My Boyfriend Won't Go Down on Me

Wed, 08/21/2013 - 08:33
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dr. Betty -

I recently found your site and thought that if you had the time, you could help me with a problem that I've had for a while. I know masturbation is more of your thing, but if you wouldn't mind giving me advice on safe oral sex, it would be much appreciated!

I've been dating a wonderful boy for a year now. We get along very well in pretty much everything and know how to work out our problems. I lost my virginity to him about six months ago and I've been pretty well satisfied sexually ever since. As far as I can tell, he is too. He's very concerned with making me happy and vice-versa. However, said boyfriend won't go down on me. I would very much enjoy it if he did.

This isn't because he doesn't want to (he's tried multiple times), but primarily because it makes him gag. He told me that he's never been able to go down on any of his previous girlfriends. I don't know if it's the smell or the flavor or what, but I had some ideas to make it more appealing for him. I need to know that these ideas are safe before I proposed them to him, so I've been making inquiries of several reputable sources, because anytime I look for people who have problems like us, instead of finding helpful advice (like what would be safe to place on a vulva or in a vagina) I just find things like these helpful little gems:

"unless u are unhygenic he shouldnt refuse"

"In my opinion you will have to live without it, he doesn't like it and if there realy is nothing that will change his mind, well, then there is not much you can do about it!"

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to go down on your girlfriend....unless you like getting blowjobs."

"I have one word for you...DEALBREAKER!!!!"

The judgement is very harsh from both sexes and there are never any solutions presented except withholding sexual favors from him until he goes down, which seems like glowingly terrible advice and a great way to initiate conflict. Besides, I really like going down on him.

I want to give you my list of things I've thought of to do that could make going down good for both of us. There are some terrible ideas down there, but I included them anyways so you could tell me I'm being a dumb shit for even considering them:

1) Dessert à la vulva. Put whipped cream, honey, or something to mask my flavor. I don't know what's safe to put there, though. Spices? Sugary confections?

2) I've heard of people putting alcohol in their vaginal canal and having someone drink it up. This is a TERRIBLE idea because you're putting alcohol directly into your blood stream and could die. However, could it be served via female condom? Or something non-alcoholic?

3) Burn off his taste buds with hot chocolate or scalding tea or something.

4) There are people out there who swear the eating different foods make you taste better. Is this true?

5) Nose plugs + Saran wrap + blindfold? See no evil, smell no evil, taste no evil?

6) Get him so drunk he doesn't care.

7) See if he's okay with me finding a friend to play with who doesn't mind eating me out.

8) Decide that I can live without it. A depressing thought, but I'd do it for him.

9) Request he eat a tin of mints beforehand until he can taste nothing but mint.

10) Use his tongue to move something on, in, or around my vagina, but never actually touch it with his mouth or tongue, like ice or a HexBug, which moves by vibrating.

11) Flavored lube, or something to that effect.

If you have anything to add, I'd be happy to hear it. I really just want to find a safe solution that fulfills my curiosity and he finds palatable. I don't need oral to survive, but I really, really want to try it. He'd do it if I asked, but I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't like. If we could find it mutually enjoyable, that would really be best.

Many thanks,


Dear B,

What a bummer! The big problem here is he's constantly rejecting your vulva as something that makes him gag. My first thought: Put him in restraints and sit on his face until he can gag no more. At some point he'll have to surrender to whatever is the source of his problem. There is nothing wrong with gagging and maybe he just needs to go through it instead of always stopping because of it. The gag reflex can be embraced and then our attitude toward it can be altered. That's how many of us learn to do deep throat. We learn to embrace gagging and discover it's no big deal.

It's logical to assume some sweet flavor will mask the musk of pussy BUT any thing containing sugar must be kept away from your vagina. That would cause a raging yeast overgrowth that can be dealt with via some natural remedies or
as most doctors advise, taking an anti-biotic. I do not subscribe to the latter.

The diet approach is viable. I know my scent and taste changed dramatically during the years I was a vegetarian and not drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes. I clearly remember one young vegan lover who's semen actually tasted sweet, but due to his hyper clean diet he didn't have much energy for sex, dancing or parties.

Your #7) was the best. "See if he's okay with me finding a friend to play with who doesn't mind eating me out." Only fair. Maybe the thought of loosing you to some big wet swinging tongue that belongs to some other dude would peak his competitive spirit. Finally, using a dental dam which was considered safe oral sex will provide a barrier and he'll be licking and sucking latex. That's what I hated but maybe he'll love it.

Finally, he might consider seeing a counselor to uncover the source of his inhibition. Or work with a hypnotist to overcome it. In the end, the choice to accept this or move along is up to you. Personally, I'm of the school that believes when sex is good the first time, it only gets better. But when there is a problem, then sex remains problematic throughout the entire relationship. It's your choice. I'd love to know what solution you end up with or what worked.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Wed, 08/21/2013 - 16:26
OhBother (not verified)

Take numbers 1 to 11 and throw them all away. Though the nose plugs is an interesting idea, our sense of taste is mostly smell. The tongue just does sweet, sour, bitter, salt and meaty :)

From memory I used to go down on a woman slowly. Nibble, suck, whatever from lips downwards. When my face arrived between her legs I would pause before I commenced eating out (how did that term arise?). Reason being is that I tended to find the smell of a woman very "potent". So I paused for a few minutes, but I would nibble the inside of her thighs, use fingers and generally tease her while I acclimatised myself to her smell. After a little while I could then proceed to use lips and tongue on her without risking gagging.

Betty, you desperately need a

Fri, 08/23/2013 - 13:26
FemAnon (not verified)

Betty, you desperately need a good dose of skepticism. Hypnotism? That's like acupuncture, homeopathic medicines, palm reading, horoscopes, and the endless slew of other scientifically unsubstantiated hyperbullshit that doesn't work or has a mild placebo effect for the most impressionable among us. And it undermines your credibility.

I like this website a great deal, and I feel you and Carlin are doing a great deal of good, but I am sometimes unnerved by the baseless recommendations that periodically appear.

(Note: I'm not saying this nation doesn't have a big problem with things like overdiagnosis, hyperpathologization--especially with mental conditions, and overmedication, but there's a difference between being an informed drug-taking minimalist and outright embracing the use of "special herbal remedies" and "natural alternatives", whose only real virtue is the psychological appeal of taking something associated with "nature". Head's up: nature also has fangs and poisons and irritants. It's not necessarily good for you. Although in this case the issue is that it simply doesn't work.)

FemAnon hynotism is not palm reading

Fri, 08/23/2013 - 20:39
Jake E

It's about psychology. It's about acting a fantasy to see if it fits. There are actors who are very confident in a part but not as themselves. Your being hyponotised when you watch your favourite TV show. If you bump into the lead actor in real life you will be over awed. On the other hand,  why are you really pleased to see, but not over awed to meet the chef whose been  making you some fabulous meals in your favourite cafe. Because the meals are real and the TV show is an awesome fantasy you play out in your mind. It gets into your subconscious. 

There's a recent bit of research that concludes people who are happy because they have a purpose have a better gene expressions for a healthier immune system. Our brain controls our body and over time our conscious influences our subconscious.

Have you ever been sick with nerves. Have yoiu ever trembled with fear. have you ever cried or orgasmed. Your body can't do anything without it's control center the brain and the conscious mind is not disconected from the subconscious. You casn make yourself cry by watching a suitable fantasy or orgasm by doing the same. Fantasy is the door through which we influence the subconscious. and yes the placebo effect is part of that. But the placebo effect is a real recorded effect. The result is real.  


Sun, 08/25/2013 - 08:12

I'm always amused when people put down acupuncture, which has been around a great deal longer than what we call conventional medicine. My mother watched a woman have throat surgery with no anesthesia other than acupuncture. Our local anesthesiologist is excellent and uses acupuncture while people are having surgery. I have spinal issues no M.D. or physical therapist can do anything about, but my acupuncturist is helping me. Why can't close-mindedness always be amusing?!?