Sex is Painful But When It's Good I Still Can't Orgasm

Tue, 01/29/2013 - 11:01
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dr. Betty,

I desperately need your help. I am 22 years old, and I am so frustrated with my sex life. My husband and I used to have a wonderful sex life before we were married, though I have never had an orgasm in my life! As I have gotten a little older, I have experienced a lot of pains regarding my menstrual cycle and things of that nature. (The doctors are certain that I have endometriosis, though I haven't had the surgery to confirm this 100%. That's what all of my symptoms point to.) This causes me to be unable to bear deep penetration, and as I've gotten older, the pain has gotten worse.

There was a specific turning point in my sex life where we were having intercourse, and my perineum tore and bled. That was about two and a half years ago, and it still bleeds when I have sex, though my gynecologist cannot see any signs of the tear. With all of these pains during intercourse, all I think about when trying to get in the mood is how painful it will be. A few months ago I was diagnosed with vaginismus. It's so daunting to try to break that connection in my head! This is where I need your help!

I have read many of the Ask Betty questions on the site, and I have recently gotten a vibrator. I got a battery powered vibrator, but I can't seem to get past a certain point. It feels wonderful, but I never get to that feeling that everyone tells me about. I know all orgasms are different, but I've also always been told that I would know if I have had one. I was wondering if you had any specific advice for someone in my situation.

The last part of my question leads me to this: when having intercourse with my husband when I can finally get lubricated enough (I do not get near as wet as I wish, and though we have been using Astroglide, it would be wonderful if it could happen naturally, as that feels the best) and it gets going really well, I feel like I've got to pee when he hits the upper wall of my vagina, terribly! And it feels so wonderful that I have no idea what to do with myself, but I cannot relax enough to fully enjoy it because I feel like I am going to pee all over my husband! Is there any specific technique I can use in order to relax, and am I going to pee if I do relax?!

If you could help me, you would be my hero!

Thank you so much!

Dear L,

Continue to educate yourself about female sexuality with the information that is on our website. I'm including links to get you practicing orgasm by exploring masturbation. Don't go for surgery to deal with endometriosis. Mine cleared up after I began to have regular orgasms. When you say, "My husband and I used to have a wonderful sex life before we were married, though I have never had an orgasm in my life!" tells me you have low expectations for your own pleasure. Masturbation will be your salvation!

Experiencing pain with deep penetration could also have to do with the length of your vaginal barrel and the size of your husbands penis, plus his style of fucking. I suggest you get on top to control the depth of penetration and stimulate you own clitoris at the same time. Men can get excited and pound away like what they see in porn. Pussy ain't made of steel! And porn is NOT sex eduction but rather entertainment for men.

As for the "wound" to your vaginal opening when your perineum tore and bled, this indicates to me that Lover Boy is what I'd call a "Hard Fuck" with fast friction and going too deep. (Porn again.) Also Google what they say about vulvodynia. You must take control of your body and avoid doctors. None of these medical professionals have had any sexuality training so you need to become your own doctor.

You can read a load of info about the so-called G which is actually part of the internal clitoris that is very indirect clit stim. He's pushing into your urinary tract that sits on the other side of the ceiling of the vagina. Just go ahead and pee. Not that much will come out and besides most men love it. They mistakenly think it's the same as when they ejaculate. But female ejaculation is NOT the same as having an orgasm. I believe the G is the new name for "vaginal orgasms" which happen to very few women!

Forget "natural" wetness. It would take 20 (or more) minutes of ideal clit stimulation to get a woman really warmed up, especially in your case with a history of pain during intercourse. A few minutes of kissing with breast fondling just doesn't get it for us. Meanwhile a guy is ready as soon as he is erect which can happen in a moment. Do not use Astroglide. Depending upon the kind of birth control used. I prefer an organic massage oil like Almond or coconut. If you use condoms, then get a water based lube like Liquid Silk that has fewer chemicals. I have always used extra lube and consider it to be the first important sex enhancer followed by vibrators.

It is NOT true that we all know if and when we've had an orgasm. Don't listen to what "other people" say. Also having an orgasm is NOT about relaxing. It's about focusing on the good feelings and listening to your body, not what you "think" should happen. Finally, get my e-book "Orgasms for Two" and read it with you husband. You deserve to have an orgasmic pain-free sexlife. Now go get it and become your own hero.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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