While He's F*cking Me He's Thinking of Her

Wed, 04/30/2014 - 13:12
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

I wrote to you about a year ago. My husband & I have been married nearly 25 years. For most of this time no matter what I tried he was never passionate or seemed very interested in sex, & for many years he wouldn't fantasize even denying he ever did. He also used to loose his erection (it was rather frustrating for both of us!) when we did make love. Last year I suggested again that he have a chat with our GP, & he decided this time he would. He was given some Prozac which helped him sustain his erection which was good.

Although he says he couldn't live without me & loves me very much(!) he has only ever wanted to make love when we went on holidays which sounds odd but is true . (Maybe that has to do with him going to boarding school at 7 years old?). We also discovered a fantasy he'd had for an older boy Che (my word for cock) whilst at boarding school. That was in my previous email to you when I explained that I suspected he had a crush on an older friend of mine. I decided to try & get some spice into our rather dull sex life by introducing her as a fantasy.

Wow! He came alive & I enjoyed it; finally showing PASSION!! I introduced other fantasies and these are fun, but this lady is his obsession although he says he couldn't actually live with her but he's crazy about the thought of sex with her. However, she's taken over our sex life every time (in fantasy land) and I'm uncomfortable with that. While he's fucking me he's thinking of her all the time. I'm not at ease with the situation.

This fantasy has been going on for about three years and he also uses it when masturbating alone. Betty, in case this is relevant, I'm a youthful slim attractive 70 year old, my husband is the same (swims most days so is fit) at 66, & my friend is 78, also very sexy. I don't think she knows about this but has always been quite flirtatious with my husband although we don't see her very regularly. At first I thought I could cope with a threesome but now I'm a bit more emotionally cautious as I don't really know how I'd feel with the reality if it got out of hand. I'd really appreciate your advice.

Many thanks.

Dear J,

This is a perfect example of be careful what we ask for. You wanted hubby to show more passion but not THAT much passion over a girlfriend of yours once he got started. So you are now between a rock and hard place.

Your question: "At first I thought I could cope with a threesome but now I'm a bit more emotionally cautious as I don't really know how I'd cope with the reality if it got out of hand."

Actually it's already "out of hand" given your current feelings. It just might ease the situation if you actually did have a threesome. To experience the reality is always quite different than imagining something. Who knows, you might find yourself attracted to your girlfriend and the two of you end up having a closer friendship or even a lighthearted affair.

This actually happened to me years ago when I was in an actual three-way. Both of us girls were sharing oral sex on his penis, so our faces and mouths were close together. At one point we just naturally begin kissing each other. When I saw it was turning us both on, my jealousy instantly subsided once it took the sex emphasis off of him and put it onto us. In another situation, my primary lover's latest sex interest turned out to be my first ongoing affair with a woman. Since that time, instead of driving ourselves crazy with jealous feelings over a lover or husband, my fantasy has always been that both women walk off into the sunset fully satisfied with one another.

Finally you might want to discuss this with your husband openly but I doubt he would change. Once they find what turns them on, they're not likely to give it up due to "male privilege" that's still rampant in our culture. One other option that might lesson your obsession over hubby would be to get a new sexual interest of your own. Even if it was just an online affair, it could still be quite engaging. So it's either embrace his new sexual interest or get one of your own. Personally I'd do both, but then, I'm a bit of a sex piggy.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time