Dear Dr. Betty,
I know this message is very long -- I attached specific instances down below for you to read -- they don't necessarily have to be posted, but if you want me to fit them in I can, otherwise I thought I'd write a concise version that is a good length for readers.
I am a closeted bisexual, and I think my roommate might be as well. We both suspect that the other is less than straight, but it is rarely addressed in any manner beyond comments like "Sometimes I wonder about you" when one of us does something effeminate.
A bit of background, he has been hooking up with his best friends girlfriend for almost 2 years now (neither acknowledge it though). They are in love, and it has gotten more and more serious now that she is actually single, he'll bring her home and I'll hear them make love. Oddly enough though, despite his love for her, while on vacation the other week he hooked up with a different chick. Unfortunately I have feelings for him too.
The weird thing for me though, is that over the past several months he has also done, what I consider, some homoerotic things around me.
There are rumours that I have a huge penis, though I'm sure he knows as he has seen my condoms on my desk. The thing is when drunk, he has made absolutely no qualms about being curious, otherwise while sober he is actually quite homophobic. He would get uncomfortable if I put my hand on his shoulder, or by the fact that he had to carry a lululemon grocery bag because it was 'gay'.
As a result of the various drunken instances, I decided to come out indirectly. Our rooms are right beside each other, so I have been vocal about my masturbation. While no where near as frequent as me, he has also become audible.
Do you think he is bisexual, or is he just curious because I have a big dick?
I want to come out, and I want to know what he feels, but know I can't force it. I have to allow him to come out on his own terms, at his own pace, if he is not actually straight. This whole situation is tearing me a part; I need to do something soon, but also do it in such a way that any fall-out is eliminated/minimized. How do you think I should approach it?
Your input would be greatly appreciated.
Here's the back story:
It all started a year ago, my roommate came home from a business competition – he won, and in his drunken stupor, he burst into my room to tell me the news. I was asleep, but he wanted me to get out of bed and celebrate/tell me all about it. I said no and that I was naked to support the fact that I would not get out of bed; he playfully took the bottom corner of my duvet and lifted it a little signaling me to get out of bed. This was the first time I questioned his sexuality, but I passed it off as a one-off anomaly; nothing really new came up until months later when he invited me to his cabin.
At the start of the summer he invited me up to his cabin with two of his close friends. After a short boat ride we arrived on a tiny island and did a bit of exploring, kayaking, and ended with a bon-fire drinking beer at the beach. Eventually the four of us decided to wrap it up, and we went to our respective beds. The next day we decided to go on a hike. Once we reached the peak, it was at this point he said something that raised my eye-brows; he was hanging out with this girl he has been seeing, and while people-watching they saw a man in a suit getting undressed in his hotel room. He talked about how he saw his butt, and how the experience kind of turned him on. This really stood out to me, but nobody commented on it, instead I said something along the lines of “I didn’t realize you were such a voyeur”; the day continued without any mention of this again, nobody else thought it was an unusual thing to say.
Summer continued and it was around this time that rumours about the size of my penis came to light, but then I went on vacation for the last month of summer, and coming back I started a new job. Over the course of time I’ve been more open in showing what I got (i.e. bought a pair of sweatpants), and he has gotten more hints like seeing my condoms on my desk.
When I started my job there was a lot of drinking, and the first few times I came home late from work I burst into his room in similar fashion to how he did when this all began. First time around it was fine, but it really pissed him off as it happened more frequently (rightfully so), I would basically go in, tell him about my day/try and get him to party, and then pass out on his bed. His frustration was evident, and it eventually culminated in a fight one drunken night.
The night began as a house-warming/house-party welcoming a new roommate. He went to change a record, but he had to bend over so his ass was in my face … another friend noticed and remarked it was something I would like. My roommate responded by saying ‘yeah you like it’ while shaking it in front of my face --I slapped it a few times. Shortly thereafter I criticized the music he put on and then we began to fight. Friends separated us, and then we decided to talk it out upstairs, but it just led to more fighting, I pinned him down on his bed telling him I didn’t want to fight, and ended up leaving. He was yelling and swearing, and specifically got mad about how we ended up on his bed again.
I have never seen such rage in my life. It really shook me to my core; I avoided him for a few days. He later came to apologize, but I told him I didn’t want to talk about it and that I needed some time to think. I approached him later, but our talks have never really worked. We have had one about every four weeks since, and in a couple of them he has cried.
The first talk he just pushed me away as much as possible, saying we could schedule 1 day a week to hang out. The second talk he avoided but I sat him down. I told him I felt depressed, that I felt like I lost a close friend, and that I wanted him to be a rock I could rely on. He cried a lot, and it ended with us hugging it out. Alas words are easier to say than put into action, he hasn’t been there for me, I’ve largely scared him off.
We came home from a party where he kept on opening the bathroom door while I was peeing, and another friend was there to crash on our couch. I went to my room to get into my underwear as normal, went downstairs to get water, they saw the fabric had faded and that my butt-crack was visible. I had no idea, and went to go check by looking at another pair of mine. I knelt down to my laundry basket to look, as they were walking upstairs to see. I let them know I was looking to which my roommate responded by saying “none with cum on them”. They came in to look, and my roommate knelt down too, only he started staring at my package getting closer and closer (until his face was about a few inches away), with my other friend in the room I got nervous and put both my hands on his head to force him away. We went to our respective beds and that was that.
We were at the bar with the girl he was seeing, her best-girlfriend and some other friends. Her friend was basically passed out, and the two of them started talking about the size of my penis, and eventually wanted me to make orgasm sounds. As we were leaving he tried to ditch me to go back to our house with her, but that attempt failed as she biked off to our house. We took the bus and as we arrived home, I opened the door to go inside, he then clenched both my butt-checks with both of his hands. I playfully responded slapping him on the ass a couple times, until we saw her and her best friend already inside. I didn’t want to deal with their friend passed out on my bed, and I didn’t want them to sleep together, so I took his bed. He tried to kick me out, removing the covers, and saying he didn’t want to see me lying that way in his bed. I refused, and they joined the other girl in my bed. The next morning I came to my room and the girls commented on how huge my package looked in my underwear; all sobered up now, he did not look.
Since this incident I have actually been more audible in my masturbating, I know he can hear it, but I know he doesn’t jerk off to it either.
All throughout he has claimed that he is only friends with the girl he has been seeing, and one night I made a comment that indicated otherwise. He approached me and was very upset, he said my acknowledgement of their fooling around made it hard for him to control the situation for them to be just friends. On a personal level, I just wanted them to be open with me about it so that I could move on, and that the doubt about his sexuality raised by not actually fucking her while hooking up for two years could be eliminated. I asked him about this point, and he talked about how “it” isn’t all about sex, and that it is the intimacy that matters most to him. After all was said and done he was visibly shaking, and crying … his arm-pits were soaked in sweat. He said he had never told anyone that before. He also talked about how it scared him that my happiness depended on him as much as it has. At the end all he wanted to know was whether things between us were ok.
Another night we went to our local watering hole, and got a little tipsy. On our walk home I decided I needed to pee, so I relieved myself in a garbage bin. He said I shouldn’t and continued on a little bit, only to turn around and take a picture. I immediately said “hey!” and requested to see. He would not show me, and I said fine, I’ll take it up when we get home. He tried to go to bed in the hopes that I would forget, but I didn’t. I came to his room and refused to leave until I saw it. He tried to argue a case for keeping it, but I responded by telling him I didn’t want him to have a dick-pic of me. I approached him, and he backed up into a corner, using his body to shield it while trying to get a glimpse. I wasn’t very forceful at all. He got a look, while saying he was deleting it. He showed me it was gone for good.
The next morning I was in the bathroom about to take a shower and go to work. He knocked on the door saying he really needed to pee, I said I would just get behind the curtain and he could pee while I showered. He went back to his room, closed the door, and let out an audible grunt, as if out of frustration. I thought that was weird and finished my shower. The bathroom is beside his room, and my room beside his. When I got back to my room I could hear him masturbating.
Four days later we went to a house-party, and when we got home I stripped to my underwear and started brushing my teeth. He then came into the bathroom, walking around me as if to get a view of my package, and asked me if it wasn’t just my underwear that made my balls look huge. I got a little nervous because I started to get hard, and hastily said “no, that is just the way it is,” and went straight to bed.
A few nights later it was just us, our new roommate, and the girl he has been seeing. We played some drinking games, and went out. At the bar she started talking about my penis again. She also came over and spent her first night over in months in his room. Prior to going to bed though, we hung out in the living room, where she continued to quiz me about the size of my member. I finally said ok, if you want to see it come and see. As the two of them rushed over, I undid my belt, and pants. He went for my belt, and commented on how it was already undone. My pants were wide open, and I decided that it was too weird. My roommate, reacted immediately with a look of shame and guilt on his face, he jumped back a bit. His girl was just disappointed, but she didn’t react anything like he did.
For most of these events, the next morning I would allude to what happened, to which he would respond with something that would ignore or kill the conversation.
I must say yours is an example of how hot sexual repression can get between two healthy young men damaged by society's homophobia. Come out, come out where ever you are and abandon that dark closet with all those wasted tears of anger and frustration.
It's the same dynamic between young straight couples fighting against their natural urges to "go all the way" or have some kind of sexual activity that would lead to sharing orgasms. Meanwhile they are both furiously masturbating to the thought of this somehow, someday taking place. Since you and your roommate can hear each other jerking off, you have already had sex together, it's just been in opposite rooms. Get it? For goddess sake, show him your big beautiful penis. You are beyond being a cock tease!
In the end, we are just "sexual" and once we get over our Puritan heritage, we will be able to drop all the labels that do not describe human sexuality. I set out to try every category/label of sexual expression and actually enjoyed them all. Once we get beyond labels, we can just enjoy all the happy orgasms available for the sharing.