So when thinking about sex, remember it's evolved for a purpose - reproduction. Females will last longer to receive as much semen as the breeding male can give. That our complex brains have overcomplicated sex hasn't changed the simple nature of it though. So what you need to do here is simply recognize that what's happening is nature and evolution. But because we're humans we've becone very good at denying nature and short-circuiting it :)

If your fella cums easily with you, don't let him do whatever gets him off. I've always preferred giving my lovers pleasure before accepting any for myself. I masturbate and cum a couple or more times each day so for me sex isn't about me getting off, but me getting to give those pleasures to another. My ideal lovers then are those who make sex about giving, not taking so things even out and we're both satisfied. Until sex is more about giving, people are really settling for other things in their relationships overlooking the sexual disatisfaction valueing other things more. But a good person should be making the sex about their partner. If they're unhappy not getting off, they shouldn't be able to perform very well.

My advice? Buy a bullwhip :)

Try another technique.

Wed, 09/03/2014 - 19:15
candrew (not verified)

I  suggest that your BF uses FIV (fingers in vagina) or a dildo while you massage your clit with your fingers or vibe. As you begin to orgasm, have him enter PIV to support your orgasm even more. It's a different sensation and it has worked very well for me and my partner.

ERECTION fact or myth?

Thu, 11/06/2014 - 23:46

PatrickR,
I think society has pressed the issue that men need to last longer to 'make the girl cum' but that seemes to be perpetuated by GUYS, thinking if only they were bigger or last longer their woman would get off with PIV. Part of that may also be fueled by women faking if they last a bit longer for the hopes of a magic orgasm happening. BUT, a woman may want to push that issue of staying harder longer for a couple of reasons vastly different...the ones who do not orgasm from PIV....number one, it feels good to have penetration while stimulating the clit...it is the best and I personally like to climax with a penis inside the vagina. For me it is enhanced. Some women say their orgasm is diffused by the presence of a penis and prefer to come when not penitrated. Another reason which sounds silly, but we all do grow up with our crazy preferances do we not, women feel if a man is not hard, he is not excited, and if he is not hard and excited with me, it must be because he is not turned on by me...then what is wrong with me starts to happen by us insecure ladies...we internalize it to be our faults.
I had dated a guy who had ED very bad. Every time we had sex I was constantly at work on his didk trying to get him hard, to the point he did not do one frigging thing to me! He drove me nuts because when I would go home, he would call me on my cell as I just left his place and say to me "OH, you should see my hard-on NOW!" and then go on and on how much he wanted to fuck me...I WAS JUST THERE and he couldn't. He had such performance anxiety and I was so good to him, saying he was not there to perform for me. I was patient, even when he finally did get sort of hard he would screw me for like five seconds, then climax, then proceed to get out of bed to smoke a cigarette or go watch tv....leaving me there high and dry (maybe not so dry) I was sitting there staring up at the ceiling and saying to myself..."I know I am not masochistic..what the fuck am I doing this for???" Of course he did not care or did it matter if I ever came, he never asked and I assumed he thought that when HE came I did. That relationship did not last long, I can assure you of that because I found out he was severely addicted to porn and that is why his ED was such an issue. When he started to request I wear high heels, had to be with black stockings, had to put on thick eye liner make up and red lipstick, had to wear black clothes...a little role playing was fine for a while, but every time? AND when he asked me to dye my blonde hair black...that was the final straw. As I soon saw my reflection in the mirror that I started to look like a Sophia Loren hooker on drugs, I said G'bye to that guy for good!
But the erection thing, women take offense when a guy cannot get it up for the reasons I said, maybe some other gals could expand on the theory. I'd love to know what they think too...guys too.

Erections---fact or myth, important or not?

Sat, 11/08/2014 - 12:45

ORS, your interesting comments highlight some of the oddities about the state of hetero sex and PIV intercourse. Maybe we'll hear from some other women about your thoughts. For women who like penetration, an erection that lasts for a while would be a plus, especially when combined (as you and Betty like to do) with clitoral stimulation. Male erection is such an obvious sign of arousal that I can see women wondering what's wrong if their male partner is seldom or never erect; I'm sure most women would worry that their partner just wasn't into them. Of course, most of us know that there could be numerous other reasons for erectile problems, such as stress, worry, depression, performance anxiety, alcohol use, medication, and so on. From your description of that sorry boyfriend, you seem to have run into some of the worst lovers of all time. I hope that at least some of your relationships have been considerably better than that!

Dr Betty herself stresses the benefits (to the woman) of male 'come control'---postponing male orgasm during intercourse to be more in sync with the more prolonged female pattern of sexual arousal. I would guess that women who feel this way do like penetration, but have been frustrated one too many times by their partner's orgasming just as the woman was beginning to enjoy it, or was even getting close to coming herself. This would be all the more frustrating if the male partner was so self-focused that he just stopped all stimulation after his orgasm and didn't even notice that his partner had been left hanging. It's obviously extremely important to be sensitive to our partner's state of arousal. Many men can continue thrusting after their first orgasm (and even come again) and stay hard (or hard enough) for intercourse to continue, if they know that their partner really wants it to keep going. Or they can flow into other techniques they know their partner enjoys. But for any of this to work, the mutual communication has to be clear and honest.

For men, the information they hear from sexologists about intercourse can sound baffling and self-contradictory. Men may hear that PIV sex is all but useless for helping a woman to climax, but may be told in the next breath that they need to develop 'come control' and delay their orgasms anyway until . . . when exactly? Until their partner is satisfied? But we've been told that intercourse is probably never going to do this for her in any case, which no doubt leaves many men wondering what the hell is really going on. Is intercourse poor for female orgasm because the clitoral stimulation in most positions is too indirect? Because it usually doesn't last long enough, or there hasn't been enough skilled foreplay? Because the woman doesn't know she should be doing her own clitoral stimulation? All of the above? It almost makes me suggest to couples to put intercourse at the very bottom of their priority list, as something to enjoy after both partners have had at least one orgasm from other means such as oral or manual. That could really take the pressure off, and make intercourse more relaxed and intimate instead of a mismatched (and possibly frustrating and stressful) race to orgasm. Every lover is different, and we all need to learn a new lover's patterns and preferences. But in general, men ought to know that their female partner is probably going to have her best and easiest orgasms from oral, manual, or vibrator sex. Which is wonderful, because none of these methods promotes erection anxiety. So it seems that erections may have a certain usefulness, but are by no means all-important as most of us have been taught. Good news for both men and women! Maybe the most important factors in good sex are communication, mutual good will, a sense of humor, and the willingness to do whatever it takes to make sure everyone goes to sleep happy and content.

You said a mouthful PatrickR

Sat, 11/08/2014 - 15:31

PatrickR,

I did laugh at your statement of having the worst lovers of all time, all because it's so true. Unfortunately, among four decades of heterosexual wanderings, and half of that in a marriage, to say sex was disappointing is an understatement. I guess my husband was the most attentive partner I had out of that sorry lot, and what poor commentary it is to admit that. And I wanted SO MUCH to have a good sex life because I loved sex, still do. Only a short and brief time was sex sort of okay, getting by with the hubby and at least I was having organs with PIV, but he was very limited to what he would do other than oral sex for him. No changing positions...I longed to be on top or taken from behind but no...he was not a big enough fit to do that and only whores wanted it that way as he so explained. I guess he was the Madonna-whore prototype. And yet he cheated on me thru the entire marriage going to prostitutes and other women for most likely those very things I wanted and was eager to try. All the other guys were a variation on the same theme - Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. And this was after the great sexual revolution. I never knew what it was to have a great guy as my partner. I thought at least all the work I put into the ED guy, he'd try something to give me in return, but when I asked for a bit of manual stimulation for a bit of reciprocation, while doing that he put the football game on! He was so into the game his hand stopped after about a minute, shouting to the TV at players who couldn't hear him, I just laid there in amazement how he could do that to me, unbelievable. I could fill a book with stories like this what was my terrible history with partner sex. Forty years of trying until I felt so jaded, I pulled myself off the market. So is it any wonder after I was divorced, I gave up on partner sex forever. I bought a Hitachi Magic wand and rely on that for sex, but I miss human contact and intimacy. I never got much of that either from my hetero relationships, but at least my male friends make up for the companionship I crave with guys. I was a big daddy's girl so I always loved men and enjoy their company. I loved my gay male friends too but they all died from AIDS. :(

I totally agree that guys can get mixed messages about erections and length of time they seem required to have to prolong that beyond what feels natural...and does not seem fair. I was with hubby, who could stay hard for nearly 45 minutes, and guys who only made it for 45 seconds. Many men CAN continue thrusting after their first orgasm and my husband could. I liked that so I could have up to three orgasms in one session, because I'm multi-orgasmic. He even faked for me sometimes so I'd get there quicker. When he tried, he wasn't too bad. First 7 years was good, the rest all downhill. But getting back to guys and erections, the ED guy really challenged me, he made it my problem, then flaunted it in my face when I was unsuccessful and he was alone (with his porn tape running and hard as a rock) but he never told me that. I started to feel sexless and ugly and I could not get this man excited, even after he pursued me relentlessly for two years before I dated him.

For men, the information they hear from sexologists about intercourse does sound baffling and self-contradictory. I would have to say a guy has to consider all of the choices you outlined, holding off for her orgasm till she comes, or to prove there is excitement felt since a guy cannot hide it, Yer stuff is out there to see so somebody is always judging it to their own subset of standards..a highly vulnerable position to be in...guys, I get it! I most really do understand and I would almost say all of the examples seem mandatory for standard PIV based sex.

To make matters worse there are female sharks out there to hurt men...the size queens for one. I know women who refuse to date a man under nine inches...no joke. They will insult a guy to their face and ask a man what he thinks he is going to do with THAT, when he is the average six inches or so. Women are so jammed up with resentment about guys and how we are mistreated...I will tell you flat out that they refuse to feel sorry for a man in those areas. They get downright persnickety about it too! "Oh, too bad, he can't last long enough to fuck over another woman, huh..." sort of attitude prevails. I hate when women do that and I get heat for sticking up for the enemy! ED is devastating to a man especially when every culture on this planet celebrates the fully erect penis, even the ancients...just count all the fertility gods and see what they look like...penises! The size queens will have all that down for sure. To me they are ridiculous, only perpetuating the negative aspects of hetero sex and widening the gap.

Revenge fucking seems to be the rage these days too, especially for infidelity. It is all so convoluted now. I wish both sexes could put away all the bullshit and prefabricated lies of what sex is supposed to be. I've always been a free spirit sort, guess the flower child thing really was made for me and when it hit in my generation, I was in flower power haven! People are so goal oriented and in a defensive state to survive, but it need not be in the bedroom. I always said, there should be at least ONE person in this world you can be real and honest with, and that should be your sex partner, gay or straight. Too much hate and sadness in this world, we all need a safe place to turn to with open arms. But I do not see much of that these days, happy to see it when a genuine and loving couple makes it, but so rare. People try on other people and discard them like yesterday's underwear, and unless we as human beings make that choice of how we are placing ourselves among the fray, it's gonna get even more messy.

.

Empathy and sexual skill

Sun, 11/09/2014 - 05:12

ORS, I'm truly sorry you've had such awful experiences with partner sex. Even your ex-husband, who wasn't a total wash in bed, was so unadventurous on top of being unfaithful. No wonder you became jaded. You might keep in mind that there are thoughtful, skilled men out there, but it's definitely difficult to meet the right person. The ideal is to combine a great lover with a best friend, and it can happen, but it's not necessarily easy.

Dr Betty writes of men who provide a little 'clumsy, harsh' foreplay and then want to jump right into intercourse. There are two kinds of people who would do this: those who don't know any better, and those who don't care. Probably the worst lovers of all are those who are both ignorant and indifferent, like that football-loving lout you dated. On top of everything else, he was nasty. Typical of such a person that he'd blame you for his problems. One can often teach a nice but unskilled person better technique, but there isn't much to be done with somebody who doesn't give a damn.

It's almost hard to believe that some people can be so selfish, but I know it's true from my own experiences. I was with a woman once who would initiate sex, get me interested, and then let me help her have an orgasm. (I hadn't come, and she knew it). Whereupon she turned over, rolled away from me, and went to sleep. Like you, I was incredulous that anyone could be so thoughtless. When this happened twice in a row, I knew it was no fluke and I wanted no more of it.

There doesn't seem to be any area of sex as fraught with confusion and contradictions as PIV intercourse. I think that's going to continue until the uneasy balance between the sexes evens out a bit more. There's been a movement to demythologize intercourse, to be truthful about its limitations for women, and to involve women as full partners, which is very healthy. On the other hand, men are still burdened with all the old-style expectations and pressures but aren't given any convincing reason why. They're still supposed to stay hard, last 'a long time', and never, ever 'come too soon'. I think that many caring couples still manage to work around all the confusion by using common sense and their familiarity with their partners, but sometimes I think it's a wonder anybody navigates these murky waters.

Yes, women can definitely be mean as well. Refusing to date anyone under nine inches? Good luck with that. I pity the man who actually passes their tape measure test, because he'll soon find that size is only the beginning of their scornful demands. What those 'size queens' are doing is the same thing that narcissistic men do when they refuse to date a woman unless she's under thirty, has huge breasts, and will cater to their every wish. As for being judgemental about someone's ED, there could be all sorts of reasons for erectile problems and ridicule is just cruel. The problem with being cruel to people who don't meet your 'standards' is that the cruelty doesn't stop there. It contaminates the unkind person's psyche and becomes second nature, until they're equally cruel to themselves and don't understand why they've become bitter and have driven away most of the people who once cared about them. Seeking revenge is corrosive; it always damages the vengeance-seeker in the end. If we mistreat someone because we've been mistreated, we're perpetuating the cycle of hate. Using and discarding people is fashionable amongst a certain set, but it too makes me sad because of the useless suffering it brings. Our culture preaches ruthlessness in getting what we want, then tells us we have to leave it behind in our personal relationships. It doesn't work that way. Kindness is its own reward, it really is.

It seems to me that good lovers are good empathizers, and can imagine what it must be like to have the body and feelings their partner has. They know that every partner is an individual, and they pay attention to body language and other cues. Women who truly enjoy having sex with men, and are really good at it, seem to have a 'feel' for what feels good to a man even though they don't have a penis, and I think the same is true of good male lovers and vulvas. It's the opposite of the mechanical techniques that somebody unskilled or indifferent would use.

I too would love for people to leave their assumptions and pre-judgements behind when they get together, and just proceed with basic acceptance and good will towards one another. It might help us if we get to know one another more gradually when we first meet, on a physical as well as an emotional level. Let emotional and physical intimacy evolve together, I mean. It might make for stronger, more real partnerships, and many fewer hurt feelings. As always, I'm enjoying our discussion.

Mainstream Porn Does NOT Represent Natural Male Sexuality

Tue, 11/11/2014 - 10:41
Melting Icicles (not verified)

I would really like to point out here how mainstream pornography does not in fact portray natural male sexuality. It's just what men have been BRAINWASHED into liking or thinking is how sex is supposed to be done. It's really no wonder why Betty and some of those on D&R here hate men and that the men on here don't want to identify as real men if they all think the rushed into and quick PIV fucking and then quick disposal of the woman after a quick orgasm ("Wham. Bam. Thank you, ma'am.") style of sex commonly depicted in mainstream pornography is how cheap natural male sexuality and sensuality truly is. It's not. It stems from the sexually conservative religious procreative model that holds sexual gratification as a taboo and that sex is supposed to be for procreative purposes only. A quick release of sperm into a woman's vagina is all that is needed. Think about it: you live in a society that tries to keep sex hidden and taboo, so you don't learn much about it aside from the general facts. Your only real source of a sexual outlet that delves into sex is porn magazines and porn sites found on the internet. These magazines and porn sites all primarily depict this shove-the-dick-into-a-hole-and-get-it-over-with-quick way of having sex and show the participants having mind-blowing orgasms from it like it really works. It starts to really look like that is the best way to have sex when one goes through thousands and thousands of videos, pictures, and stories that all portray this very same thing! The men, when they start to have sex, they try to emulate what they have seen in porn thousands of times thinking that is the way to have sex and it seems to work pretty good for them, as a quick release, anyways. The women, they think that those amazing orgasms that those porn starlets have from that quick, rough, and short rabbit fucking is how a woman's body is supposed to work and think that there must be something wrong with themselves because they are not having orgasms from what is heavily portrayed as the ultimate, top-notch sex act of all that everyone is supposedly supposed to orgasm from. Lots of them just fake orgasms to try to keep things in order for the men they are having sex with. The men who gain experience with several different women through their lives, many which fake orgasm, when they come across a woman who has not been sucked up too much into the porn hype and is honest about herself not having orgasms from his way of sex, the man will think that she just doesn't like him or that it's just her personal problem judging from how other women he has been with in his life, pornography, and society in general have repetitively imposed onto him that that is the ultimate way to having sex.

With that said, there were some things in your post that stood out to me that I would like to talk to you about that have to do with my point mentioned above, about male homosexuality.

"I loved my gay male friends too but they all died from AIDS. :("

Do you know why that is that all of your gay male friends died of AIDS? The same problem with mainstream heterosex porn is the same problem with male-on-male gay pornography. Gay porn uses that same model of sex the straight porn uses with the exception of it being a man's rectum instead of a woman's vagina. The anus and the rectum are not even real sex organs. They don't particularly function as such. The anus and the rectum contain no nerve endings that are erogenous. For instance, try laying down or sitting on the toilet and take your finger and gently circle the tip of your finger around where your anus is but not directly on it. Notice that sensation on your perineum? Then try twirling that finger directly onto your anus. Nothing really, right? The whole notion that the rectum is a sex organ that can be used for penis fucking is a porn myth like the vaginal orgasm. Most of that wonderful sensation that many claim to experience from recieving anal sex is from the penis rubbing up against the surrounding perineum during the ass fucking. You may have also heard about how the prostate gland is just this amazing source of pleasure for males when massaged properly. It's not. It's just some more mainstream porn hype. All's that massaging a man's prostate really does is help him ejaculate from the pressure placed onto it in some cases and that is pretty much it. It does not induce men with this erogenous pleasure like the porn myth strongly claims. There is also a female equivilant to this porn hype, that putting pressure on the skene's gland(female prostate equivilant) through PIV intercourse will just send women going into these convulsive orgasms. When all's it really does is maybe help women ejaculate from the additional pressure placed there.
Anal sex is the primary cause of the spread of HIV and a host of other sexually vectored diseases, which is why things like HIV+ and AIDS are known as gay diseases due to the fact that anal sex is heavily advertised as the ultimate male-to-male sex act like PIV sex is to heterosexual coupling. Gay males are by far the highest demographic to have STDs and have the highest death rates from STDs due to this. The rectum is more fragile and is a lot more prone to fissuring or rupturing from fucking than the vagina is. The ass does not contain the kind of pathogen-fighting bacteria that the vulva and the vagina contain that help fight off STD causing bacteria and HIV. In fact, the rectum contains bacteria and microorganisms, most which serve as a purpose for the digestive process inside the large intestine, that are usually pathogenic when they are spread to any other regions of the body. Take for instance, you may have heard that anything that a woman inserts into her rectum must not be inserted into her vagina afterwards due to the fact that there are flora inside the rectum that are pathological if gotten into inside the vagina.
The ultra falsified hype about anal sex is only 1 of the great lies strongly imposed by the gay community or what has been established as the gay community, I should say. What has made up the gay community is not a true representation of what natural male homosexuality is or what majority of males with same sex attraction are truly like. The only thing they represent is themselves.

There's an article about all of this that you might want to read:

http://man2manalliance.org/crw/frot/not.html

Also another great article to read:

http://man2manalliance.org/crw/frot/whatis.html

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