Boyfriend Ejaculates But Doesn't Orgasm

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 09:24
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

I have a new boyfriend who I'm very much in love with, and he loves me too. Unfortunately, he's got an unusual sexual situation- he ejaculates, but doesn't orgasm. He says that urinating with a full bladder feels better than ejaculation, most of the time. He's 21. When he was in his early teens his first sexual experience was with a girl who raped him, which put him into deep depression that he still feels today. He went on to some sexual experiences in the days and years after, but apparently has never felt a real orgasm from it.

Because of all this, he says that he can 'take or leave' sex. He likes cuddling me, and kissing me, but it's very infrequently that we progress to more, and then I feel bad because he didn't really enjoy it other than as a 'bonding experience'. (I don't orgasm from penetrative sex either but I still have a high sex drive and enjoy sex a lot)

Other than getting him to go and see a psychologist, which he's very nervous about doing (but I'm encouraging it anyway) what are some ways to help him with his orgasming issue?

Thanks so much.

Dear M,

Love is an emotion that builds slowly over time when it's based on some kind of commitment most often marriage. So your are really talking about a sexual attraction rather than "love." Romantic love or sexual love can be intense with strong feelings but it's not a lasting one.

I would hope at your age that you do not become this young man's unofficial therapist struggling to help him with this sexual block. Beyond supporting him to seek professional help, I'd say hands off. This is his problem that only he can fix. So yes, I'd advise you to move along and meet a healthier young man who can enjoy sex in all it's confusing glory.

Perhaps sharing masturbation might help you both to enjoy sexual feelings that end in orgasm. Right now, his problem becomes yours and you're both clueless. Then you tell me that you feel badly for him! And yet you cannot come from vaginal sex either. This is the blind leading the blind and neither one of you gets to experience any kind of end pleasure. I'd say it's time to turn over a new leaf for the New Year. He get his therapist and you get a functioning lover.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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We're responsible for our own orgasms

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 18:49

He's responsible for his own orgasm as you are for yours. There is only so much you can do to help him. He probably does need that therapy before things will get better for him. My husband was the same way at first. He could ejaculate on me, but was not having an orgasm after doing so. Ejaculation and orgasm were and are separate for him with his orgasm coming after his ejaculation. The difference for us was that he could occasionally orgasm when masturbating, so I knew he could do it. I sat him down, we had a long heart to heart discussion and I pried it out of him. It wasn't easy to get him to tell me, but I got him to tell me. We worked on it together and within a few weeks after that I had him orgasming.


NOWHARD's picture
Fri, 12/27/2013 - 10:03

Hi, There must be an enorous amout of women and men who have never had an orgasm if there whole life's, yet you think its gods given right that we all have them.
Yet they all had good sex lives, all enjoyed there sex lives, yet for somebody who has never had one herself, you want to send your boyfriend off to a psychologest, should you not go as well, and be first through the door.
Please just enjoy your selfs, enjoy your sex lives, and slowly you will both get there, but at a time that suits your bodys, it was manybyears before I had my first mind blowing orgasm, and still dont get one each time I have sex, but I do enjoy my sex life.
Just remember life is there to be enjoyed, if your both enjoying what your now doing, the OK your doing great.
Good Luck

Sex is between the ears

Fri, 11/14/2014 - 09:35
Naja (not verified)

I know it's late for the OP, but others might read this and I don't like the other answers on this question, so ...

Sexual pleasure is mainly a psychological issue, not a physical one. Many people seem to ignore this. I find it strange that you describe this as an orgasm problem. Clearly if your partner has been raped, he is hurt, and it is normal for this pain to be associated, or relived in the context of sexual contact. His orgasms are not his responsibility, and it's not necessarily a solution to just move on to a "functional lover". Note btw that anyone saying something like that about a female rape survivor would be bashed to hell by the feminist community.
We can work on our trauma's, alone and together, and if you care about him, with good communication, understanding and love I'm sure you can help him further.

First of all it might be worth for both of you to read about consent and supporting/having sexual relationships with rape survivors. There are some very good zines, such as "learning good consent" which you can download from the internet.

It might be a good idea to really communicate about what you want both in your sexlives and see if it is at all compatible. If one person just wants to cuddle and the other wants to have sex, clearly you have a problem to solve. Also sex drive varies and some people want to have sex every day whereas others are in the mood once a month. You will need to find out if a monogamous relationship can be satisfying for both of you. It's important to take care not to push/coerce people in doing things they don't really want to do, but I do feel that sex in general works best with people who are open minded enough to give things a try, to search together to what makes you happy instead of condamning a whole bunch of sexual practices without having ever tried them.

There is a lot of sexual pleasure to be found that does not imply orgasm, and I think we are often to much focussed on orgasm. It is just when you do all these other things, when you do not get flashbacks to rape memories, when you trust your lover that you can let go completely that you will reach a high state of sexual arousal which might tip off an orgasm. It is not the orgasm itself that is 'created', rather a state of sexual arousel that permits it. It can be worth doing stuff like long and intimite massages, and it is possible to include the genitals in such massages, and that this is pleasurable without having to lead to orgasm or the desire to have one. To make that possible, the first step must be the trust that if you touch him, he doesn't need to orgasm or feel like there's something wrong with him if he doesn't or doesn't desire to.

It might also be worth trying to talk to him about what aspects of love making remind him of being raped. If the problem manifests itself at the moment of ejaculation, maybe he orgasmed or ejaculated when he was raped and a lot of rape survivors feel guilty or are made to feel guilty about such things (however inappropriate it is, it's almost systematic). This might have caused him to associate the moment of ejaculation with guilt, anxiety or other self destructive feelings. I find from experience that rationally dissecting this kind of thoughts can help survivors move forward, and often it helps when others assist them with that. It's supportive to hear someone else say that it's not because you had an orgasm that the behaviour of the rapist is any more acceptable, or that you have to feel guilty about it. This can be a therapist, but their is nothing wrong with helping eachother without needing to refer to a professional or expert. This does not necessarily have to stay within a couple though, it might be helpful for him to talk to friends, it can happen one to one as well as collectively, all depending on how your social lives are organised, and if you support a rape survivor, most likely it will help you to talk to friends as well.

A note about ejaculation and orgasm. Both can happen independantly and it's worth noting that if you stop stimulation at the moment the person starts ejaculating, they will continue to have contractions, but not feel the relief of orgasm (refered to as a ruined orgasm). If a man starts to have an orgasm but clenches his pelvic muscle to avoid contractions, no ejaculation will take place but he might still have orgasmic feelings (refered to as a tantric orgasm).

About your own orgasm not happening during penetration, if you would like to change that there is at least one technique I know of that can help. Next time you want to have intercourse with someone, try sitting on top. While shagging, rub your clitoris on their pubic area rather than just making an 'in-out' movement. This can provide you with clitorical stimulation during intercourse and allows women to orgasm that hadn't otherwise. If you like it, teach your male partners to make the right movements when they're on top.

About the answers to this post. I was a bit supprised about what I read. It seems inappropriate to judge other peoples feelings of love. Love can go with sexual attraction, but they can be independant. Love also has little to do with mariage, and mariage has little to do with commitment (there are a lot of mariages without commitment and a lot of commitment without mariage).

Telling people that if their partner is a rape survivor and therefor has emotional problems during sex, they should just move on to a 'functional' lover is downright abusive. Sex toys can be functional or not, or malfunction, but not people in my opinion (as long as they are not abusive, selfish, ...). It is exactly this pressure to perform (internalised) which causes a lot of shit (guilt, anxiety, uneasyness, lack of communication...) in peoples sexual experience.

Another strange concept on this website is saying people are responsible for their own orgasms. Being responsible for orgasms feels like orgasm is an obligation, which is out of place alltogether, but appart from that if you're having sex with someone I think you're both responsible together for everyone's satisfaction. Everyone needs to work on themselves to improve, but that also means not being selfish and just taking care of your own orgasm (since appearantly that would be your responsibility).

An interesting post

Sun, 11/16/2014 - 18:05


I read your post with interest. You are ofcourse right to note that love and sexual attraction don't always need each other and marriages are not always accompanied by commitment or vice versa. But most committed relationships do involve sexual attraction that feeds into emotional intimacy and over time build a level of trust and love.

Whilst orgasms aren't the most important thing in life, they are for many of us, the most important thing about sex, or at least the most fun. Sex without orgasm is okay some of the time but not all of the time. Too many women are told or tell themselves that orgasms don't matter at all. Men are told the opposite story and both narratives create problems.

M has written to Betty with her problem, where the man she loves isn't able to match her own sexual needs. She describes herself as having a high sex drive, enjoying sex a lot where as his needs are being met by kissing and cuddling.

She believes that his past trauma continues to impact upon his (and now her) life.
As you note, for a long lasting relationship, both people must have their needs met and her needs are clearly not.

Obviously only he can decide if he wants to move forward. There could be many reasons why he isn't ready to deal with his past and sometimes people can only heal when they're ready. & that's entirely understandable. He has to take responsibility for himself.
She can't take responsibility for making it better for him. She might love him and want to help him. Certainly encouraging him to receive good therapy to deal with his pain is loving support. Betty's advice to share masturbation, to vary the sex they share from penetrative PIV on the way to healing seemed helpful.

She is young and the relationship is still new but surely there are limits to the responsibility any new relationship can be expected to bear.

Responsibility is not the same as obligation.It involves making our own decisions, not forcing them onto other people.

Taking responsibility for our own orgasms is tremendously liberating for both us and our partners. My lover is not trying to "make" me orgasm but is free to share his orgasm with me and vice versa. Sex becomes much more of a journey than an arrival.

I would love to know how this situation worked out, whether the two of them managed to build a healthy physical relationship satisfying to both of them and feeding their emotional relationship.

Maybe he wasn't ready to deal with his past and they drifted apart, unable to reconcile their very different needs.

Whatever happened to each of them, I do hope that both are in a much better place now.