How Do I Overcome Jealousy?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 08:24
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I'm a 30yr old female living in North America. I've been in a monogamous relationship for almost 3yrs now. We have the most amazing sexual relationship I have ever experienced and as a result we have both been able to openly discuss and explore all of our kinks and fantasies. I've never felt so sexually liberated.

For the past year or so we have been discussing sexual openness in the relationship in the form of inviting others into bed with us (threesomes, group sex, public sex in sex clubs- both male and female). He has also said that he wouldn't have a problem if I were to go out on my own and have sexual encounters with other women outside the relationship. I have very open views about sex and completely understand in my logical brain that sexual pleasure with other individuals does not necessarily equate to having romantic feelings. I experience it myself all the time when I lust for other men but have no feelings for them in the way I feel for my partner.

We have said we are fully committed to each other and plan to eventually have children together, but I understand that being with the same person for 20+ years will have its difficulties. I would like to be in a committed relationship with him and have a family, but also have the possibility for either of us to pursue non-serious relationships (sexual or not) outside of our partnership.

The only problem is that I still find myself grappling with bouts of horrible jealousy. When it's happening, I logically know that it's a toxic emotion and I have no reason to be experiencing it, but that horrible gut feeling is still there and eats away at me. I really want to be able to work through these feelings but haven't the slightest idea where to start. I can't even seem to find a pattern to them. Most women I am absolutely comfortable seeing him flirt with but others turn me into a horribly catty person. I just can't seem to work my brain through this. I'm not sure if it's something with the larger picture I can't seem to see or just simple and basic insecurities I need to deal with.

I do believe that this would be a far healthier option to traditional monogamy in the long term for us. We've been attending events in the polyamory community (we luckily reside in a large city where these communities are available to us) and have frequented public sex lounges. We're trying to slowly introduce ourselves to the way of life as it's a difficult process breaking down all the old ways of thinking that you've been bombarded with growing up.

If you could send any words of wisdom or direct me to any resources that could help me in my sexual revolution I would be forever grateful!

-E

ps. I would also like to deeply and truly thank you for all that you have done for the liberation of sexual beings. Carlin and yourself have inspired me beyond words. Thank you.

Dear E,

The first problem I see is that your partner feels OK about you having sex with another women BUT how about you having sex with another man? If he's not OK with that then there's your first problem. The sexual double standard will not work in any kind of a open sex style. What's good for the goose is just as good for the gander.

As for the jealousy part, I wish I had an answer, but alas, I do not. Other than to simply sweat it out. When I was overcome by the green eyed monster I just had to let it wear off which eventually it did. When jealousy finally went away, I think it was when I reached a point of not depending so much on my significant lover. In other words, I could see myself living a full life alone or with another partner. But when couples are in the depths of romantic love and our happiness appears to depend upon this ONE person, any hot gal can become a threat.

For some men who don't seem to have the jealousy gene, I suspect that losing his lover simply means he'll get a new one. Women as a rule put more emphasis on keeping a man once we can have orgasms with him. As you know, that's NOT accomplished so easily. Whereas most guys can ejaculate nearly every time even with a new gal. (generally speaking mind you). This is why some couples experiment with an open relationship and eventually return to monogamy. Then one or both will end up with the "don't ask don't tell" system when occasionally they do slip into bed with that delicious intriguing stranger. Ain't love grand?

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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afraid of not loving

Wed, 04/02/2014 - 06:38
simpletimeless (not verified)

afraid of not loving enough

nothing is wrong......their is no right way of loving

we have lived in a world that promotes dependencies, there are so many types of love.....

we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves a lot of women feel that being rejected by a man means being rejected by the whole world, because in some way they are the representatives of this fast and short shelf life life.....

A lot of men have been very jealous and territorial too but they usually burst with anger and women usually with shame. Men don't usually attribute the fault to themselves, they usually blame the girl for being a slut or not being worthy of him and perhaps that is one of the reasons that they find it so easy to find somebody new...that probably will end up not being enough for his ''royal highness'' but men a born into power and we know that power corrupts, it's not entirely their fault for not questioning themselves and seeking other ways of being in the world

confusion......

masturbation is enough but monogamy isn't?

Maybe we are scared to admit that we have no choice than to be in a monogamous relationship all our lives....WITH OURSELVES

Embrace freedom of choice...maybe we have to insist in the alternatives to monogamy because we have been so repressed in the pas,t but sometimes it feels that sex becomes an extreme sport or an addiction when the previous thing just doesn't satisfy you anymore and you end jumping from a bridge with no rope or overdosing, or......

i know it's what we need to live in this moment in time because of our past, it seem like America is the world of extremes, it's what makes it so interesting and dysfunctional but at the same time it has become the display window of all human possibilities.....

But should we judge or define people for sexual preferences including being satisfied by one other person or even by themselves, maybe I'm trying to justify the fact that I'm in a ''maturbatiomous'' relationship and quite satisfied. Of course i seek touching and being touch...but the way and by whom (how many) doesn't seem to bother me at the moment, but maybe it's because i have never been in a monogamous relationship, so i don't know if i want it.

I guess from masturbation to poly is a great step-leap...so.....baby steps my friend, baby steps....

Sometimes seeking many partners is a way to escaping from yourself and the fact that your body is limited....but this is a thought that has been ingrained in us too....close your eyes and you will see the whole universe....

We only get tired of what we think we know....

After experiencing the many ways of ''sex''......maybe we will see the sex in everyday little things the wind that stops and touches your skin, the sand that seeps through your toes, diving into deep blue sea......i just realized while writing that i'm only mentioning natures offerings......is nature more sensuous than artificial life? Is city or ''civilized life more sexual? where buildings are erect in 5 minutes, food eaten is 5 seconds and the new is old in 1...is the loss of contact with nature what makes us want more, fast and extreme? but no.... in the ''artificial world'' there is music and dancing, architecture, paintings, biting into a chocolate souffle that oozes tepid cocoa and coats your mouth......i don't know...there are so many pleasurable things...maybe is that we have become numb to pleasure and numb to pain....nothing seems to surprise us, we can watch the news with people dying while we are eating and cum in 5 minutes watching porn.

Do we have to focus on sensual as much as sexual?

Do we have to re-learn how to feel pleasure?

monogamy is just a choice made by two people, in our culture it has been the ''righ way, the only way'' and that's why we must question it but not because of it's apparent bondage.

i guess we have to redefine what is a relationship....witch is already happening and the concept of family too

there is a lot to think about or experience about..like they say 1% theory 99% practice.it only frightens me a little that sometimes through extremes we can be hurt so much that it takes all our energy to recover....we have seen it through extreme acts of violence, suppression, repression......

it's like eating processed foods sugary, fatty and salty....a carrot just doesn't seem to do anything for us anymore....

like betty says that is why masturbation is so important to approach life with your own power and self knowledge, knowing what you really want and if adversity comes you will be able to recover......this is not selfish, another thing we should work through....

we are more that nature and instinct, we are art , reason, love.......

don't worry be happy......

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