I Don't Have the Sex Life I Want

Wed, 01/23/2013 - 10:17
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Dr. Betty,

So glad to speak with you again. I have a somewhat serious question. I am looking for non-traditional sex therapy for my partner and I. I've been with him for 3 years now and I don't have a healthy sex life. Or, at least, I do not have the sex life I want and have thought I'd always wanted. In fact, I've never had that with men. I haven't really been interested, which at first I thought may have something to do with my hormones (I'm perimenopausal), but I don't think it stops there.

Early on our history involved what I thought was a good sex life, but turned into his becoming upset if I didn't match his rhythm (he has a much higher libido than I). This became a theme which developed into my becoming virtually uninterested in sex at all with him, and involved a lot of anger and resistance. Power struggles. At first I thought my disinterest didn't really bother me and instead put my focus into other aspects of my life, but now I realize it's really a problem. Normally I would move on and find new boyfriends but the same pattern repeats. I know there's a better way.

I'm 49 and I know I have another round in me to enjoy the best part of life there is. I really want energy and fortitude for that. But this is depressing and I believe I'm stuck. I've heard of dominatrix sessions with partners (where a third party is the dom) that address problems having to do with this -the male aggressor and female non-power- and am wondering if you know of anything to recommend? I especially appreciate an embodied experience versus just getting information by reading a book, but book titles would be helpful too. I am open to exploring.

Thank you so much for your time, I'm so appreciative of the work you do and the lives you've saved.

In Kindness and Love,

Dear Z,

I seriously doubt your lack of interest in sex with your partner has any thing to do with hormones. And the reason couples need to include masturbation into a relationship is that rarely do two people have the same appetite for sex especially if the woman is not having her orgasms too. If he wants sex and you don't, that's where masturbation comes in. If he expects you to service him and groan with pleasure as he uses your body for his orgasm, then you deserve to get paid for servicing him.

As for sex therapists I know many good people in the field but you must search them out for yourself. AND lover boy must be willing to do this with you too. Going to a Dom requires looking to find a woman you like and trust. I have no idea where you live so I suggest you search online for your area. The aggressive male and powerless female are basically the standard roles for men and women today. Consider learning how to have your own orgasms with masturbation and using him as your dildo! He'd probably love it as you give him orders and tell him what a big piece of shit he really is.

It would help if you would clearly state what YOUR problem is during sex with him other than the illusive word, "appetite". Don't be a victim of his anger and your growing frustration. I'd rather live alone and give myself all the orgasms I want with a variety of vibrators and sex toys. I suspect you might be pre-orgasmic when you say the same problem repeats with other men. Do they expect you to come from vaginal penetration? Do you? Ha! Don't hold you breathe for that one. If your problem is your inability to have orgasms during sex with a partner then get my e-book "Orgasms for Two". Frankly with the power struggle, anger and old resentments, it really would make more sense to just move along and get a fresh start.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time