Home » Blogs » Betty Dodson's blog

How Do I Help My Boyfriend Get Kinky?

Sat, 09/22/2012 - 10:53
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hello Betty.

I recently discovered your (words cannot describe, but I'll try) incredibly helpful and wonderful site (my favorite aspect so far has gotta be your video podcasts with carlin), I JUST got an account about ten minutes ago, and I've built up the courage to ask you a question. I think I need to explain my sexual history, though, to get an "educated" response. My current sexual partner is my only ever sexual partner.

And he was my first, and I his. I had been very experienced in masturbation and very comfortable in giving myself pleasure whenever I needed/wanted to do so. I don't know if this is relevant, but he had never done so until recently. We were each other's first kiss, fondling, and various other sexual "steps" towards intercourse for the first time. I am open with him about my wants, but he is inexperienced sexually (with a partner) just like I am and some subjects are difficult to breach.

Lately, I've been curious in a couple areas, namely the use of a vibrating ring during sex(I bought one, he tried it on, didn't like the vibration...and I was left upset, not knowing how to explain to him that I still very much want to give it a try, thank you very much), and oral sex. He was reluctant about both, but I persuaded him to let me attempt oral on him (shocking, I know, a guy that found oral sex unappealing. anyway, I digress) and he loved it. And I explained to him, point-blank: I would like an attempt in return. He is...very hesitant. He says he wouldn't know what to do, that he's scared and I can deal with that. I told him, give it a try, try blank and blank, I'll tell you what feels good and what doesn't...I even sent him your "How to perform oral sex on a woman" article. (just last night, though, so he hasn't read it)

I feel as though we have reached a point where I'd like to try new things, he is reluctant and kind of has a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" mentality. I enjoy the sex we have but I am an explorer by nature. I, ideally, would love to try everything at least once because you don't know what you don't like until you TRY IT. And within the whole realm of human sexuality I am left unexperienced in certain areas,and it's not the inexperience that bothers me.

It's my curiosity! I want to know. And there is a lot of which I want to try with my also inexperienced partner. Your site is enormous help, but I wanted a direct answer, if possible. How can I encourage my partner to keep an open mind and try what I would like to try in a way that gets the point home firmly? I understand that there are certain no-go areas with sexual partners...but since we are both adrift with no other experience, really what is the harm with trying everything?

Dear A,

Thanks for all your appreciation. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your boyfriend is not in your league. You have a healthy curiosity and he's a stick in the mud, fearful of change and experimenting. I doubt he'll ever be a good sex partner with all the things he's afraid to try. In other words, you are sexually incompatible.

When sex is good between couples it's usually good right at first and then gets better. You clearly see his hang-ups and blocks so my suggestion is to move along.You both need to have a few sexual experiences with other people to grow up before making any long term commitments.

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 
Supernatural Kink
Valentine Kink: In Order to Take Charge I Had to Overcome My Inhibitions
The Origins of Kink
Claiming Our Kink is a Very Powerful Thing
Liberating women one orgasm at a time

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

Dr Betty, I see this somewhat differently

Sat, 09/22/2012 - 15:27
Patrick_R

A's boyfriend may have been raised in the height of sexual repression. He might have already come a long way in overcoming it. His hang-ups most likely aren't due to his permanent character, but to his background. He's already not a bad sex partner, since A says that she enjoys the sex they've been having. True, A is a lot farther along in her sexual development, but then women often have a head start in maturity compared with young men of the same age. That doesn't mean her friend can't catch up with the right kind of encouragement and education. It might be helpful to find out exactly what his hang-up around oral sex is, for example. If he's gotten incorrect information that it's wrong, or dirty, or whatever, this can possibly be corrected. If everything has been tried and her boyfriend is still completely unwilling to experiment, then A has a decision to make, but it doesn't seem to be at that point yet.

I would really encourage A to tell her boyfriend the truth. For example, "I like the sex we've been having, but for me to be my happiest I really want us to try this, and this, and this. I hope you'll be willing to help me with this, because it's what I need for our relationship to succeed." This is honest, but not brutal. I think it's premature to declare this couple permanently incompatible, or an inexperienced young man as an incorrigible stick in the mud. While I agree that it's way too soon for them to make any kind of commitment (and they're both probably going to want other partners at some point), I think it's too soon to write them off forever, too.

Patrick, her second email proves you are right.

Betty Dodson's picture
Sun, 09/23/2012 - 11:48
Betty Dodson

If I had time to find it I would post it. But it seems my "stick in the mud" comment caused her to come to his defense. It's an old technique of mine. When a woman complains about this and that with her lovers shortcomings and I agree and then up the ante, her next move is often to come to his defense and prove to me that he's not that bad! So they are making an effort to change. There is a method to my "tough love" approach.

Now I see where you were coming from

Sun, 09/23/2012 - 12:28
Patrick_R

If you find the time to dig up her second email, it would be interesting to read. I'm assuming that, like a lot of couples who basically care about one another but want some real changes, they will keep making an effort to work things out. They have to value each other enough to be persistent about overcoming their barriers and dissatisfactions. If they both hang in there, they could end up with a vastly better partnership. By the way, since she sees the good in her partner but also wants more variety and experimentation in their lovemaking, what would be your suggestions for how a couple could approach this? I think she's made a pretty good start with giving him practical information from D&R on how to perform oral sex, and letting him know that more variety is important to her. She's also being patient and letting him know that she doesn't expect instant expertise---this should help a lot.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.