I Once Believed the Sexual Double Standard Favored Men

Tue, 05/14/2013 - 08:30
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Lately I’ve been getting men requesting sex coaching sessions similar to the work I do with women. While I believe this kind of sex training would make a big difference for them and their partners, private hands-on sessions with a man is called “prostitution” by our government.

Unfortunately, this remains illegal although it’s a victimless crime. Even a woman doing erotic massage is flirting with John Law. You can thank our puritanical government filled with lying, phony Christians, Mormons and Jews who consistently get caught “cheating” but end up redeemed after a round of public humiliation and they promise to seek professional help.

The closest thing we have to legitimate hands-on sex teaching for men is with surrogate partners who work under the auspices of a licensed sex therapist. However that entails two fees which can become a costly burden for most men. I don’t even know a therapist on the East Coast offering surrogacy therapy or training. This affective approach seems to be more available on the West Coast. You can Google Sexual Surrogate Therapy for more information. Until America can grow up, any man who seeks sexual guidance with the kind of practical hands on therapy that I believe really works is SOL.

It amazes me to remember how I once believed the sexual double standard favored men. I now realize that most men have little to no idea how to sexually please a woman. The result is that far too many women have never had an orgasm as we are raised to believe we’ll be awakened by Mr. Right. For every pre-orgasmic woman there’s a premature ejaculating man. Still America has no adequate sexuality education available that would include pleasure and orgasms. Meanwhile men judge themselves on their sexual skills or ability to “make a woman come” and to “get the job done” with no information other than viewing porn.

The main reason porn doesn’t work as a form of sex education is because it’s entertainment for men where women are paid to perform in ways that please men. The result of this sexual double standard where men are allowed freedom and sexual mobility leaves women struggling to uncover their first orgasm. Boys are expected to explore their sex organ by masturbating as children but many girls never masturbate and as adults, most of us do not orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Or later on we finally explore our bodies to learn how to have orgasm privately during adult masturbation. This is why so many women end up faking orgasm; first to protect the male ego especially if she is dependent upon his financial support.

Of all the sexual preferences and gender variations available, it seems heterosexuality is mostly about couples committing to procreate and raise a family rather than relish the joys of sharing mutually pleasurable sexual activities that ends with orgasms for both partners. Although I have yet to discuss this in any detail, the next phase of understanding the end pleasure of orgasm is that male ejaculation and female squirting are NOT necessarily the same as having orgasm. While both are pleasurable sensations for men and women, neither one fully engages the entire body/mind. A perfect example of a sexual non event is when a man ejaculates before he has built up any sexual tension.

Even Kinsey put the length of time spent thrusting with an erect penis inside her vagina was no more than two minutes after initial penetration. That is not sufficient time for a woman to have an orgasm unless she was on the verge coming from some other form of direct clitoral stimulation with oral or manual sex. As for men, an ejaculation feels good, but how can we classify it as an orgasm when it is just a minor blip not much different than a sneeze. When we stop to think about the horrors and disappointments of first time partnersex, it’s a wonder either a boy or a girl wants to ever repeat it again. However, since sex is about procreation first and foremost, Mother Nature saw to it continuing on a regular basis with an inbuilt male sex drive to insure that animals and humans would continue to create the next generation and the next.

From the pro-creative point of view, ejaculation with an orgasm followed by a sensation of resolution is not that necessary. A man only needs to get an erection firm enough to penetrate and ejaculate inside a vagina to fulfill his male role. A woman only needs to carry her baby full term and give birth to fulfill her female role. Neither one needs to have an orgasm at any stage. Maybe that’s why so many male dominated societies think ejaculation is the same thing as having an orgasm. But many sophisticated women who squirt when their urethral sponge is being stimulated have clearly stated that it is NOT the same sensation as having an orgasm. That requires some form of direct or indirect clitoral stimulation during vaginal penetration or manual manipulation.

Let’s face it. Sexual activity that ends in orgasm for one or both partners is a luxury not a necessity. However, I continue to believe that mutually orgasmic sex has the potential for reducing violence the world over. Since the late 60’s sexual revolution, it’s my belief that ending the war between the sexes within the nuclear and extended family would begin to eliminate the breading ground for violence. In reading Sex at Dawn, the authors pointed out that some animals copulate for the shear joy of doing it like the Bonobo Chimps. These small apes have sex with every member of the group with no limitations. Having an abundance of sex and pleasure allows them to be peaceful as they share everything.

The one sexual activity both men and women have in common is the humble act of self-stimulation. It seems obvious to me that masturbation is indeed the foundation for all of sexual activity. Instead of honoring it, we turn masturbation into a dirty joke and few will admit to doing it or enjoying it or acknowledging it as the one sexual experience we can all access. At least both women and men are assured of having end pleasures with orgasm.

Masturbation is our first natural sexual activity. It’s how we learn to like our genitals and to enjoy the pleasure they can provide. The time has come for women to once again teach sex to men which was a sacred act when people worshiped a female deity. The goddess of sexual love and abundance is still available if we but acknowledge the existence of the Great Orgasmic Mother of us all and leave the vindictive male gods behind.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Hear hear!

Tue, 05/14/2013 - 12:30
Diana L. (not verified)

Hear her, hear her! Beautifully put, Ms. Dodson.

Prostitution is legal in NZ

Tue, 05/14/2013 - 23:20

Hi Betty
I read your latest blog with interest and empathise with your sentiments. Such inequity is a breach of human rights, in my humble opinion.

In 2003 New Zealand passed the Prostitution Law Reform Act - which legalised prostitution, within sensible parameters. See http://www.justice.govt.nz/policy/commercial-property-and-regulatory/prostitution/prostitution-law-reform for a brief overview the Act.
Maybe the US should be pushing for something similar. That way men would be on an equal footing with women, and be able to receive the therapy they need.
Kind regards


Wed, 05/15/2013 - 00:25

I agree with much of what you say, but there seems to be an assumption that women know what men want and cater to that like champions, they don't. Women are just as lousy lovers as men, maybe more so due to the very things you put forward. My experience has shown me that a lot of women are utterly clueless with what to do with a male lover. Clue less. As in no idea. I understand societal norms, I understand cultural norms, but I don't subscribe to them. I have lovers, some are very good to themselves, some aren't. It's not my job to please them, I feel like I am there in a support role. Rarely do I get this from women. In previous relationships I have oftenbeen made to feel guilty for actually wanting sex, for actually wanting my partner to have sex with me and give me pleasure. What do you call that?
I really dislike your language around men sometimes Betty, it assumes that men are not sexual beings but sexual oppressors. Vindictive Male Gods? Women need to teach men how to have sex? Wow, that's ridiculous. Maybe women should unhinge their own bullshit first, and learn pick partners that will actually honour them, instead of typically "attractive" assholes whose identites lie in their ability to make lots of money and have nice houses, have great jobs etc. Why don't you write a post on how there are men in the world that actually enjoy sex, enjoy space, enjoy sensation and that instead of objectifying men for their materialistic wealth or physical attributes, that women need to recognize that the poor choices they make when picking male partners is more to do with their own insecurities than the inability of the man to please her. One has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the other.
I pick my lovers based on how good they are to themselves. How can someone be good to me if they have no idea how to be good to themselves? What has that got to do with being a man or a woman?

I think the first step towards this "healing" is seeing our own hangups first.

hey, ravi

Wed, 05/15/2013 - 06:09

I will disagree about pleasing one's partner -- I do feel that pleasing my partner and his pleasing me are very important -- but I agree with much of what you say, Ravi. I am an ardent radical feminist -- radical meaning I am NOT an equal rights promoter such as Hillary Clinton, but rather believe in a new vision of human relations in which we are human beings first -- and I have no illusions about women being more enlightened than men.

Men and women are oppressed by patriarchal notions of sexuality which mostly involve power and control. I don't see that men are better served by patriarchal culture than women are. Women's tastes in men baffle me as much as men's tastes in women -- they seem to frequently consist of swallowing whole whatever the culture and media promote. How often do I have to hear that women want a good provider and men want a nubile partner? This site's version is that women want stability and men want to "spread their seed" (ridiculous!). If this is really how people choose partners, they can expect a life of misery and they often get it, sadly.

Dialog,a sense of humor, and hands on practice

Sun, 05/19/2013 - 21:11

My longest sexual experience has been within the confines of a monogamous marriage. We have vastly different sex drives and preferences. Luckily, we can communicate, take turns, laugh at ourselves, and try new things. It took a long time and many views to this website for me to learn what really worked for me so I could communicate with my husband. We still have a long way to go with this and neither of us could claim to be "all that" as lovers, but somehow we muddle through, have a good time and hopefully come up with information to make next time better.